The 'Right' Path? (with additional sidebars and disclaimers)

Okay, seeing I've sort of gotten on this topic, I guess I will continue to go on a tangent and add a bit more background detail before continuing with my prior stories/ perspectives/ thoughts. I want to talk a bit more about what I mean when I use the term 'loser' and add some more about my evolution of perspectives.

Let's look at how I was originally raised to believe by my immediate family. I was raised to believe that the number one priority in the world (aside from love of family) is to build a solid financial foundation for yourself. Everyone outside of a marriage has to get a paying job (not necessarily a great paying job or super responsible one, but a paying job none-the-less), and then proceed to save money week after week and build a 'cushion' of wealth for yourself. In a marriage or family, at least one person has to be doing that so that the whole family has that financial cushion or comfort. That's priority one. Security. Financial security.

Mind you, one thing to also understand is that my Dad was the youngest of 6 brothers and he was born in 1930. His oldest brother was born in 1914. Mom was the youngest of 5 siblings, and was born in 1935. So, they did see hardship. They lived thru the Great Depression as well as World War II. Dad's oldest brother was even alive during the First World War. That would tend to leave a psychological imprint on the importance of money, stability and comfort. I suppose that is one little sidebar to consider.

Of course its also very important to love your family and show tremendous love, loyalty, and support towards them. That is very good. In fact, its all wonderful, and very secure, and also very practical. 'Practical' being a very key word to describe my upbringing. The one thing that a large number of my family members (immediate and extended family alike) don't show a lot of priority or emphasis on is in passion or passionate love, or even displays of passion or even displays of intimacy. To my family, everything is practical. We have tremendous love for one another, but its all a 'family' love. No passion. Passion for the most part is frowned upon. I guess its just not practical enough.

A number of my family members, not only the older ones like my parents, aunts and uncles, but also a large number of my cousins stopped showing physical affection to one another years and years and years ago. For the most part, most passion, including even kissing your spouse pretty much ended (entirely) around the age of 40ish. After that, its simply raising a family (if you have one), building a home, and building a solid financial foundation. Once again, lots of love amongst spouses and family, and emotional affection (though rarely displayed, especially in public), but very little if any physical affection (beyond hugging and holding that is - actually, even that is often rare). Not even kissing. Its not important. Love, - yes. Passion and intimacy, - no. Passion is not frowned upon so long as its not visible, and so long that it doesn't get in the way of the practical business of securing a comfortable financial future. But its not regarded as having any importance to the 'family structure'.

So, the way I was raised by my immediate family is to make sure you are always living comfortably but usually rather frugally, and always building and saving money. If you are not doing that, you are wasting your life, and living like a 'loser'. In other words, if you are not building a cushion of money, then you are a 'loser'. Other 'losers' can live that way. But we certainly cannot. Not only that though. Emphasis is also on building a secure and solid 'life' and/ or family structure. That's by also living productively (not destructively). Being a 'good' and honest person, being hard-working (relates to the money topic), showing support and goodwill to those around you, and also maintaining a proper 'image'. ie. Not doing things like being obnoxious, not being drunk in public, not doing drugs of any kind, not being aggressive or loud or rude, and never fighting. Generally, being a 'good' person and NEVER deviating from this structure. Ever. Even things like not going to bed at night, or not getting up in the morning are scrutinized. Stupid things like that even when they have no relevance to your life or schedule. Its just what the 'good' people do.

Though I have rebelled against many of these staid and rigid beliefs that I have been raised with, this upbringing with the emphasis on saving money and building a comfortable financial cushion does have significant impact on my own perceptions. (I've always been the 'black sheep' when it comes to passion, intimacy and sex though. That is an important priority to me. Not the only priority, but a significant one. Just saying.) So, when I am expressing that a person is a 'loser', I'm often referring to their 'lifestyle' not necessarily them per se. Often I'm also more referring to the fact they have no money and are not taking steps to build more money. Or just living a destructive or obnoxious, or dishonest lifestyle is also someone I would generally call a loser. Money or not. Because, from my upbringing, that's what a 'loser' is. Mind you, because I've grown up with the perception and the word itself of 'loser' (mostly by my older brother. He's extremely judgemental, and sadly enough, usually wrong) it is a word common in my vocabulary, and has a great multitude of meanings. There is somewhat of a grey area when I talk about 'loser' and 'loser lifestyle'. Often I do not think a person is a loser per se, but rather that they are currently living a loser lifestyle. So, are being a loser. Or I'm really referring to only certain aspects of them, and not the person as a whole. It's a fine line. I grew up with a pretty inflexible and quite judgmental upbringing (more so from my brother and mother, but also from much of my other family.) Regardless of how much I grow and learn from my own experiences, which makes me more and more flexible and open-minded, I still am quite judgemental. In fact, I have a very heavy emphasis on levels of ignorance and social skills or adaptability that is often more judgemental than my family. But that's me. It is just part of my upbringing. BUT I am more flexible than most of my family. Many or most of them just think a person that doesn't conform to their standard of 'normal' is pretty much a loser. Once again my brother (and also late mother) were some of the worst for that.

