Well, one of the 'draws' of hanging out in the North Hood were the fact that the girls were for the most part loose and easy. Most of them were crack and/ or cocaine users as well and if you wanted cheap and easy sex from an attractive young women, pretty much all you had to do was be along for the party and be willing to share a line or a 'hit' of the white. Sometimes it didn't even take that. Sometimes just being there was enough. But it usually was about the 'white'.
That first month I was single and hanging with Bill, I really didn't care about being 'ethical' or even being 'myself' for that matter. The North Hood was perfect for that mentality. I hadn't been single or dating (besides my wife of course) in over nine years. Of course I wanted to have s_x, but wasn't ready for an actual relationship, not with anyone 'real' anyway. I just wanted to party and have some wild fun with people who didn't care who I was or what was going to happen 'tomorrow'. Once again, the North Hood was perfect.
Seeing I was young looking and in decent shape, not to mention a social guy who could 'blend' into a situation or environment, there was opportunity to bang some hood girls and I (or we) took them. I won't relate all of it, but I will talk about a few of the more unusual times.
One good looking girl around our age that we met in our travels decided to come home with us after hours and go hottubbing. I believe she was a stripper. Actually, most decent looking hood girls are or at least were at one point strippers. We got back to my place, I cracked some beers, we stripped off our clothes and got in the hottub. Things were going good. We were both making out with her, but I think she reached her alcohol limit or something. While she was talking she kept dipping her beer bottle under the water. I told her to be carefull and she laughed and then dumped her beer in the tub intentionally. Well that was enough of the hottubbing and we went upstairs to the bedroom but she was getting all weird and loud and I think started reverting back to unpleasant memories from her past. She started yelling something about being raped and we weren't even having s_x yet. Enough of that! We said "You've gotsta go!" She had her own car so all we had to do was point her to it. I don't have any clue how she was able to drive, but she couldn't stay at my place. Not acting like that. So no hood girl s_x that particular night. Oh well. Bill was saying, "We should have raped that bitch then dropped her off somewhere! She's so drunk that she wouldn't have any memory of it or who or where we were anyway." Probably true, but I definitely wasn't going to go there. Better off just getting her out of our hair!
There was this other chick that we met at a party that we were meeting Dave at. I think we went there to buy more 'stuff' that we can resell to Jeff and Jack. Anyway, Dave invited us to stay at the party for a while so we did. We got talking to this one chick who also knew Dave and she decided that she wanted to come home with us. I figure she though we were going to smoke a whole pile of crack, but we only had about $30 worth. (That was for consumption anyway.) We did smoke that, and when that was done we had s_x all night long. Me and Bill didn`t mind sharing. There was plenty to go around and we could stay away from each other. I took the high road, and he took the low road. Then we switched. The thing about doing just a little bit of crack (or cocaine for that matter) before having sex is that you can still get a normal erection and it feels just as good as always, but you just don`t orgasm. Or at least you can go FOREVER without an orgasm. It`s totally different if you do more than just a little bit, because then you cannot get or maintain an erection if you do too much of the white. Anyway, we f#cked her for hours. She was loving it. At the end, we were laying on top my bed and I still had an erection because I never did orgasm. She looked at me and said, "I know what to do about that!" Then she started sucking me like a professional. It took her at least a half an hour to finish the job. Bill was grabbing her head and pushing it into me. She would just say, "Hey, I don't need help. I know what I'm doing!" And she did. Fun stuff.
We finished up around 7:00a, and it was a weekday so I had to go to work. I called in to the office and told them that I would be about an hour or two late. Then I got showered up and dropped them off near Bill's house on my way to work. One more day.
We called this chick "Scooby" because she referred to crack hits as "Scooby snacks". She called me up about a week or so later on a Saturday morning. Bill of course slept the night on the couch. It was maybe 8:30a and we were still sleeping. But she was telling me that she had some new s_x toys and wanted to know if she should come over. I said, "Sure, come on by." I was in bed anyway. Morning s_x sounded fine to me. I imagine that we would be expected to do a 'hit' first. But oh well. We did have some stashed away. She never did show up though. We eventually got up and were making dinner/ breakfast and she showed up around 1:00p. A little late. Morning was over and we were ready to start our day. By that point we were kinda' pissed off to see her as she was supposed to show up hours earlier. So we told her that she was too late and we didn't have any more 'stuff'. She pulled out some of her s_x toys and asked us if we were sure, but we said yes. You should leave. Then the dumb bitch gets her van stuck in the ditch while pulling out of my driveway. It took me and Bill over an hour to get her van out so she could be on her way. We did have some stuff still, so we went inside. Did a hit. Chilled for a while. Then went on our way looking for the next adventure. One more day. That was the last we heard of Scooby though.
