Self (yet another sidebar)...

I will get back to writing about the whole story of my adventure with Lee. Eventually. Perhaps someday I will also get back to writing about the 'crazy days' of now several years ago. But seeing that is all taking 'forever' as I seem to be taking several months (if not years) between posts, first I will write a little more details about myself to let's say give a little bit more detail of my perspectives or attitude(s) during some of these stories that I'm relaying.

I'm the type of person that likes to live a great variety of different 'types' of lives. More like the type of person that craves to live many types of lives. I want to experience all of it. All the different lifestyles and all the subsequent perspectives that goes with these lifestyles. I do not entirely know why. I partly contribute it to my 'sense of adventure'. I guess. I guess a good part of it is also my desire or 'need' to 'understand' how and more importantly why I, and other people think and act as they do. A need to understand alternate perspectives and views. Or something like that.

As I've touched on a few time before, we are all greatly influenced and shaped by the environment we grew up in. Largely by our parents (or teachers) and also by the people and environment around us. I'm no exception to that. Who I was for the first 31 years of my life is pretty much the person that I was born and raised to be. Born to be, to a point anyway. That person and 'lifestyle' is still what I consider 'who I am' and my 'regular' lifestyle. Mind you, with that said, I've deviated quite a bit from that person and that lifestyle the past 14 years, and the experiences and new perspectives I have gained during that time has permanently changed me. For the better I'm thinking. I hope so at least.

I described that lifestyle at the very start of this blog. Professional, honest, driven, responsible, ambitious, educated, 'sane', and very sociably acceptable by what my upbringing considers 'regular society'. All those words could be used to describe who I was, and who I consider myself still to be. In the past 14 years I have often 'strayed' from that lifestyle tho. Sometimes partly, and sometimes arguably completely. At times anyway. More accurately though, its more like I've picked up 'alternate lifestyles' to live alongside my 'regular' lifestyle. Sort of lived many different lives at once. A 'normal' life, and a few 'alternate' lives. So-to-speak. When I put it that way, however, its not only been the past 14 years I've lived that way. More like its been pretty much my entire adult life I've lived that way. Actually, I pretty much started that around the age of 10. Its just in the past 14 years, those 'alternate' lifestyles have been more 'pronounced' lets say, and much more extremely 'different' from what I would consider my 'norm'.

It mostly started with my wife leaving and my job and life falling apart though. That's what I originally created this blog to document. How and why I started deviating from my 'original' path and where the course of that path took me. More importantly, I wanted to document how and what I learned from all of this and how it changed me and allowed my perspectives and myself to learn and grow. BUT as stated earlier, I do not write near enough so its taking far too long to document that and in fact I may never even get close to finishing (or even continuing) those writings. So, I'm writing this now to fill in some details about me/ my perspectives that I want to state, seeing I may never get around to explaining in 'chronological' order. So here goes.

I guess the first thing I should 'explain', because I've never put it in print before and do generally hide it (for good reason) is the fact that as an adult I have always had a terrible superiority complex over everyone besides those I've considered my 'peers'. (My peers being those persons who are A-level students/ professionals who are also outgoing and in decent shape.) My superiority complex is probably unwarranted, but I cannot help it. I am quite smart. I am a hard worker and always accomplish anything that I truly set my mind to. I started in poor shape as a child (due to ignorance and lower self-esteem), but due to self-education and determination was in athletic shape from the time I was 19 up until about 29 (when I decided that it just wasn't that important anymore). Since then I've been in average shape (but can get back in decent shape within a couple months whenever I decide to) and for my age have always been considered attractive to very attractive (depending on who's judging). Pretty much 'average attractive' now and in early adulthood, but from my late 20's to early 30's was praised by many as very attractive and was hit on a lot. Even now certain circles and pretty much a majority of people my age or older continue to tell me how attractive I am, regardless of the shape I keep myself in. (Mind you, a great number of people now do not find me attractive, especially if they are younger than me, but ah well. Lots still do.) AND I have always felt much more 'aware' than at least 95% of all the people I have met. I have met many people - mostly in university, that have been much smarter than me at many particular subjects, but almost every one of those persons were only very smart and/ or accomplished at one particular subject or skill set. For instance, I was an A-student at university mathematics and computer science, and there were PLENTY of students much smarter than me at those subjects, but almost none of those people had decent social skills or could get a date. Plus almost all of them were morons at psychology and self-understanding. Something I had already been a self-student on since I was 17 years old and had a great grasp of both 'self' and of cause-and-affect psychology. (For that matter, I was also an A-student at business and commerce.) On top of that, I was outgoing, loved conversations, exercised daily, was quite athletic, and always was able to get attractive and very intelligent girlfriends. With that said, there were MANY peers much more athletic and skilled than me, but almost all of them were sub-par students (if university-educated at all) and had average to sub-par jobs or careers. There are always exceptions of course. There were a number of people along the way that were as smart or smarter than me, that also were as or more charismatic than me, that also were in good shape or even athletic. Those are the people I truly admired and looked up to though. A number of them I became friends or associates with, and were included in my 'social circle'. I consider them my 'peers'.

