Awareness (then a huge tangent of disclaimers)

I'll take a little time to describe how I feel my 'awareness' came from and perhaps along the way it will describe a little bit about what I consider 'aware' to even be.

What I touched on in my prior post is that I am naturally analytical and analyze everything. That's just part of the things I was born with. How I am. So, at a very early age, I started thinking about all the views and perspectives and beliefs around me and continually questioned everything. 'Why?' or 'How come?' were questions that were always in my thoughts. By the time I was about 10 years old, I started to internally question all the things I had been taught. About religion, about the concepts of 'proper' or 'right and wrong' and topics along those lines. I also started trying to look at things from the views and perspectives of others and to try and understand how and why everyone around me thought. Once again, how and why everyone thought the way that they did. Why the things that were 'right' or 'proper' were that way. Likewise, why the things that were 'wrong' or 'improper' were that way as well. Regardless of what I was 'taught', I would think hard on what I truly believed and form my opinions based on that. Its not that this was a conscious decision to be this way, nor was I aware of it. Once again, its just how I naturally am.

Questioning everything is one way to build awareness. I do believe. An even better way to build awareness is by being exposed to different viewpoints/ mindsets or opinions and even more so from being exposed to varying experiences.

As I talked about in my last post, having a differing mindset than my parents (especially mother) and older brother also enabled me to understand that people do think and feel differently, so at an early age it started opening my eyes to the differences in people and environments and how that affects or changes judgement or ideas. Once again, being a child/ teenager I was not conscious of this awareness but it was sinking in none-the-less. Don't get me wrong, as touched on in the last post, I did believe in what I was being taught by my parents and their/ my immediate environment (same  as everyone) and I still believe in that. Some of the basic 'truths' the I grew up with were in honesty, integrity, loyalty, hard work, determination, and in goodwill to family, friends, and anyone around you. That is still me. Your family, AND family 'name' was also very important to all of us. A sense of pride, and a name that had to be honoured and 'lived up to'. That is also still very important to me. Same as everyone in my not only immediate family, but in all of my relatives (and ancestors for that matter). That is me. That is us. BUT because I had a tendency to look at a 'bigger picture' (shall we say) at even quite a young age, and to look at things not only thru how me and my family viewed it, but also how a variety of others believed and viewed things it made my perspectives, understanding, and outlook a little bit different than my family (who were my initial teachers). This in itself gave me a basis of 'awareness' that there is not only one way to look at and consider situations, beliefs, or events. Rather there are many ways. I believe that this gave me the initial basis of awareness at an early age. Then the fact that this perspective made me think differently and at many times had me disagree with how my parents and brother thought, it also furthered my capability to question what I'd been 'taught' and as a result to see things differently. More openly. Made me more aware.

Another thing that would be useful to note is that not only is the age difference between me and my parents greater than usual, - my Dad was 40 and mother was 35 years old when they had me, but also they were the youngest of five and four siblings respectively so my entire family (save my older brother) were all much older than me. By the time I was born, my parents were two generations older than me, my cousins were 9 to 22 years older than me, my aunts and uncles were 40 to 55 years older than me, and my grandparents (if still alive) were 75 to 85 years older than me. This also set me apart from the rest of my family, who of course were my initial teachers and role models. This I do believe also contributed to me thinking or perceiving a little bit 'beyond' how I was taught to believe, and made me more let's say, 'open minded'. On top of that, it also meant that ever since I was born most of the people I spent time with and socialized with (outside of school and sports that is) were quite a bit older than me. In comparison, my cousins were around the same age as most people's aunts or uncles. My parents and aunts and uncles were often the same age as other persons grandparents. It even gave me a different 'perspective' about death even. Because my family is all so much older than me, I have been watching mine and my family's loved ones die (of old age) ever since I was born. I am just as familiar and comfortable with death as I am with life. I feel no ill towards death. It just seems very natural to me. That also gives me somewhat of a different perspective than most people have. I believe it also contributes to a 'heightened' awareness.

These age differences between me and my family also contribute to me having different perspectives than my parents and family (initial teachers) and also contribute to me being able to not only at an early age look beyond what I've been taught, but also to start forming 'alternate' lives. I was too young to not have a teacher/ student relationship with my parents and family, so couldn't openly state my differences or disagreements with how they showed/ taught me to believe and behave, but at the same time had to follow what I did truly believe. Rather than oppose them, I just adopted both or multiple views and multiple ways of thinking/ living. That was the basis at an early age of my desire and need to live multiple lives or perspectives at the same time. Perhaps anyway.

