The 'Right' Path? (with additional sidebars and disclaimers)

Okay, seeing I've sort of gotten on this topic, I guess I will continue to go on a tangent and add a bit more background detail before continuing with my prior stories/ perspectives/ thoughts. I want to talk a bit more about what I mean when I use the term 'loser' and add some more about my evolution of perspectives.

Let's look at how I was originally raised to believe by my immediate family. I was raised to believe that the number one priority in the world (aside from love of family) is to build a solid financial foundation for yourself. Everyone outside of a marriage has to get a paying job (not necessarily a great paying job or super responsible one, but a paying job none-the-less), and then proceed to save money week after week and build a 'cushion' of wealth for yourself. In a marriage or family, at least one person has to be doing that so that the whole family has that financial cushion or comfort. That's priority one. Security. Financial security.

Mind you, one thing to also understand is that my Dad was the youngest of 6 brothers and he was born in 1930. His oldest brother was born in 1914. Mom was the youngest of 5 siblings, and was born in 1935. So, they did see hardship. They lived thru the Great Depression as well as World War II. Dad's oldest brother was even alive during the First World War. That would tend to leave a psychological imprint on the importance of money, stability and comfort. I suppose that is one little sidebar to consider.

Of course its also very important to love your family and show tremendous love, loyalty, and support towards them. That is very good. In fact, its all wonderful, and very secure, and also very practical. 'Practical' being a very key word to describe my upbringing. The one thing that a large number of my family members (immediate and extended family alike) don't show a lot of priority or emphasis on is in passion or passionate love, or even displays of passion or even displays of intimacy. To my family, everything is practical. We have tremendous love for one another, but its all a 'family' love. No passion. Passion for the most part is frowned upon. I guess its just not practical enough.

A number of my family members, not only the older ones like my parents, aunts and uncles, but also a large number of my cousins stopped showing physical affection to one another years and years and years ago. For the most part, most passion, including even kissing your spouse pretty much ended (entirely) around the age of 40ish. After that, its simply raising a family (if you have one), building a home, and building a solid financial foundation. Once again, lots of love amongst spouses and family, and emotional affection (though rarely displayed, especially in public), but very little if any physical affection (beyond hugging and holding that is - actually, even that is often rare). Not even kissing. Its not important. Love, - yes. Passion and intimacy, - no. Passion is not frowned upon so long as its not visible, and so long that it doesn't get in the way of the practical business of securing a comfortable financial future. But its not regarded as having any importance to the 'family structure'.

So, the way I was raised by my immediate family is to make sure you are always living comfortably but usually rather frugally, and always building and saving money. If you are not doing that, you are wasting your life, and living like a 'loser'. In other words, if you are not building a cushion of money, then you are a 'loser'. Other 'losers' can live that way. But we certainly cannot. Not only that though. Emphasis is also on building a secure and solid 'life' and/ or family structure. That's by also living productively (not destructively). Being a 'good' and honest person, being hard-working (relates to the money topic), showing support and goodwill to those around you, and also maintaining a proper 'image'. ie. Not doing things like being obnoxious, not being drunk in public, not doing drugs of any kind, not being aggressive or loud or rude, and never fighting. Generally, being a 'good' person and NEVER deviating from this structure. Ever. Even things like not going to bed at night, or not getting up in the morning are scrutinized. Stupid things like that even when they have no relevance to your life or schedule. Its just what the 'good' people do.

Though I have rebelled against many of these staid and rigid beliefs that I have been raised with, this upbringing with the emphasis on saving money and building a comfortable financial cushion does have significant impact on my own perceptions. (I've always been the 'black sheep' when it comes to passion, intimacy and sex though. That is an important priority to me. Not the only priority, but a significant one. Just saying.) So, when I am expressing that a person is a 'loser', I'm often referring to their 'lifestyle' not necessarily them per se. Often I'm also more referring to the fact they have no money and are not taking steps to build more money. Or just living a destructive or obnoxious, or dishonest lifestyle is also someone I would generally call a loser. Money or not. Because, from my upbringing, that's what a 'loser' is. Mind you, because I've grown up with the perception and the word itself of 'loser' (mostly by my older brother. He's extremely judgemental, and sadly enough, usually wrong) it is a word common in my vocabulary, and has a great multitude of meanings. There is somewhat of a grey area when I talk about 'loser' and 'loser lifestyle'. Often I do not think a person is a loser per se, but rather that they are currently living a loser lifestyle. So, are being a loser. Or I'm really referring to only certain aspects of them, and not the person as a whole. It's a fine line. I grew up with a pretty inflexible and quite judgmental upbringing (more so from my brother and mother, but also from much of my other family.) Regardless of how much I grow and learn from my own experiences, which makes me more and more flexible and open-minded, I still am quite judgemental. In fact, I have a very heavy emphasis on levels of ignorance and social skills or adaptability that is often more judgemental than my family. But that's me. It is just part of my upbringing. BUT I am more flexible than most of my family. Many or most of them just think a person that doesn't conform to their standard of 'normal' is pretty much a loser. Once again my brother (and also late mother) were some of the worst for that.

I also have spent a great deal of time throughout the past 27 years focussing on, observing, and studying 'self' and of cause-and-affect psychology particularly when it comes to trauma that also makes me analyze where a person's particular character traits originate from. I know that hardly anybody considers this when they are expressing their behavior/ reacting to stimuli so I often consider a person's ignorance factor towards self, and can be a little more forgiving or certain behavior if I feel the trauma that is causing it is significant or deep enough. But then again, I also frown upon ignorance, - especially self-ignorance, so there is a fine line in regards to my tolerance to trauma-prompted behavioral traits as well. It depends. Haven't fully determined what it ALL depends on though. Ah well.

My family's views are, and probably always will be, very staid and rigid when it comes to 'how' to 'judge' a person. ie. The criteria of what makes a person a 'good' person, a 'respectable' person, or a 'loser'. My views/ perceptions on the subject is always in a state-of-flux. I continue to experience new things, learn the lives and perspectives of a varying group of people, - even continue to befriend a varying group of people. What I'm also continuing to learn/ teach myself is how not to 'judge' at all. I am much less judgemental than I used to be, and my acceptance level of all the different perspectives and lifestyles of all the different people I spend time with continues to grow and evolve. The more time I spend NOT with family also is a great aid to this, for they are even more judgemental towards me than they are to anyone else 'out there'. When I spend time with them (because I do love them and do cherish the strength and beauty that I gain from their love), they are constantly trying to stop me from learning and growing, and are constantly trying to stop me from associating with (in their beliefs) the 'wrong type' of person (ie. the losers), and are constantly trying to get me to conform to the views that I was raised to believe. To their rigid and judgemental views. They judge and fear any view or lifestyle that is not their own. Even more so, they are worried and terrified that I have 'lost my way' and am becoming or have become 'a loser'. Once again, they don't understand, as I do, that you don't have to pick only one perspective, or view, or lifestyle (one 'way' to be) and stick with it. Rather you can decide to live many or even all (or most) of the different lifestyles and have a varying degree of perspectives or understandings and still not 'lose your way' and still be a 'decent' and responsible person. The path to 'truth' is probably to learn how to not judge at all. To just 'be', and to allow others to just be as well.

