What is Real?

There is much more to my previous story than I was explaining. I kind of glossed over it. I will expand on it some more, but first I want to think about what exactly is 'real'. Especially when it comes to feelings and relationships.

For the first 31 years of my life I was very 'serious' about the type of person I would date or even have 'real' feelings for. My idea was that if it wasn't the type of person that I wanted to marry then I was only wasting my time. I had a very strict set of standards of the type of person that I would be with. I also took 'love' very seriously, making sure that any person that I would even allow myself to love was exactly what I was looking for. I also made sure that any 'love' that I felt was completely honest and 'real' and was never a mistake. Way back when, I turned down dates and even relationships with a lot of very attractive women that were probably absolutely wonderful people because they just didn't fit into my 'standard' of what I truly wanted. That's not to say that I didn't get turned down from the women I pursued as well. But I'm just saying that I was very specific about what I was looking for. AND I wanted to make sure I was never wrong about it. I wanted to make sure it was all 'real'. My idea of what 'real' was anyway.

When I became single at 31 years old and started living my 'alternate' crazy fun lifestyle for a while (which I only started to write about and never finished) I spent time with a lot of different types of people and learned quite a bit different perspectives. One of my best friends throughout those days (who I haven't gotten around to writing about yet) had a totally different perspective than me. He wasn't so much an attractive person, but he had a way about him, a charisma that made him very attractive to most of the ladies at the bar. I spent a lot of time with him and we had some very fun adventures together. One thing about him that really appealed to women is that he allowed himself to fall completely and totally in love with a woman at the drop of a hat. It wasn't real love, but he would convince himself in an instant that he was in love, and would just pour all that love and emotion out at his most recent unexpecting woman. He would believe it too. That he was madly in love. With a woman he pretty much just met. They loved it though. They would eat it up, and fall for him because of how much he felt for them. How much he loved them. Pretty much he would tell every woman all the same things, but they all ate it up and fell for it completely. Its because he believed it at the time to be true. He would convince himself he was in love and would take a great many deal of women home for the night. Then in the morning he wouldn't even remember saying all the 'loving' words to them. Its like he was now back to reality and he would deny ever saying it at all. He honestly did not remember saying it. I saw it happen over and over again. It worked pretty much every time too.

When I met Lee, the girl I wrote about in my last post, I was from out of town (actually I was in my home town where I grew up and haven't lived in decades but had spent a few months at a time there when I was transitioning back to Canada), and was staying at my Dad's house. I was going to be going back to my home in a couple weeks or so. Lee wasn't single either. She had a fiancé who had been in prison for the past 10 or so months and wouldn't be getting out for another few months. (Don't know what he was in for, but apparently it was something from his past and wasn't too serious.) As I say, she was 10 years younger than me and absolutely gorgeous. But for whatever reason, she found me very attractive and had somewhat of a 'thing' for me. I was friends with her cousin, which is how I found myself partying with them in the first place. Given the circumstances, I was just looking for some fun and maybe a one-night-stand. The fact that she was giving me so much attention and was so attracted to me blew me away. Seeing it was happening, I just went with it though. I sat with her and she gave me these gorgeous puppy-dog eyes and soon asked me to kiss her. We made out off and on throughout the afternoon and then later had a moment in partial privacy so we started having sex. Like I said in my prior post, it was interrupted so we never finished, but it was enough to fuel my fire for her.

Then I took to pursuing her and try to finish what we started. I've never done this before, but I'd seen Steve (my friend from my 'crazy days') do it so many times, I decided to take a page from his playbook and just let all my emotions free. I decided to be in love with her for that moment. I really let my emotional and artistic side out and just gushed for her. Just like Steve used to always do (with great success I may add). Its not that I was lying either. I felt all the emotions that I was pouring out and did mean everything that I said. I just let go of all inhibitions though and streamed all my feelings and emotions out. Was the love and feelings truly real though? I'm not sure. maybe not. They felt real though. And it didn't really matter anyway. I was going to be leaving for home in two or so weeks, and she had a fiancé anyway. I was just living the moment for as long as that moment lasted. I didn't really believe that I would be able to sway her anyway. I just went for it though. She was loving it though. After a few days I was really getting somewhere with her so I allowed myself to feel even more and poured it on even thicker. Within a week I was feeling totally in love with her and she was feeling so much for me as well. She was loving it. I accomplished my goal and did end up having sex with her, and then did it again the next day. I was satiated and figured we were probably done but by now I felt so much love and passion for her that I just couldn't stop myself from continuing to try 'for one last time'. I was consumed and apparently so was she. We did keep ending up being together more and more and THEN she decided to break up with her fiancé (which had been on her mind outside of me) and now she was single. She also decided to move to the city I actually lived in. Not really because of me. Its where her best friend lived and she wanted to move there anyway. But she was now single and was now going to be living in the same city as me.

Now all-of-a-suddenly this was a totally new game. In fact, it he was no longer a game at all. Now it was real. Reality set in. Did I mean all the things that I said to her? Did I truly love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her? I meant it when I said it. It was how I was feeling, but I was acting out with my uninhibited poet's heart and wouldn't have to follow thru with any of it anyway because she wasn't available. I never ever thought that it would ever be an option for us to truly be together. It was too late to turn back now though. Besides I was really feeling in love and was loving ever moment of it. I have no idea how much reality it actually was though. I had no idea if I knew what I was doing and what I had gotten myself into.

As it turns out it didn't really matter, because she was just acting out the same as me. She was just taking advantage of an opportunity as well and playing out what she was feeling. So it was all good, but I didn't really know that at the time. I just knew that it was too late to turn back and I now had to follow thru on all the things I had felt and said. Scary. But exciting none-the-less.

My point though is how much of what we had and were sharing was actually real? We were both acting out. We were living a moment and being 'actors on a stage' so to speak. The feelings were real though. Real for the moment if not real entirely anyway. I did love her. Or at least felt love for her. So I guess it was real. I guess. It didn't last of course as we are quite different people, but months later we are still close, and sometimes still together and do feel a form of love for one another. So I guess it was real. Bottom line, the feelings were real for that moment (and beyond) and kept growing into something that though different than how it started is definitely real.

This reminds me of a young friend I had way back throughout the 'crazy days'. She was only 19 years old at the time and didn't know herself from her insecurities. We were all 10+ years older than her and had much more life's experiences and understanding of 'self'. She was desperate to be in a relationship too. One time, me and Steve took her out to cheer her up as a relationship that she was trying to develop didn't work out for her. I introduced her to another friend of mine who was even about nine years older than me. I had no inkling at the time, but they actually started a relationship together. Not a 'real' relationship actually as he was already in a relationship for the past year and considered her his girlfriend. My young friend was 'the other woman' who he was cheating on his real girlfriend with. They were together for a number of months (behind his 'real' girlfriend's back). He was more than twice her age too, so was able to 'manipulate' her somewhat with his skewed 'logic'. BUT it was real to Katie (my friend). They did have a 'realtionship' and did truly care for each other for the time that it lasted. It eventually ended as he was already in a relationship with the woman he considered his girlfriend and partner.

Here's the thing though. It was always real to Katie. Twelve plus years later, they are both married to other people but still keep in touch via facebook and still love one another for the time and experiences that they had shared. It sure didn't seem like a relationship to me when they were in it. It sure looked to me like he was using her. BUT fact is it is what they believed it was. Katie will always consider that they were in a loving relationship, so I guess they were.

Bottom line is, what is real is what people believe to be real. My feeling for Lee were and are real. So I guess what we had and shared was also real. What we are still sharing, though different than it started is real too. Its a different perspective than I had ten plus years ago.