When I get talking along these lines, there are SO MANY disclaimers that I have to put out there though. 'Superiority complex' is probably not the correct word or terminology to accurately describe how I feel. But, sometimes it is. Well, I suppose usually it is. Lol. I didn't always start out as 'super-confident' either, but I learned how to be due to my accomplishments and learned understanding, - particularly an understanding of 'self'. Actually I did 'start-out' as super confident with high self-esteem, but then experience some forms of progressive trauma that caused me to be less confident and greatly lowered my self-esteem. Then I recognized that and taught myself how to (mostly) reverse the process and bring myself back to very confident with even greater self-esteem. AND I don't mean that 'false-confidence' that so many people that started out insecure build. That they convince themselves that one or a few things are "what's important" and then proceed to get good at that or those things. Then 'think' they are better than everyone else because of it. That's not confidence or security. That's just more insecurity and inadequacy pretending to be 'confidence'. That's hiding behind a 'false crutch'. It doesn't lead to greater happiness or contentment or anything beneficial. That's just more denial. The confidence I built is from learning a deep understanding of  'self' and in understanding what motivates your views, actions, and reactions and why. Determining where they came from, - good and bad. Love/ happiness and trauma. Then reinforcing the parts in you that are 'you' and good and beneficial, and systematically reversing the negative aspects created from forms of trauma. Erasing the parts of your esteem that aren't really you (and are destructive to self). It's a life-long process to tell the truth. An exercise that everyone should labour towards though. Very beneficial. I think that is an important if not crucial thing for everyone to do, but I do know that hardly anybody does it. I may talk about this in more detail some other time.

Another disclaimer, is that as I've mentioned a number of times before is that we are all products of our environments and subsequently products of our perceptions. I am a smart person who thinks and analyzes constantly. I cannot stand being surrounded by people who are not capable of intelligent thought or conversation. Therefore, I think intelligence (along with social skills) is what makes a person most impressive and 'superior'. Granted, most of the world does not think that way. (Probably because they are not smart enough to. Lol.) So my attitude is already skewed. A great number of people out there think very differently than that. They think the people that like thought, intelligent conversation, culture, and learning alongside their social activities are boring and 'losers'. So already, the people that I feel are life's biggest losers think I am a 'loser'. So I guess we're even. It doesn't bother me though, I just know that they are too ignorant and stupid to know any better. Lol.

Okay, let's move on to other aspects of me. Right from a very early age, I'd started looking at things not only from my perspectives and views, but also tried to look at ideas or situations from the perspectives and viewpoints of others. Particularly if those viewpoints or perspectives opposed my own. I wanted to understand how and why people think as they do. I also questioned everything, including what I truly believed, and more importantly why I believed that. Where these beliefs actually originated from. Thinking this way did set me somewhat apart.