With that said, I will never be as rigid in my beliefs than the rest of my family, or as the environment that I was raised in, but I will never be entirely without judgement. I don't know if I'd want to be. Time will tell I suppose. I do believe that everyone has the right to do whatever they want, and live how ever they want, so long as their words, thoughts or actions do not infringe upon those same rights of anyone else. BUT, I also do believe that there is a 'better' or even 'best' way to live. A better or best lifestyle. One that creates happiness and contentment and self-healing, and is productive to self and even to society in general. However, a person must be free to find or choose or live their own 'path' towards that state of being. Or to whatever state of being they choose to move towards. If their path is too destructive, or too 'lost' and they never find their way, then so be it. Their path is still their own choice to make.

I guess the bottom line, beyond anything else I have written in my past few posts is that I think that everyone should find or choose their own path towards what they consider a 'successful' life. We have the right to define our own definition for 'success'. I personally believe that a successful life, is one where you have found happiness, and contentment, and are free of your pain and past trauma. You are just happy. If you have found that, then more power to you. You have been very very successful. It doesn't matter what path you took to get there. The thing that matters is that you are there. Congratulations. Very very few people ever have or ever will achieve that. I know that I'm not there yet. But I continue to work towards it. Or at least continue to try to work towards it. AND I am finding and choosing my own path to get there. Everyone else, including myself should just step aside and allows others to do the same. So there! Ahmen. 

:)

Awareness (then a huge tangent of disclaimers)

I'll take a little time to describe how I feel my 'awareness' came from and perhaps along the way it will describe a little bit about what I consider 'aware' to even be.

What I touched on in my prior post is that I am naturally analytical and analyze everything. That's just part of the things I was born with. How I am. So, at a very early age, I started thinking about all the views and perspectives and beliefs around me and continually questioned everything. 'Why?' or 'How come?' were questions that were always in my thoughts. By the time I was about 10 years old, I started to internally question all the things I had been taught. About religion, about the concepts of 'proper' or 'right and wrong' and topics along those lines. I also started trying to look at things from the views and perspectives of others and to try and understand how and why everyone around me thought. Once again, how and why everyone thought the way that they did. Why the things that were 'right' or 'proper' were that way. Likewise, why the things that were 'wrong' or 'improper' were that way as well. Regardless of what I was 'taught', I would think hard on what I truly believed and form my opinions based on that. Its not that this was a conscious decision to be this way, nor was I aware of it. Once again, its just how I naturally am.

Questioning everything is one way to build awareness. I do believe. An even better way to build awareness is by being exposed to different viewpoints/ mindsets or opinions and even more so from being exposed to varying experiences.

As I talked about in my last post, having a differing mindset than my parents (especially mother) and older brother also enabled me to understand that people do think and feel differently, so at an early age it started opening my eyes to the differences in people and environments and how that affects or changes judgement or ideas. Once again, being a child/ teenager I was not conscious of this awareness but it was sinking in none-the-less. Don't get me wrong, as touched on in the last post, I did believe in what I was being taught by my parents and their/ my immediate environment (same  as everyone) and I still believe in that. Some of the basic 'truths' the I grew up with were in honesty, integrity, loyalty, hard work, determination, and in goodwill to family, friends, and anyone around you. That is still me. Your family, AND family 'name' was also very important to all of us. A sense of pride, and a name that had to be honoured and 'lived up to'. That is also still very important to me. Same as everyone in my not only immediate family, but in all of my relatives (and ancestors for that matter). That is me. That is us. BUT because I had a tendency to look at a 'bigger picture' (shall we say) at even quite a young age, and to look at things not only thru how me and my family viewed it, but also how a variety of others believed and viewed things it made my perspectives, understanding, and outlook a little bit different than my family (who were my initial teachers). This in itself gave me a basis of 'awareness' that there is not only one way to look at and consider situations, beliefs, or events. Rather there are many ways. I believe that this gave me the initial basis of awareness at an early age. Then the fact that this perspective made me think differently and at many times had me disagree with how my parents and brother thought, it also furthered my capability to question what I'd been 'taught' and as a result to see things differently. More openly. Made me more aware.

Another thing that would be useful to note is that not only is the age difference between me and my parents greater than usual, - my Dad was 40 and mother was 35 years old when they had me, but also they were the youngest of five and four siblings respectively so my entire family (save my older brother) were all much older than me. By the time I was born, my parents were two generations older than me, my cousins were 9 to 22 years older than me, my aunts and uncles were 40 to 55 years older than me, and my grandparents (if still alive) were 75 to 85 years older than me. This also set me apart from the rest of my family, who of course were my initial teachers and role models. This I do believe also contributed to me thinking or perceiving a little bit 'beyond' how I was taught to believe, and made me more let's say, 'open minded'. On top of that, it also meant that ever since I was born most of the people I spent time with and socialized with (outside of school and sports that is) were quite a bit older than me. In comparison, my cousins were around the same age as most people's aunts or uncles. My parents and aunts and uncles were often the same age as other persons grandparents. It even gave me a different 'perspective' about death even. Because my family is all so much older than me, I have been watching mine and my family's loved ones die (of old age) ever since I was born. I am just as familiar and comfortable with death as I am with life. I feel no ill towards death. It just seems very natural to me. That also gives me somewhat of a different perspective than most people have. I believe it also contributes to a 'heightened' awareness.

These age differences between me and my family also contribute to me having different perspectives than my parents and family (initial teachers) and also contribute to me being able to not only at an early age look beyond what I've been taught, but also to start forming 'alternate' lives. I was too young to not have a teacher/ student relationship with my parents and family, so couldn't openly state my differences or disagreements with how they showed/ taught me to believe and behave, but at the same time had to follow what I did truly believe. Rather than oppose them, I just adopted both or multiple views and multiple ways of thinking/ living. That was the basis at an early age of my desire and need to live multiple lives or perspectives at the same time. Perhaps anyway.

Similar with my peers at school or sports. My familiarity with spending a lot of time with many people older than me, mixed with my multiple ways of viewing situations or ideas led me to think differently that most of the people my own age and led me to concealing parts of my perspectives, thoughts, and beliefs. I have always been a very social creature and made friends very easily at school with the kids my own age, and didn't want to be different than they were, so I acted as they acted, and conversed only as they did. Meanwhile I had much more perspective and thought going on in my mind. I kept that all to myself. I sort of felt like they hadn't caught up to me yet. So even in my own mind, I had different worlds where I simultaneously lived. All my life I have often or always concealed parts of my thoughts and perspectives as well as outwardly (not truly though) adapted the thoughts, actions, and perspectives of those around me so that I can enjoy myself during the time that I spend with them. It wasn't until I got to university and started spending time with other like-minded people that I could actually open up and talk freely about what I truly thought and believed. Before that, it didn't seem to me that anyone around me would be able to understand me. Correct or not, I guess I felt like they still needed to catch up to how I thought. I guess I still feel that way about most (not all) of the people in many (not all) of the circles I spend time with, as I have always mixed with a large variety of people from various ages, backgrounds, and environments.