Similar with my peers at school or sports. My familiarity with spending a lot of time with many people older than me, mixed with my multiple ways of viewing situations or ideas led me to think differently that most of the people my own age and led me to concealing parts of my perspectives, thoughts, and beliefs. I have always been a very social creature and made friends very easily at school with the kids my own age, and didn't want to be different than they were, so I acted as they acted, and conversed only as they did. Meanwhile I had much more perspective and thought going on in my mind. I kept that all to myself. I sort of felt like they hadn't caught up to me yet. So even in my own mind, I had different worlds where I simultaneously lived. All my life I have often or always concealed parts of my thoughts and perspectives as well as outwardly (not truly though) adapted the thoughts, actions, and perspectives of those around me so that I can enjoy myself during the time that I spend with them. It wasn't until I got to university and started spending time with other like-minded people that I could actually open up and talk freely about what I truly thought and believed. Before that, it didn't seem to me that anyone around me would be able to understand me. Correct or not, I guess I felt like they still needed to catch up to how I thought. I guess I still feel that way about most (not all) of the people in many (not all) of the circles I spend time with, as I have always mixed with a large variety of people from various ages, backgrounds, and environments.

Let me take another sidebar for a moment to once again add a disclaimer related to my prior post. Anyone that I felt could think, comprehend, and converse at a 'varied' level, I considered an equal and a peer. Ability to think, comprehend, and convey thoughts is what is most important to me. Intelligence. As well, those intelligent people that also were sociable and could easily interact in public were the ones I liked, admired, and wanted to spend time with. Discipline was also a very admirable quality to me. That's why I loved university so much. I especially liked the people who were in a more professional or directed course of study such as the maths or sciences, commerce, engineering, or any Masters or Ph.D level programs. Even better if they kept active and physically fit or at least in decent shape. To tell the truth, I can get along with and 'like' anyone (provided they are not too obnoxious or rude) but the ones I really liked and admired were the ones who were intelligent, especially if they were also aware, sociable, and disciplined (or 'directed' is a good word too). The rest I felt still had to 'catch up' and also felt many if not most of the 'others' weren't smart enough to ever 'catch up'. Another disclaimer though, is that as the years have gone by, and I've gotten older, more aware, and more mature and also spent more and more time with a great variety of people I do realize that my views were skewed and yes, - wrong. I doubt that anyone (provided they do respect the people around them) are better or superior than anyone else. I know that I am contradicting myself btw. But the more variety of people I get to truly know and the more mature I get, the more I realize that everyone is wonderful, and powerful, and beautiful all in their own way. And that we are all affected good and/ or bad from the circumstances, situations and traumas that we are subjected to and live. I do grow. I do learn. Continuously. That growth and learning curve is one of the things that I want to convey in my writings. Natural growth that comes from learning and experience. However, seeing I am on the topic, I will touch on what I was saying a little further (and continue to sidebar from the initial topic of my post).

Like I was saying, pretty much everyone that I find to be of 'adequate' intelligence I respected and considered to be my 'peers'. 'Equals' lets say. I've always used my perceptions of the concept of  'intelligent'. Basically, anyone that could think in a manner that I consider intelligent and convey those thoughts in conversation. Also it was always important to me that people think and convey thoughts in an objective and 'open-minded' manner. So they can consider other perspectives and ideas regardless of whether they fully agreed with those thoughts, perspectives, or ideas. I use university as an example a lot because that is where I met the most intelligent and open-minded people in my life. In reality, I don't care if someone has a university education or not (per se), - what I do care about is if they can have intelligent open-minded thoughts, and convey them in conversation or discussion. Most of the people I have met outside of university, - even most of the people I have met in the work-force I have considered to be either rather close-minded, one-minded, simple-minded, ignorant, unobjectionable, or just plain stupid. They seemed that way to me anyway. Mind you, that was more a reflection of the project teams that I had a tendency to get mixed with. Most of them were ten to twenty years older than me, and obviously were hired long before actual 'skill-level' was the primary hiring consideration. I was often brought in to handle a lot of the workload that they couldn't do, so had a tendency to work around a number of people that I often consider 'inadequate'. Often anyway. Then in the past 14 years, its been even worse because I meet a lot of the people I have talked to or associated with at pubs or bars. Even the coworkers I considered unintelligent were light years ahead of the 'bar crowd' in regards to open-thought, or just plain ability for thought. Its even worse since I've moved back to Canada because I've so far given up my professional career, so most of my coworkers are even less intelligent, less skilled, and have less integrity than the professional coworkers I used to have. So, when I do talk of 'intelligent people' I do have a tendency to refer back to university or university references. A bit of prejudice on my part I suppose. Ah well.