I also have spent a great deal of time throughout the past 27 years focussing on, observing, and studying 'self' and of cause-and-affect psychology particularly when it comes to trauma that also makes me analyze where a person's particular character traits originate from. I know that hardly anybody considers this when they are expressing their behavior/ reacting to stimuli so I often consider a person's ignorance factor towards self, and can be a little more forgiving or certain behavior if I feel the trauma that is causing it is significant or deep enough. But then again, I also frown upon ignorance, - especially self-ignorance, so there is a fine line in regards to my tolerance to trauma-prompted behavioral traits as well. It depends. Haven't fully determined what it ALL depends on though. Ah well.

My family's views are, and probably always will be, very staid and rigid when it comes to 'how' to 'judge' a person. ie. The criteria of what makes a person a 'good' person, a 'respectable' person, or a 'loser'. My views/ perceptions on the subject is always in a state-of-flux. I continue to experience new things, learn the lives and perspectives of a varying group of people, - even continue to befriend a varying group of people. What I'm also continuing to learn/ teach myself is how not to 'judge' at all. I am much less judgemental than I used to be, and my acceptance level of all the different perspectives and lifestyles of all the different people I spend time with continues to grow and evolve. The more time I spend NOT with family also is a great aid to this, for they are even more judgemental towards me than they are to anyone else 'out there'. When I spend time with them (because I do love them and do cherish the strength and beauty that I gain from their love), they are constantly trying to stop me from learning and growing, and are constantly trying to stop me from associating with (in their beliefs) the 'wrong type' of person (ie. the losers), and are constantly trying to get me to conform to the views that I was raised to believe. To their rigid and judgemental views. They judge and fear any view or lifestyle that is not their own. Even more so, they are worried and terrified that I have 'lost my way' and am becoming or have become 'a loser'. Once again, they don't understand, as I do, that you don't have to pick only one perspective, or view, or lifestyle (one 'way' to be) and stick with it. Rather you can decide to live many or even all (or most) of the different lifestyles and have a varying degree of perspectives or understandings and still not 'lose your way' and still be a 'decent' and responsible person. The path to 'truth' is probably to learn how to not judge at all. To just 'be', and to allow others to just be as well.

With that said, I will never be as rigid in my beliefs than the rest of my family, or as the environment that I was raised in, but I will never be entirely without judgement. I don't know if I'd want to be. Time will tell I suppose. I do believe that everyone has the right to do whatever they want, and live how ever they want, so long as their words, thoughts or actions do not infringe upon those same rights of anyone else. BUT, I also do believe that there is a 'better' or even 'best' way to live. A better or best lifestyle. One that creates happiness and contentment and self-healing, and is productive to self and even to society in general. However, a person must be free to find or choose or live their own 'path' towards that state of being. Or to whatever state of being they choose to move towards. If their path is too destructive, or too 'lost' and they never find their way, then so be it. Their path is still their own choice to make.

I guess the bottom line, beyond anything else I have written in my past few posts is that I think that everyone should find or choose their own path towards what they consider a 'successful' life. We have the right to define our own definition for 'success'. I personally believe that a successful life, is one where you have found happiness, and contentment, and are free of your pain and past trauma. You are just happy. If you have found that, then more power to you. You have been very very successful. It doesn't matter what path you took to get there. The thing that matters is that you are there. Congratulations. Very very few people ever have or ever will achieve that. I know that I'm not there yet. But I continue to work towards it. Or at least continue to try to work towards it. AND I am finding and choosing my own path to get there. Everyone else, including myself should just step aside and allows others to do the same. So there! Ahmen. 

:)