Let me take another sidebar for a moment to once again add a disclaimer related to my prior post. Anyone that I felt could think, comprehend, and converse at a 'varied' level, I considered an equal and a peer. Ability to think, comprehend, and convey thoughts is what is most important to me. Intelligence. As well, those intelligent people that also were sociable and could easily interact in public were the ones I liked, admired, and wanted to spend time with. Discipline was also a very admirable quality to me. That's why I loved university so much. I especially liked the people who were in a more professional or directed course of study such as the maths or sciences, commerce, engineering, or any Masters or Ph.D level programs. Even better if they kept active and physically fit or at least in decent shape. To tell the truth, I can get along with and 'like' anyone (provided they are not too obnoxious or rude) but the ones I really liked and admired were the ones who were intelligent, especially if they were also aware, sociable, and disciplined (or 'directed' is a good word too). The rest I felt still had to 'catch up' and also felt many if not most of the 'others' weren't smart enough to ever 'catch up'. Another disclaimer though, is that as the years have gone by, and I've gotten older, more aware, and more mature and also spent more and more time with a great variety of people I do realize that my views were skewed and yes, - wrong. I doubt that anyone (provided they do respect the people around them) are better or superior than anyone else. I know that I am contradicting myself btw. But the more variety of people I get to truly know and the more mature I get, the more I realize that everyone is wonderful, and powerful, and beautiful all in their own way. And that we are all affected good and/ or bad from the circumstances, situations and traumas that we are subjected to and live. I do grow. I do learn. Continuously. That growth and learning curve is one of the things that I want to convey in my writings. Natural growth that comes from learning and experience. However, seeing I am on the topic, I will touch on what I was saying a little further (and continue to sidebar from the initial topic of my post).

Like I was saying, pretty much everyone that I find to be of 'adequate' intelligence I respected and considered to be my 'peers'. 'Equals' lets say. I've always used my perceptions of the concept of  'intelligent'. Basically, anyone that could think in a manner that I consider intelligent and convey those thoughts in conversation. Also it was always important to me that people think and convey thoughts in an objective and 'open-minded' manner. So they can consider other perspectives and ideas regardless of whether they fully agreed with those thoughts, perspectives, or ideas. I use university as an example a lot because that is where I met the most intelligent and open-minded people in my life. In reality, I don't care if someone has a university education or not (per se), - what I do care about is if they can have intelligent open-minded thoughts, and convey them in conversation or discussion. Most of the people I have met outside of university, - even most of the people I have met in the work-force I have considered to be either rather close-minded, one-minded, simple-minded, ignorant, unobjectionable, or just plain stupid. They seemed that way to me anyway. Mind you, that was more a reflection of the project teams that I had a tendency to get mixed with. Most of them were ten to twenty years older than me, and obviously were hired long before actual 'skill-level' was the primary hiring consideration. I was often brought in to handle a lot of the workload that they couldn't do, so had a tendency to work around a number of people that I often consider 'inadequate'. Often anyway. Then in the past 14 years, its been even worse because I meet a lot of the people I have talked to or associated with at pubs or bars. Even the coworkers I considered unintelligent were light years ahead of the 'bar crowd' in regards to open-thought, or just plain ability for thought. Its even worse since I've moved back to Canada because I've so far given up my professional career, so most of my coworkers are even less intelligent, less skilled, and have less integrity than the professional coworkers I used to have. So, when I do talk of 'intelligent people' I do have a tendency to refer back to university or university references. A bit of prejudice on my part I suppose. Ah well.

Mind you, the main reason that I have been hanging out at bars and pubs the past 14 years is mostly because it is different lifestyles and different perspectives than my peers at home and/ or at work. My professional work back then anyway. Keep in mind that most of the people I knew as friends, coworkers, or family were all 'professional' people with professional jobs, and 'married' lifestyles. They didn't associate with people unlike themselves, and didn't go to bars or pubs. They had family lives. Honesty and integrity are mainstays, and to lie or cheat or steal or deceive would be to lower yourself to a substandard level and would make you a much lesser human being (I still believe in that btw.)The women are not promiscuous and generally will only have sex with their steady partners (if even that) and everyone lives 'proper' and 'respectable' lifestyles. Pretty staid. Once again, that was pretty much the way I was raised, and always has been and continues to be what I consider my 'actual' lifestyle, regardless of which lifestyles I have been 'visiting' the past bunch of years. With that in mind, a number of the people that I have been associating with in the past bunch of years that spend all their social time in bars/ pubs, or drinking, or doing drugs I've always considered to be more-or-less 'losers', or at least living a 'loser lifestyle'. With that said, I have often wanted to 'escape' reality for a spell, and also experience different lifestyles of perspectives and have gladly joined that lifestyle. BUT all the while, my attitude is that I'm hanging with the 'losers' and living their 'loser lifestyle'. Then, when I'm ready to 'go back' to my regular lifestyle, I simply walk away from it and 'go home'. There is a great freedom in the fact that you do not care about what the people around you think, or what they think of you for that matter. That way you can do anything you want, and be anyone you want for as long as you feel like it and it will not affect your 'real world' because nobody from that world will ever know about it, or ever know or even associate with anyone from this 'loser' lifestyle that I have been playing in. I have always considered it my 'playground'. Once you're immersed, it does get much more 'complex' than that though. Especially once you start getting to know and forming friendships (or perhaps 'forms' of friendships) with a number of them (generally the 'higher-class' of the people in this lifestyle, but still living a 'loser' lifestyle none-the-less). When you start making friends with some of them, and start spending time with each other more in our 'own' worlds rather than just at the bar things do change somewhat. Somewhat. Not all though. Regardless, this is my 'attitude' from the start when I do join 'this world' and live the pub/ bar lifestyle. I consider them losers. I consider myself acting out, or 'playing' the loser lifestyle, and enjoying the freedom of it. But, admittedly, I've always considered myself and/ or my 'actual' lifestyle to be much 'superior' to them. Right or wrong, that is how I started out feeling about it, and for the most part still feel that way. Just saying.

More disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer. One again, this is how I used to feel about things. BUT for the most part, still feel this way. Partly anyway. Maybe mostly still. It's hard to say. It is partly how I was raised. To believe that one particular way of living and/ or thinking is 'right' and 'proper' and the rest just "doesn't measure up" the same way. Is an 'improper' way of living/ thinking/ being. I've spent most of my life questioning that mentality and a great portion of my life living experiences outside of what I was taught to be 'acceptable' in an effort to not only understand alternate thinking or alternate lifestyles but also to experience them for the 'awareness' and perspectives that one gains from them. In living alternate ways of thinking or doing things (living), my perspectives have changed - have grown. So yes, I say it's a 'loser' lifestyle, but that's probably not quite exactly how I feel about it. Probably not quite the best way to describe it. But its not entirely inaccurate about how I think of it either. It's really difficult to say. In living different lifestyles, and even more importantly in getting to know and even becoming friends with a number of people that do think and live differently than how I have been raised has made me understand better, - made me much more aware and has changed my perspectives. The whole point of the 'exercise' to begin with I suppose. I also contradict myself by saying that I do not agree with how I was raised to believe that one way is 'right', and all else is 'wrong', then go ahead and calling all other lifestyles 'loser' lifestyles. It is a little difficult to explain. Difficult to even fully understand I suppose. I don't consider all these people 'losers'. Some perhaps.  Before I experienced different ways of living and thinking I suppose I mostly did consider these people 'losers' or at least as I've said, at least considered them living a 'loser' lifestyle. Upbringing mostly, - I suppose. I am somewhat haughty towards the perspectives I was raised with. That is true. Still even now. Whatever. But I will say that with different experiences, and especially with knowing people with different perspectives, my own viewpoints have changed. Have grown. So I guess it is all still formulating. Still in a state of flux. I guess I just don't fully know. Sort of. Or something like that. I guess I'll just have to keep living and continue to figure out exactly what it is I do truly believe. What it is I'm even trying to say. We'll think and talk more and more and more about this as I learn and grow and live. For now, we'll leave it at that.

