Disclaimer

Once again, I want to iterate that though these stories are all about me and a bunch of 'crazies' and that I am getting more and more introduced to society's losers and to the crack/ cocaine drug culture that was never part of my life before this. I didn't consider it part of my life at that point either but I was always curious about the lifestyle and that was part of the 'draw' with hanging out with Bill and his 'hood crowd'. I wanted to 'understand' how people that live this way think. It's also mostly that I didn't want to think. I couldn't think. I still had WAY too much pain inside from my failed marriage and my heart was still way too hurt and 'flailing' to be able to feel the pain that I was feeling.

My world had always been about success and living a proper lifestyle. For the first ten years of my adult life my focus was entirely about studying and learning, career success, building a loving relationship with my wife, building a financially secure future, and continually improving my mind, body, and spirit. That was the life that I had always lived, and that is the life I assumed I would always live. That is still what I consider my 'real' life.

I was still in complete shock from my marriage failing and Alison leaving. I was in too much pain and too much shock to be able to deal with it yet. So I needed a diversion so that I wouldn't have to think about it. Work and building my career was my main focus. But that was also falling apart for the first time ever. After the first two or three weeks of hanging out with Bill, I was ready to focus more on career again. But my project was hell, and I needed an escape from that as well. Which is why I was going out and drinking so much.

Then I got out of that project and was placed on the team to write the proposal for the next retirements systems project. Once I was starting that, I started going home at 11:00p on week nights so that I could be fresh for work and produce a quality job. But after four weeks of writing and completing the proposal the client delayed the project an additional six months. So then I was placed 'on the bench' which means I was unattached to a project. Which means you didn't go to a client site, you instead reported to the office and worked on whatever small side projects they had or else you studied. But it was the Christmas season and no new projects were starting until the new year. So the bench was full of people that had just finished up projects. So after a week of being at the office, they told me that they didn't have desks for us on the bench, so could stay at home and study. I was studying to take the PMI (Project Management Institute) exam. But it also meant that I didn't have to be up in the morning. So I was able to stay out all night again. I would generally get up around 10:00a and study for my exam for about four or five hours. Then call Bill around 5:00p and go out. I had just started doing this the week I was seeing Melanie as well. This is why I didn't have to go to work that Monday morning when she called in sick.

So, I could focus on studying throughout the day. But couldn't stay home alone in the evening because all I would do then was to focus on how much pain my heart was feeling and how confused I was from everything collapsing the way that it did. Drinking and partying was a way to keep my mind off of thinking about it. Not to mention that we were having tremendous fun and were meeting lots of interesting and different people.

I had only lived a student, and professional, and a married lifestyle up to that point. I was always curious about how 'the other half' lived. I was curious about how people that lived a drug cultured or reckless lifestyle lived and thought. It was all new to me, and I was interested in understanding it. Exposing myself to it. Not to mention that it was wild and crazy fun.

The other thing is this. It was completely different from my 'lifestyle'. For the time being, I couldn't remain in my lifestyle because all that did was make me think about my life and what had happened to it. I still had no idea what went wrong and why. It was too shocking, and too painfully confusing, and too emotional for me to be able to think about. I wanted to stay away from anything that made me think about my life and my failed marriage. I would have probably slid into a depression if I had to think about it. For my own sanity, I needed to find a temporary escape. So for the first few weeks, I just allowed Bill to decide what we were doing and I went along with it. It is what I needed, and it also taught me a whole lot of things that I was curious about and would never otherwise have the opportunity to learn.

So for a time being, I stepped away from my world and hovered around the fringes of Bill's world instead...

Even when I was inside of it, I never considered it my world. I was there, but just an outside observer. It was like I was watching it all in an interactive movie. Fascinating though...