Most of the people around me, including my parents and family only think 'one way'. They have their beliefs and that is what is 'right' and they never question it or ask 'why' that is 'right' or why they even believe that or think that way. By the time I was 14 years old, I started more and more to deviate from what I'd been taught to believe. Its not that I though what I'd been taught was so much 'wrong', but rather I was beginning to understand that it wasn't the 'be-all-end-all' and that life isn't about 'right or wrong' and that many many perspectives were valid or had validity, even if they opposed or contradicted one another. That something can be gained, and lost, by each and every perspective or belief. That 'right and wrong' was in itself more the 'wrong answer'. I questioned things more and more and could continue to see the pros and cons in each view. Even the ones that opposed one another. The world wasn't comprised of right or wrong. It was more comprised of what was both gained and lost by each and every view. Each and every way of life. Each and every experience. No matter how different that view, or lifestyle, or experience was from the other. That the only thing that was 'wrong' was to limit yourself to only one view or one lifestyle. There was too much to be gained from embracing all of it, and too much to be lost by denying much of it. (To a point of course. Some paths, though educational to a point, if 'travelled to far' can lead to self-destruction and degradation and can be quite harmful. To travel these paths too far would be wrong. But even so, exploring these paths 'to a point' is not wrong. Not when there is something to be learned and therefore gained from it.)

Anyway. These views were not shared by the people around me, including my immediate family. That would be my parents and older brother. All they ever wanted me to do, was to believe in their views. Only their views. And to follow only their 'rules'. To live only the way that they live. They were trying to 'teach' me this to protect me. Then when I would show signs of 'deviation' from these views/ beliefs, they would try to force me to conform, - in order to protect me. They meant well. It was all based out of love for me and a perceived need to 'protect' me. They just couldn't see as I could see. They could not understand as I could understand. That I can believe in their views and beliefs, and believe those views, - that 'way', is the best and 'proper' way to live, but still deviate from it. At least for a time. At least long enough to learn what it is I needed to experience and learn from the other ways of viewing, of thinking, or living. I knew that in living the variety of views or lifestyles was the true path to understanding and learning. Growing. So I knew that is what I needed to do. How I needed to live. But they wouldn't let me. They didn't understand that you could believe one way, or belief, or path to be the 'most proper' (for lack of better words) and therefore, the one that you 'believe in' and will live, do live, yet still travel other paths for a while just to gain the experience, understanding, and growth from them. They were always so afraid that once I ventured down a different path then I would get 'stuck' there and not return to their 'right' path.

They were wrong. Their fear was always unfounded. But I did always understand that it stemmed from fear, love, ignorance, and a need to 'protect'. Everyone around me is always trying to 'protect' me because they are too ignorant to see as I can see. I cannot fault them for being ignorant, nor for loving me. To be loved  is the most important thing in a life, and there has never been any shortage of love in my life. So, rather than oppose them and fight them, I simply had to pretend to adhere to their wishes and their fears and to pretend to go along with how they act and live. But in private, - in secret, I would still go along my own path(s). Go along the way(s) that I knew was right (for me if not anyone else) and to explore these alternate beliefs, ways, and/ or lifestyles.

This is when and why I started living these 'alternate' lifestyles. And when and why I started hiding segments of my life from the other segments of my life. Having 'secret' lives so to speak. I've pretty much lived that way ever since. So yes, I have my lifestyle which I consider my 'actual' lifestyle, - but then I also have all these other lifestyles that I live in private. On my own time. I benefit a great deal from all the experiences of each.

I don't think I really understood this when I was younger. Not in this light anyway. I just went on living what I considered my 'real' lifestyle, and meanwhile in private started living 'alternate' lifestyles. Never really gave it any thought really. Just did it. I don't think I've ever given it too much thought. Certainly never thought it out or especially wrote it out before. Not in this context anyway.

Its a good precursor to why or maybe how I've lived the life I have these past 14 years though. And it is a good precursor to my time with Lee (Breda) and more recently (and briefly) with her sister. But I will get into that in the next few posts. Probably anyway. This is a good (or at least sufficient) stopping point though. So I think I will end this post here, and continue more along these thoughts in later posts.