Okay, back to the original topic. Actually, this diarrhea of thought has gone off on such a jumbled tangent of disclaimers that I think I will end this post here and pick up the next post with a continuation of the original topic/ thought on 'awareness'. Next time then!  :)

Self (yet another sidebar)...

I will get back to writing about the whole story of my adventure with Lee. Eventually. Perhaps someday I will also get back to writing about the 'crazy days' of now several years ago. But seeing that is all taking 'forever' as I seem to be taking several months (if not years) between posts, first I will write a little more details about myself to let's say give a little bit more detail of my perspectives or attitude(s) during some of these stories that I'm relaying.

I'm the type of person that likes to live a great variety of different 'types' of lives. More like the type of person that craves to live many types of lives. I want to experience all of it. All the different lifestyles and all the subsequent perspectives that goes with these lifestyles. I do not entirely know why. I partly contribute it to my 'sense of adventure'. I guess. I guess a good part of it is also my desire or 'need' to 'understand' how and more importantly why I, and other people think and act as they do. A need to understand alternate perspectives and views. Or something like that.

As I've touched on a few time before, we are all greatly influenced and shaped by the environment we grew up in. Largely by our parents (or teachers) and also by the people and environment around us. I'm no exception to that. Who I was for the first 31 years of my life is pretty much the person that I was born and raised to be. Born to be, to a point anyway. That person and 'lifestyle' is still what I consider 'who I am' and my 'regular' lifestyle. Mind you, with that said, I've deviated quite a bit from that person and that lifestyle the past 14 years, and the experiences and new perspectives I have gained during that time has permanently changed me. For the better I'm thinking. I hope so at least.

I described that lifestyle at the very start of this blog. Professional, honest, driven, responsible, ambitious, educated, 'sane', and very sociably acceptable by what my upbringing considers 'regular society'. All those words could be used to describe who I was, and who I consider myself still to be. In the past 14 years I have often 'strayed' from that lifestyle tho. Sometimes partly, and sometimes arguably completely. At times anyway. More accurately though, its more like I've picked up 'alternate lifestyles' to live alongside my 'regular' lifestyle. Sort of lived many different lives at once. A 'normal' life, and a few 'alternate' lives. So-to-speak. When I put it that way, however, its not only been the past 14 years I've lived that way. More like its been pretty much my entire adult life I've lived that way. Actually, I pretty much started that around the age of 10. Its just in the past 14 years, those 'alternate' lifestyles have been more 'pronounced' lets say, and much more extremely 'different' from what I would consider my 'norm'.

It mostly started with my wife leaving and my job and life falling apart though. That's what I originally created this blog to document. How and why I started deviating from my 'original' path and where the course of that path took me. More importantly, I wanted to document how and what I learned from all of this and how it changed me and allowed my perspectives and myself to learn and grow. BUT as stated earlier, I do not write near enough so its taking far too long to document that and in fact I may never even get close to finishing (or even continuing) those writings. So, I'm writing this now to fill in some details about me/ my perspectives that I want to state, seeing I may never get around to explaining in 'chronological' order. So here goes.

I guess the first thing I should 'explain', because I've never put it in print before and do generally hide it (for good reason) is the fact that as an adult I have always had a terrible superiority complex over everyone besides those I've considered my 'peers'. (My peers being those persons who are A-level students/ professionals who are also outgoing and in decent shape.) My superiority complex is probably unwarranted, but I cannot help it. I am quite smart. I am a hard worker and always accomplish anything that I truly set my mind to. I started in poor shape as a child (due to ignorance and lower self-esteem), but due to self-education and determination was in athletic shape from the time I was 19 up until about 29 (when I decided that it just wasn't that important anymore). Since then I've been in average shape (but can get back in decent shape within a couple months whenever I decide to) and for my age have always been considered attractive to very attractive (depending on who's judging). Pretty much 'average attractive' now and in early adulthood, but from my late 20's to early 30's was praised by many as very attractive and was hit on a lot. Even now certain circles and pretty much a majority of people my age or older continue to tell me how attractive I am, regardless of the shape I keep myself in. (Mind you, a great number of people now do not find me attractive, especially if they are younger than me, but ah well. Lots still do.) AND I have always felt much more 'aware' than at least 95% of all the people I have met. I have met many people - mostly in university, that have been much smarter than me at many particular subjects, but almost every one of those persons were only very smart and/ or accomplished at one particular subject or skill set. For instance, I was an A-student at university mathematics and computer science, and there were PLENTY of students much smarter than me at those subjects, but almost none of those people had decent social skills or could get a date. Plus almost all of them were morons at psychology and self-understanding. Something I had already been a self-student on since I was 17 years old and had a great grasp of both 'self' and of cause-and-affect psychology. (For that matter, I was also an A-student at business and commerce.) On top of that, I was outgoing, loved conversations, exercised daily, was quite athletic, and always was able to get attractive and very intelligent girlfriends. With that said, there were MANY peers much more athletic and skilled than me, but almost all of them were sub-par students (if university-educated at all) and had average to sub-par jobs or careers. There are always exceptions of course. There were a number of people along the way that were as smart or smarter than me, that also were as or more charismatic than me, that also were in good shape or even athletic. Those are the people I truly admired and looked up to though. A number of them I became friends or associates with, and were included in my 'social circle'. I consider them my 'peers'.

When I get talking along these lines, there are SO MANY disclaimers that I have to put out there though. 'Superiority complex' is probably not the correct word or terminology to accurately describe how I feel. But, sometimes it is. Well, I suppose usually it is. Lol. I didn't always start out as 'super-confident' either, but I learned how to be due to my accomplishments and learned understanding, - particularly an understanding of 'self'. Actually I did 'start-out' as super confident with high self-esteem, but then experience some forms of progressive trauma that caused me to be less confident and greatly lowered my self-esteem. Then I recognized that and taught myself how to (mostly) reverse the process and bring myself back to very confident with even greater self-esteem. AND I don't mean that 'false-confidence' that so many people that started out insecure build. That they convince themselves that one or a few things are "what's important" and then proceed to get good at that or those things. Then 'think' they are better than everyone else because of it. That's not confidence or security. That's just more insecurity and inadequacy pretending to be 'confidence'. That's hiding behind a 'false crutch'. It doesn't lead to greater happiness or contentment or anything beneficial. That's just more denial. The confidence I built is from learning a deep understanding of  'self' and in understanding what motivates your views, actions, and reactions and why. Determining where they came from, - good and bad. Love/ happiness and trauma. Then reinforcing the parts in you that are 'you' and good and beneficial, and systematically reversing the negative aspects created from forms of trauma. Erasing the parts of your esteem that aren't really you (and are destructive to self). It's a life-long process to tell the truth. An exercise that everyone should labour towards though. Very beneficial. I think that is an important if not crucial thing for everyone to do, but I do know that hardly anybody does it. I may talk about this in more detail some other time.

Another disclaimer, is that as I've mentioned a number of times before is that we are all products of our environments and subsequently products of our perceptions. I am a smart person who thinks and analyzes constantly. I cannot stand being surrounded by people who are not capable of intelligent thought or conversation. Therefore, I think intelligence (along with social skills) is what makes a person most impressive and 'superior'. Granted, most of the world does not think that way. (Probably because they are not smart enough to. Lol.) So my attitude is already skewed. A great number of people out there think very differently than that. They think the people that like thought, intelligent conversation, culture, and learning alongside their social activities are boring and 'losers'. So already, the people that I feel are life's biggest losers think I am a 'loser'. So I guess we're even. It doesn't bother me though, I just know that they are too ignorant and stupid to know any better. Lol.