Mind you, the main reason that I have been hanging out at bars and pubs the past 14 years is mostly because it is different lifestyles and different perspectives than my peers at home and/ or at work. My professional work back then anyway. Keep in mind that most of the people I knew as friends, coworkers, or family were all 'professional' people with professional jobs, and 'married' lifestyles. They didn't associate with people unlike themselves, and didn't go to bars or pubs. They had family lives. Honesty and integrity are mainstays, and to lie or cheat or steal or deceive would be to lower yourself to a substandard level and would make you a much lesser human being (I still believe in that btw.)The women are not promiscuous and generally will only have sex with their steady partners (if even that) and everyone lives 'proper' and 'respectable' lifestyles. Pretty staid. Once again, that was pretty much the way I was raised, and always has been and continues to be what I consider my 'actual' lifestyle, regardless of which lifestyles I have been 'visiting' the past bunch of years. With that in mind, a number of the people that I have been associating with in the past bunch of years that spend all their social time in bars/ pubs, or drinking, or doing drugs I've always considered to be more-or-less 'losers', or at least living a 'loser lifestyle'. With that said, I have often wanted to 'escape' reality for a spell, and also experience different lifestyles of perspectives and have gladly joined that lifestyle. BUT all the while, my attitude is that I'm hanging with the 'losers' and living their 'loser lifestyle'. Then, when I'm ready to 'go back' to my regular lifestyle, I simply walk away from it and 'go home'. There is a great freedom in the fact that you do not care about what the people around you think, or what they think of you for that matter. That way you can do anything you want, and be anyone you want for as long as you feel like it and it will not affect your 'real world' because nobody from that world will ever know about it, or ever know or even associate with anyone from this 'loser' lifestyle that I have been playing in. I have always considered it my 'playground'. Once you're immersed, it does get much more 'complex' than that though. Especially once you start getting to know and forming friendships (or perhaps 'forms' of friendships) with a number of them (generally the 'higher-class' of the people in this lifestyle, but still living a 'loser' lifestyle none-the-less). When you start making friends with some of them, and start spending time with each other more in our 'own' worlds rather than just at the bar things do change somewhat. Somewhat. Not all though. Regardless, this is my 'attitude' from the start when I do join 'this world' and live the pub/ bar lifestyle. I consider them losers. I consider myself acting out, or 'playing' the loser lifestyle, and enjoying the freedom of it. But, admittedly, I've always considered myself and/ or my 'actual' lifestyle to be much 'superior' to them. Right or wrong, that is how I started out feeling about it, and for the most part still feel that way. Just saying.

More disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer. One again, this is how I used to feel about things. BUT for the most part, still feel this way. Partly anyway. Maybe mostly still. It's hard to say. It is partly how I was raised. To believe that one particular way of living and/ or thinking is 'right' and 'proper' and the rest just "doesn't measure up" the same way. Is an 'improper' way of living/ thinking/ being. I've spent most of my life questioning that mentality and a great portion of my life living experiences outside of what I was taught to be 'acceptable' in an effort to not only understand alternate thinking or alternate lifestyles but also to experience them for the 'awareness' and perspectives that one gains from them. In living alternate ways of thinking or doing things (living), my perspectives have changed - have grown. So yes, I say it's a 'loser' lifestyle, but that's probably not quite exactly how I feel about it. Probably not quite the best way to describe it. But its not entirely inaccurate about how I think of it either. It's really difficult to say. In living different lifestyles, and even more importantly in getting to know and even becoming friends with a number of people that do think and live differently than how I have been raised has made me understand better, - made me much more aware and has changed my perspectives. The whole point of the 'exercise' to begin with I suppose. I also contradict myself by saying that I do not agree with how I was raised to believe that one way is 'right', and all else is 'wrong', then go ahead and calling all other lifestyles 'loser' lifestyles. It is a little difficult to explain. Difficult to even fully understand I suppose. I don't consider all these people 'losers'. Some perhaps.  Before I experienced different ways of living and thinking I suppose I mostly did consider these people 'losers' or at least as I've said, at least considered them living a 'loser' lifestyle. Upbringing mostly, - I suppose. I am somewhat haughty towards the perspectives I was raised with. That is true. Still even now. Whatever. But I will say that with different experiences, and especially with knowing people with different perspectives, my own viewpoints have changed. Have grown. So I guess it is all still formulating. Still in a state of flux. I guess I just don't fully know. Sort of. Or something like that. I guess I'll just have to keep living and continue to figure out exactly what it is I do truly believe. What it is I'm even trying to say. We'll think and talk more and more and more about this as I learn and grow and live. For now, we'll leave it at that.

Okay, back to the original topic. Actually, this diarrhea of thought has gone off on such a jumbled tangent of disclaimers that I think I will end this post here and pick up the next post with a continuation of the original topic/ thought on 'awareness'. Next time then!  :)