Okay, let's move on to other aspects of me. Right from a very early age, I'd started looking at things not only from my perspectives and views, but also tried to look at ideas or situations from the perspectives and viewpoints of others. Particularly if those viewpoints or perspectives opposed my own. I wanted to understand how and why people think as they do. I also questioned everything, including what I truly believed, and more importantly why I believed that. Where these beliefs actually originated from. Thinking this way did set me somewhat apart.

Most of the people around me, including my parents and family only think 'one way'. They have their beliefs and that is what is 'right' and they never question it or ask 'why' that is 'right' or why they even believe that or think that way. By the time I was 14 years old, I started more and more to deviate from what I'd been taught to believe. Its not that I though what I'd been taught was so much 'wrong', but rather I was beginning to understand that it wasn't the 'be-all-end-all' and that life isn't about 'right or wrong' and that many many perspectives were valid or had validity, even if they opposed or contradicted one another. That something can be gained, and lost, by each and every perspective or belief. That 'right and wrong' was in itself more the 'wrong answer'. I questioned things more and more and could continue to see the pros and cons in each view. Even the ones that opposed one another. The world wasn't comprised of right or wrong. It was more comprised of what was both gained and lost by each and every view. Each and every way of life. Each and every experience. No matter how different that view, or lifestyle, or experience was from the other. That the only thing that was 'wrong' was to limit yourself to only one view or one lifestyle. There was too much to be gained from embracing all of it, and too much to be lost by denying much of it. (To a point of course. Some paths, though educational to a point, if 'travelled to far' can lead to self-destruction and degradation and can be quite harmful. To travel these paths too far would be wrong. But even so, exploring these paths 'to a point' is not wrong. Not when there is something to be learned and therefore gained from it.)

Anyway. These views were not shared by the people around me, including my immediate family. That would be my parents and older brother. All they ever wanted me to do, was to believe in their views. Only their views. And to follow only their 'rules'. To live only the way that they live. They were trying to 'teach' me this to protect me. Then when I would show signs of 'deviation' from these views/ beliefs, they would try to force me to conform, - in order to protect me. They meant well. It was all based out of love for me and a perceived need to 'protect' me. They just couldn't see as I could see. They could not understand as I could understand. That I can believe in their views and beliefs, and believe those views, - that 'way', is the best and 'proper' way to live, but still deviate from it. At least for a time. At least long enough to learn what it is I needed to experience and learn from the other ways of viewing, of thinking, or living. I knew that in living the variety of views or lifestyles was the true path to understanding and learning. Growing. So I knew that is what I needed to do. How I needed to live. But they wouldn't let me. They didn't understand that you could believe one way, or belief, or path to be the 'most proper' (for lack of better words) and therefore, the one that you 'believe in' and will live, do live, yet still travel other paths for a while just to gain the experience, understanding, and growth from them. They were always so afraid that once I ventured down a different path then I would get 'stuck' there and not return to their 'right' path.

They were wrong. Their fear was always unfounded. But I did always understand that it stemmed from fear, love, ignorance, and a need to 'protect'. Everyone around me is always trying to 'protect' me because they are too ignorant to see as I can see. I cannot fault them for being ignorant, nor for loving me. To be loved  is the most important thing in a life, and there has never been any shortage of love in my life. So, rather than oppose them and fight them, I simply had to pretend to adhere to their wishes and their fears and to pretend to go along with how they act and live. But in private, - in secret, I would still go along my own path(s). Go along the way(s) that I knew was right (for me if not anyone else) and to explore these alternate beliefs, ways, and/ or lifestyles.

This is when and why I started living these 'alternate' lifestyles. And when and why I started hiding segments of my life from the other segments of my life. Having 'secret' lives so to speak. I've pretty much lived that way ever since. So yes, I have my lifestyle which I consider my 'actual' lifestyle, - but then I also have all these other lifestyles that I live in private. On my own time. I benefit a great deal from all the experiences of each.

I don't think I really understood this when I was younger. Not in this light anyway. I just went on living what I considered my 'real' lifestyle, and meanwhile in private started living 'alternate' lifestyles. Never really gave it any thought really. Just did it. I don't think I've ever given it too much thought. Certainly never thought it out or especially wrote it out before. Not in this context anyway.

Its a good precursor to why or maybe how I've lived the life I have these past 14 years though. And it is a good precursor to my time with Lee (Breda) and more recently (and briefly) with her sister. But I will get into that in the next few posts. Probably anyway. This is a good (or at least sufficient) stopping point though. So I think I will end this post here, and continue more along these thoughts in later posts.

The Whole Story (Part I)

Okay, I'm going to write out the complete story of my little 'adventure' with Lee - the hot chick that I've been writing about in my last two posts. I will admit, it was a great 'adventure' for me, and with each passing adventure, I'm never sure if I'll ever have another one quite like it. Mind you, this was by no means the first time I've spent time in a 'sort of' relationship (or tryst or whatever) with a hot 'crazy' chick. I had a few during my crazy days in Columbus, and one way back when in university when I was 19 years old, and even one a couple years ago here in Canada. BUT this is the first time I allowed myself to truly 'feel' for this person and to throw my emotions in full throttle and really 'immerse' myself into the relationship (or affair, or whatever it was). It was wonderful. I loved the way I felt throughout the best of it, and even enjoyed the feelings and emotions when it wasn't being 'ideal'. It was great to truly 'feel' again. I realize now that its been quite a while since I've truly allowed myself to 'feel' much of anything. For that time, I was alive. :)

Anyway, I suppose it's not fair for me to call Lee a 'crazy' chick. But that's the name I've always given to people who live lets say an 'escape' lifestyle. What I mean by that is people who more or less live in the moment, give no thought to past or future and live purely for the present and live purely for lets say 'immediate gratification'. Sex, drugs, alcohol, fun, and immediate pleasures. Basically running from life, running from pain and past trauma, and never thinking about what it is that you are running or escaping from. Just hiding in pleasure and fun rather than facing reality and what's inside of you and trying to heal. Escaping rather than actually living. With that said, fun is a great substitute for truly living and truly being happy. But it is still just a substitute for happiness. Its great to escape for 'a moment' or even a longer length of time. We all need some 'distraction' for what ills or concerns us. I've done that quite a few times over the past 13 years, but eventually I always come back to 'reality' and face life and reality. Engage in life. I think I do anyway.

But there are a great number of people who never do face 'reality'. Never do learn 'who' they are or what they are hiding and/ or escaping from. And never look for true inner happiness or contentment. Instead live their entire lives running and escaping in 'fun' and pleasure, and totally mistake that for happiness. I think anyway. (Or maybe I'm the one that's wrong. Who knows?) Anyway, I classify Lee as one of those people, and for our time, I was more than happy to escape with her for the wonderful moment we did share. Admittedly, I did love the moment, the escape, and I do love her for all of it.

Even more so, the times we sometimes still share and I believe will continue to share in the future, is actual 'in reality now'. What I mean by that is that its no longer acting or fake, rather its honest and real. Even though much of it was merely acting out a moment (in a way, fake), our caring was real, and our time together eventually transformed from a game and 'acting' into reality. Real. Mind you, the reality is not nearly as fun as much of the 'game' was, - after all, it was all a 'make-believe' reality, - fantasy. But in the end, I do like the reality better. (Sort of.)  It is 'real' and is part of the things that make me 'happier'. Hm. I do like that.

So let's get into our 'whole' story. First a precursor. What I do for money, though fun, is not a 'career' job and not what I want to do for an actual 'living'. It is good money when I do it, but its also seasonal so there is a number of months where there is no work in it and I have to find something else to do. Once again, this isn't the life or 'career' that I want for myself, but so far haven't found a way to get to where I want to be career-wise yet. Ah well. Anyway, I took a part-time job doing fundraising for a charity over December and January in my home town in Manitoba. The money wasn't that great, but I could set my own hours, make a little bit of money, and live with/ visit with my Dad for a couple months. He's in his 80's now so its good to be able to spend time together while we still can. I always go back there for a week or two at Christmas anyway. What I didn't realize is that my brother (two years older) was going to spend three weeks there over Christmas also. This is bad. Me and my brother do love one another, but are totally different types of people. We can get along in shorter spells, but there is no way we can ever live under the same roof and no way that we can continue to get along for more than a week. He is totally controlling too, and when it comes to where he's living he has to have EVERYTHING his own way. EVERYTHING. He's got all these weird OCD-like rules for everything. How you have to do things, where and how to stack the dirty dishes, when and how things have to be cleaned, how you should talk or act, - EVERYTHING. Trying to live with him is a f#cking nightmare, and impossible to get along trying to live with his 'crazy f#cked-up' rules. You try to appease him by living by his stupid crazy 'rules' (because you would never hear the end of it if you didn't and wouldn't get any peace and quiet at all),  but no matter how much you try to appease him to keep the peace, its never enough and you end up being under a constant barrage of insults and criticisms because 'you aren't doing things right'. Meanwhile, what constitutes 'right' to him is border-line crazy and bizarre in the first place. Anyway, its a f#cken nightmare trying to coexist in the same house as him. Its f#cken crazy.

Anyway, we lasted a couple weeks before blowing up at each other and getting in a fight, but it was a bought of rising tension from day one since he got home. I was going absolutely stir-crazy trying to live with him and his f#cked up rules, and was under constant criticism and insults from him because he cannot stand when things aren't done exactly as he thinks they should be. What makes it worse is that I am considerably smarter than he is (though he thinks otherwise), understand practically 'everything' much better than he does (though he definitely thinks otherwise), and am a lot bigger and stronger and in better shape than he is so could beat the f#ck out of him if I chose to. BUT I just try to keep the peace as long as possible before starting to mouth him back and getting in a fight. I HATE spending time trying to live with him. I HATE it. It is impossible! So, needless to say, by the time he finally went back home (which is the same city I live in), I was going completely stir-crazy and was ready to burst. I needed to get out on my own, and party and unwind. As fate would have it, two days after my brother left, my Dad was also going on a two-week vacation in Hawaii so I would have the whole place to myself. By the time my brother and my Dad had left, I was ready to get out and party!

It was a couple days after that when I met Lee. I had gone out and had a few drinks the first night my Dad was away, and now it was a couple days later, a Saturday night, when I decided to head out after work. I had to work the next day as well so wasn't planning on staying out too late but I did leave that option open. My home town has a population of just over 50,000 people so isn't all that exciting, and there's not a lot of options of places to go. So I was at one place for a while, then near the end of the night ended up downtown at another bar. That's where I ran into an old friend of mine from six years ago. He's a native guy, Ojibwa, who I had met and spent quite a bit of time with five years ago when I was in town transitioning back to Canada from the United States. I eventually got settled in Canada and moved to where I live now, so we lost touch years ago. It was good to see him again though. He was out with his sister, and his younger cousin, the very gorgeous, Lee. She looked absolutely stunning. She is Metis, but looks entirely white at-a-glance.

Anyway, I sat with them and we had drinks but seeing it was near the end of the night they invited me to an after-hours party at someone's apartment around the corner. Just like me and my friend used to always do when we hung out before. So we went to a party...

What is Real?

There is much more to my previous story than I was explaining. I kind of glossed over it. I will expand on it some more, but first I want to think about what exactly is 'real'. Especially when it comes to feelings and relationships.

For the first 31 years of my life I was very 'serious' about the type of person I would date or even have 'real' feelings for. My idea was that if it wasn't the type of person that I wanted to marry then I was only wasting my time. I had a very strict set of standards of the type of person that I would be with. I also took 'love' very seriously, making sure that any person that I would even allow myself to love was exactly what I was looking for. I also made sure that any 'love' that I felt was completely honest and 'real' and was never a mistake. Way back when, I turned down dates and even relationships with a lot of very attractive women that were probably absolutely wonderful people because they just didn't fit into my 'standard' of what I truly wanted. That's not to say that I didn't get turned down from the women I pursued as well. But I'm just saying that I was very specific about what I was looking for. AND I wanted to make sure I was never wrong about it. I wanted to make sure it was all 'real'. My idea of what 'real' was anyway.

When I became single at 31 years old and started living my 'alternate' crazy fun lifestyle for a while (which I only started to write about and never finished) I spent time with a lot of different types of people and learned quite a bit different perspectives. One of my best friends throughout those days (who I haven't gotten around to writing about yet) had a totally different perspective than me. He wasn't so much an attractive person, but he had a way about him, a charisma that made him very attractive to most of the ladies at the bar. I spent a lot of time with him and we had some very fun adventures together. One thing about him that really appealed to women is that he allowed himself to fall completely and totally in love with a woman at the drop of a hat. It wasn't real love, but he would convince himself in an instant that he was in love, and would just pour all that love and emotion out at his most recent unexpecting woman. He would believe it too. That he was madly in love. With a woman he pretty much just met. They loved it though. They would eat it up, and fall for him because of how much he felt for them. How much he loved them. Pretty much he would tell every woman all the same things, but they all ate it up and fell for it completely. Its because he believed it at the time to be true. He would convince himself he was in love and would take a great many deal of women home for the night. Then in the morning he wouldn't even remember saying all the 'loving' words to them. Its like he was now back to reality and he would deny ever saying it at all. He honestly did not remember saying it. I saw it happen over and over again. It worked pretty much every time too.

When I met Lee, the girl I wrote about in my last post, I was from out of town (actually I was in my home town where I grew up and haven't lived in decades but had spent a few months at a time there when I was transitioning back to Canada), and was staying at my Dad's house. I was going to be going back to my home in a couple weeks or so. Lee wasn't single either. She had a fiancé who had been in prison for the past 10 or so months and wouldn't be getting out for another few months. (Don't know what he was in for, but apparently it was something from his past and wasn't too serious.) As I say, she was 10 years younger than me and absolutely gorgeous. But for whatever reason, she found me very attractive and had somewhat of a 'thing' for me. I was friends with her cousin, which is how I found myself partying with them in the first place. Given the circumstances, I was just looking for some fun and maybe a one-night-stand. The fact that she was giving me so much attention and was so attracted to me blew me away. Seeing it was happening, I just went with it though. I sat with her and she gave me these gorgeous puppy-dog eyes and soon asked me to kiss her. We made out off and on throughout the afternoon and then later had a moment in partial privacy so we started having sex. Like I said in my prior post, it was interrupted so we never finished, but it was enough to fuel my fire for her.

Then I took to pursuing her and try to finish what we started. I've never done this before, but I'd seen Steve (my friend from my 'crazy days') do it so many times, I decided to take a page from his playbook and just let all my emotions free. I decided to be in love with her for that moment. I really let my emotional and artistic side out and just gushed for her. Just like Steve used to always do (with great success I may add). Its not that I was lying either. I felt all the emotions that I was pouring out and did mean everything that I said. I just let go of all inhibitions though and streamed all my feelings and emotions out. Was the love and feelings truly real though? I'm not sure. maybe not. They felt real though. And it didn't really matter anyway. I was going to be leaving for home in two or so weeks, and she had a fiancé anyway. I was just living the moment for as long as that moment lasted. I didn't really believe that I would be able to sway her anyway. I just went for it though. She was loving it though. After a few days I was really getting somewhere with her so I allowed myself to feel even more and poured it on even thicker. Within a week I was feeling totally in love with her and she was feeling so much for me as well. She was loving it. I accomplished my goal and did end up having sex with her, and then did it again the next day. I was satiated and figured we were probably done but by now I felt so much love and passion for her that I just couldn't stop myself from continuing to try 'for one last time'. I was consumed and apparently so was she. We did keep ending up being together more and more and THEN she decided to break up with her fiancé (which had been on her mind outside of me) and now she was single. She also decided to move to the city I actually lived in. Not really because of me. Its where her best friend lived and she wanted to move there anyway. But she was now single and was now going to be living in the same city as me.

Now all-of-a-suddenly this was a totally new game. In fact, it he was no longer a game at all. Now it was real. Reality set in. Did I mean all the things that I said to her? Did I truly love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her? I meant it when I said it. It was how I was feeling, but I was acting out with my uninhibited poet's heart and wouldn't have to follow thru with any of it anyway because she wasn't available. I never ever thought that it would ever be an option for us to truly be together. It was too late to turn back now though. Besides I was really feeling in love and was loving ever moment of it. I have no idea how much reality it actually was though. I had no idea if I knew what I was doing and what I had gotten myself into.

As it turns out it didn't really matter, because she was just acting out the same as me. She was just taking advantage of an opportunity as well and playing out what she was feeling. So it was all good, but I didn't really know that at the time. I just knew that it was too late to turn back and I now had to follow thru on all the things I had felt and said. Scary. But exciting none-the-less.

My point though is how much of what we had and were sharing was actually real? We were both acting out. We were living a moment and being 'actors on a stage' so to speak. The feelings were real though. Real for the moment if not real entirely anyway. I did love her. Or at least felt love for her. So I guess it was real. I guess. It didn't last of course as we are quite different people, but months later we are still close, and sometimes still together and do feel a form of love for one another. So I guess it was real. Bottom line, the feelings were real for that moment (and beyond) and kept growing into something that though different than how it started is definitely real.

This reminds me of a young friend I had way back throughout the 'crazy days'. She was only 19 years old at the time and didn't know herself from her insecurities. We were all 10+ years older than her and had much more life's experiences and understanding of 'self'. She was desperate to be in a relationship too. One time, me and Steve took her out to cheer her up as a relationship that she was trying to develop didn't work out for her. I introduced her to another friend of mine who was even about nine years older than me. I had no inkling at the time, but they actually started a relationship together. Not a 'real' relationship actually as he was already in a relationship for the past year and considered her his girlfriend. My young friend was 'the other woman' who he was cheating on his real girlfriend with. They were together for a number of months (behind his 'real' girlfriend's back). He was more than twice her age too, so was able to 'manipulate' her somewhat with his skewed 'logic'. BUT it was real to Katie (my friend). They did have a 'realtionship' and did truly care for each other for the time that it lasted. It eventually ended as he was already in a relationship with the woman he considered his girlfriend and partner.

Here's the thing though. It was always real to Katie. Twelve plus years later, they are both married to other people but still keep in touch via facebook and still love one another for the time and experiences that they had shared. It sure didn't seem like a relationship to me when they were in it. It sure looked to me like he was using her. BUT fact is it is what they believed it was. Katie will always consider that they were in a loving relationship, so I guess they were.

Bottom line is, what is real is what people believe to be real. My feeling for Lee were and are real. So I guess what we had and shared was also real. What we are still sharing, though different than it started is real too. Its a different perspective than I had ten plus years ago.

A New Adventure Begins...

Well, once again I'm deterring from the stories of my past to talk about my latest set of adventures.

I had a tremendous adventure with a beautiful woman recently. I was visiting out of town for a couple months when I met her. She is very beautiful, but I still have no idea why I am as attracted to her as I am. I think a lot of it was purely for the adventure. She's not at all the type of person I generally spend time with. She's volatile and gets pretty wild and insane when she drinks. She's often at times dishonest and you sometimes cannot trust her as well.

 

But that's what you see on the surface. There is also true beauty and caring within her and the person I see when I look at her is that beautiful person that she truly is. She just has a lot of damage and pain from past trauma and that has a tendency to create another 'external layer' to her. If I had met her under different circumstances I do not think that I would be the least bit interested in her. But, there was a large immediate instant attraction between us that initially could not be denied. I think the fact that she was so beautiful and so attracted to me is why I got so attracted to her. Her interest in me made me feel young and beautiful again. Desirable. I fell in love with feeling that way, and as a result I started to fall for her.

 

At first, it was just a game. She already had a man. A fiancé in fact. One that was gone for a while, but she wanted to remain faithful to him. That made obtaining her even more of a challenge. We had our initial attraction, and it was her that initiated all of it. She had a thing for me and wasn't hiding that fact. Mind you, we were drinking at the time too and she does get very amorous and vibrant when she drinks. Over the course of a day of partying, our attraction spilled over into intimacy and then came very close to much more. It was interrupted though, so we never got to finish what we started. ie. We started to have impromptu sex but it was interrupted so we never finished. After that, I still felt like I was WAY out of my element with her, but was going with the initial attraction and pursued her (via text conversations) in the following days. It was an exciting game to me to see if we could finish what we started.

 

We had more adventures together and once again got close to being together but had a falling out and that moment was once again lost. That prompted me to desire her even more. The fact that a second chance came around at all was surprising to me, but the fact that I missed that opportunity again only strengthened my resolve to finish this. My attraction was growing stronger and stronger and I could not believe that I blew it the second time after working so hard to get that second chance. This made me try even harder to make it happen. It was becoming less and less like a game to me now though. My desire was growing. My passion for her was already on fire and it lit a passion under my artistic side. A side of me that had been dormant for some time. I side of me that I had almost forgotten about, and likewise had forgotten about how much I loved and needed that side of me. The fire inside of me was burning with adamant desire. I felt truly alive for the first time in years and that inner passion was feeding my feelings of passion towards her. Without realizing it, I was falling for her. We talked pretty much constantly thru texting, so she was never too far from my mind as well. Without realizing it I was starting to tell her that I did love her (I was drinking at the time though), and when she questioned me about it later, - the following day when I was more sober, I quickly realized it was true. I was feeling love for her. I'm still not sure if it was actually love for her, or love for how she made me feel. Love for the person that she had brought out in me. Brought out within me. I didn't care. I didn't want these feelings and emotions inside of me to ever end. I felt so alive and vibrant. 

 

A third opportunity finally presented itself again and this time I did not fail myself. By this time, my desire was more than overwhelming to me. I loved how alive I was with her. It was fantastic and passionate sex. Probably the most passionate and exciting sex that I'd had in 10 or more years. It was a beautifully heated moment of desire and shared passion.

 

I was satiated. My desire and passion for her had only gotten stronger though. Because she in actuality was not an available woman, so as much as I never wanted our moment together to end, I was not sure if I would ever get another opportunity. Not during this trip anyway. The poet within me was fully awake now though and I was letting him do the talking for me. The poet, - the artist, did not want the passion to end, so I kept pursuing. I didn't think I would get yet another opportunity though. But somehow the poet won over again and we were together once again. It was just as marvellous and passionate as the first time. Bliss.

 

This time I was quite sure it was over. I felt more love and passion towards her than ever but I already felt like I stole two incredibly fantastic moments that I still felt I shouldn't have ever been able to achieve in the first place. I was happy with the memory of what I had. I was still in town a little bit longer and we were still spending non-private time together, so of course I was going to continue allowing my poet to push for just one more time. All I could think about was having that moment just one more time. It didn't look like that opportunity was going to come though. I was happy with what I had achieved and loved having her as part of my life in any capacity. I also knew that it may not happen again any time soon, but I was confident that eventually the moment would repeat again. I was just thinking it may be some time in the more distant future though.

 

Once again, I was wrong. It was now just days before I went back to my home. I had already resolved myself to the fact that I would not see her again before leaving. She was feeling somewhat guilty about her fiancé so was keeping her distance as well. But as fate would have it, a few days later we found ourselves together in the same room again. Seeing I already accepted to myself that I would not be seeing her again, - at least not during this trip, my passion and desire and feelings of love towards her were even more pronounced. I couldn't stop staring at her. All I wanted was to be in her presence and to enjoy stealing ever extra second that I could. We were partying again and not alone, and as things can tend to when time and alcohol are involved things went rather sideways before the end of the night. Not so much with us, but with other people who were there and as a result we were apart once again. Once again, I thought my last moment with her was over.

 

Once again I was wrong. I texted her, somewhat upset, only 30 minutes after we had parted. She told me to come and get her. I didn't hesitate. This time I wasn't going to waste any more time. I took her to a motel room so we can for the first time ever, have complete privacy. It was glorious. We spent five hours in bed together. Just the two of us. Alone without the interference of the world. It changed everything too. It took 'us' to a different level. Up until that point, she was the 'forbidden fruit' that I was just able to steal for moments at a time. She had a fiancé who would eventually be home (in a few months), and I was leaving for the city I lived in just days. Now she tells me that she is leaving her fiancé. That she is now single. I didn't EVER have a single inkling that this situation could ever find itself in the realm of possibility. For the first time since it began (about two weeks earlier) it was no longer a game. Now it was much more real. I had to start thinking about whether the two of us were even compatible in something that resembled a relationship. Were 'we' even feasible. It was exciting, but it was also scary. I'd let my poet do all the talking and I let myself fall in love without regards to practicality or thought. I didn't think I would need to. I was leaving in days and we were both going back to our 'real' lives. Now I was thinking that I hope that I knew what I was doing. Trying to make an actual 'future' between us could end up being a mistake, but it was too late to turn back now. I was in love. At least I thought I was. Up until now I never had  to discern between love and passion. Seeing this wasn't 'real' up until now, I didn't have to discern between them. To tell the truth, I was in love with her, but I didn't really know anything about her. Aside from how much passion I felt for her, and how much I loved how that passion made me feel. Now I'll have to learn the rest of her. I hoped I knew what I was doing. It was too late to turn back now, so I had to press forward.

 

This began the next chapter for us...

A Note

Well, I seem to have gotten side-tracked as I haven't written anything on this blog for nearly three years and only wrote one post in the past four years. Hm. I should start this up again and write more posts regularly, but we'll see if that happens. There a few different reasons for me wanting to write this blog. The main reason is that I do like to write and want to keep at least somewhat practiced at it. One of the original reasons was also that I wanted to relay the stories of (mostly) "the crazy days" and it was fun to be able to share them with the people who were involved in these stories. Well, four years later that's not so relevant anymore because as we've moved on with our lives (and are no longer living a period of 'escape') most of them have lost touch with me. A few of the people I was closest to still keep in touch on occasion on Facebook, but that's about it. None-the-less, I was mostly writing it for me not them anyway.

One thing that I do want to note is that though these stories are amusing to me and some of them did get kind of crazy in a fun and reckless sort of way, the reason I'm writing them is not to try to highlight myself or boast or brag about a few fun and crazy times. There's nothing worth bragging about here. It was just fun times during a period where many of us were in transitional periods of our lives and were looking for very entertaining forms of momentary escape. I am writing it because I do want to keep a record of it while much of it is still fresh enough in my memory. I also want to record it because these are real-life stories of events that did happen and I'm thinking that I can use these stories to perhaps combine into works of fiction. I always have enjoyed writing and think sometime I will eventually try my hand at writing some stories or even books that I can try to get published. Some of the characters and events in these stories are quite interesting (to me if nobody else anyway). I think I can take composites of these people and events and combine a few things together/ modify a few things slightly, add some additional creativity and create some decent works of fiction that have a lot of real-life flavor to them. That's one of my plans (or thoughts) anyway.

Another thing that I want to record is the fact that though some of these events were somewhat zany and fun, what I really want to make a note of is why or how these events came about. I don't think any of us were living what we considered our 'actual' lives. We were just (as I've said) escaping and 'acting out'. Living a different world and being different people for a time. Something I believe most people do. Some people's whole lives are that way I suspect. The other thing that I want to note is the whole 'process' of it. From these experiences I went through periods of escape and then through periods of perhaps denial and finally started to understand things more and started to look for ways to get back to being 'me'. I guess I was trying to figure out who 'me' was and through many of these experiences I learned things about life, about other people, and about myself. It opened my perspectives on many things. I learned much from these varied experiences and it shaped me and allowed me to understand and grow in ways that I never otherwise would have. In the end the journey made me a more aware, rounded, and more complete person. I think so anyway. And the journeys and experiences that I continue to live also continue to shape and mold me into who I am. Before my 'life' fell apart everything was stable, 'proper', and financially comfortable. I though I had it all, and I thought I was complete and happy. I wasn't though. It was naive (but quite normal) for me to think so. Varied experiences give you different perspectives. Allow you to consider things in a different light and open your mind and perceptions to different viewpoints. They also expose you to different people, places, and scenarios that allow your perceptions and mind to expand. To grow. I recognize that without a lot of these zany experiences, events, and people I would not be nearly as aware as I am now. In the end I learned and grew from all of this and that is not something that I would have ever initially expected.

One thing I want to record as well is how much things are affected by people's perceptions. I've touched on that in a prior post and will continue to expand on that topic in future writings. Even now as I spend time with a number of people of different ages/ generations I note the huge differences in perceptions as well. I'll talk about all that at other times as well. One thing I will note now however is the fact that as much as I considered myself not living my real life during those crazy times, and in my perspective was not really 'being myself', rather I was just 'acting out', following the lead of the people around me, and acting out the lives that they live for the fun and variety of it. BUT meanwhile, so were they. I assumed that they were living their 'normal' lives and I just followed their lead thinking they 'knew what they were doing'. Most of them (who I haven't even got to yet in my posts) were also 'escaping' and living a 'different' life. Same as me, they just assumed I was the zany person with the zany life and they were following my lead. In the end, we fed off one another and ended up living some crazy fun experiences all the while assuming it was `the other guy` who actually lived this way. When I talk to a few of the more prominent players from those times now and we reminisce they have the perception that I was the `crazy` one that lived a crazy life and they were only following my lead. That`s how I think of them though. Probably none of this crazy fun would have ever occurred if we didn't believe that the `other guy` was the one that lived that way and `knew what he was doing`. In reality it was the blind leading the blind and we were all just making it up as we went along. Too funny.