There was this other stripper slut that we met along our way one time. She told us she wanted to do a hit of crack, and we told her that we'd give her a hit if she'd f#ck both of us. She agreed. We took her to my place. Up in my room we stripped down and started playing with her lovely little body. True to our word, we loaded up a hit for her. We each did one. That's the magic number if you plan on having s_x right away. Then we layed on my bed, me and Bill on either side of her. I guess the hit was sinking in for her, and she started moaning and rubbing herself quite vigorously. I said, "What the f#ck?" I just leaned back and watched her. She didn't even know we were still there. She just closed her eyes and was getting herself off. I said, "This is too weird, Bill. She's all yours." Then I got up and went downstairs. A few minutes later Bill came down stairs too saying, "She's up there all alone playing with herself. Dumb bitch!" She came downstairs a little while later and actually asked us if we could go get more crack! We said, "No, and yous gotsta Go!" So we dropped her off back in the neighborhood we found her.
Hood girls. They are a trip! So long as you kow how to talk to them anyway.
There was a few other hood girls that we did on our own - no sharing, and it was fun and all good 'for a minute' but after a few weeks of that it grew old. We wanted to move on to 'real' girls, and to leave the hood behind. Bill suggested we try a different bar closer to my part of town. It was called the VIP. So that's where we went...
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Hood Life
Around that first month that I was hanging out with Bill. I mean going out every night. We went to a lot of places and a lot of bars but we also spent a lot of time hanging out in the North Hood. After all, that is where Bill had grown up and where all his friend's lived. We would also drop by various 'friends' of his after the bars were closed so we could have a few more drinks before calling it a night.
This exposed me to a lot of people, places, and lifestyles that I would have otherwise never known. I won't relay all of the times with you, but I will write about some of it.
Most of Bill's 'friends' or acquaintances is more like the term, or pretty much anyone that grew up in those neighbourhoods were functional crack and/ or cocaine users. It was just as much a part of their lifestyles as beer was. When I say 'functional' crack/ cocaine users I mean that they all use as part of their lifestyles, but it hasn't affected their lives much more than alcohol has. They live their normal lives, have their careers (at least most of them work anyway), don't look sickly or like 'crack heads', and pretty much are normal people. They don't sit around and use crack all day. They use it just as people use beer or alcohol or weed for that matter. Mind you, this drug starts getting to anyone over continued use. Functional users can remain that way for years even, but usually eventually become addicts or crack heads if they don't quit using over time. Once again, I'm not promoting the drug. It catches up to anyone and starts impacting their lives more and more if they keep using it. Many people cannot be function users either. They become addicts or crack heads pretty much as soon as they start using it. But that is dependent upon the person too. I will say this as well, it is a drug that can creeps up on you too. Even the functional users will crave it more and more and will be willing to do more and more to get it as time that they've been a user goes on. It is a very addictive drug.
Me and Bill were occassional users at this point as well. But we didn't use it while we were out. If we used, we generally bought a little bit at the end of the night and smoked it at my place after hours while talking or watching TV. This didn't last long though as it turns out that Bill used to be much more of a heavy user, and once we started using occassionally he got much more into wanting to use it more. I talked something about that in a prior post.
Anyway, hanging out with Bill in his neighborhood did expose me to a lot of users and their lifestyle. There was one time me and Bill were drinking in his neighborhood (at Dreamer's Lounge) and after hours dropped by a friends house for a couple more drinks. They didn't have any crack at the time, but this was a crack house. Let me describe it to you. First of all, we got there at around 3:00 am. They had a son, who was about five years old. He was in the front yard sitting on his tricycle when we got there. Bill talked to him and asked if his dad was home, and he replied that he was in the house. So we knocked on the door and went in. He cracked us a beer and we sat around talking while we drank the beer. Let me describe the house. It was a small house. Two bedrooms I suppose, but I only saw the kitchen, living room, and bathroom. The furniture was old but functional and there was no carpet. On the kitchen couters and living room coffee table were plates of half eaten food that were just left sitting out. You could see baby cockroaches occassionally running around these plates of food. At one point, I asked to use the bathroom. Running around the toilet were more baby cockroaches. This is the environment that these people were raising their children in. It was quite eye opening.
This also reminds me of the 'three sisters'. I was out with Bill one evening and we were going to pick up a friend of his and go to a party. His friend lived with the three sisters. The sisters were middle men crack addicts. That means that they knew a local crack dealer. I think it was a relative in fact. Most dealers will only deal to people they know. So, when people wanted crack they would go the the sisters house with their money. The sisters would call their dealer and arrange a meeting. Then the sisters would buy the stuff, take their own cut out of it, and sell it to the buyer. Then the sisters would dissapear into their room and use their share. The sisters house looked just like the other house, but even worse. It was bigger. There were PILES of dirty dishes, pots, and pans all over the entire surface area of the kitchen. I mean piles over all the counter tops, and all over the kitchen table as well as on the coffee table in the living room. At least I don't recall seeing any cockroaches while I was there. But that doesn't mean they didn't have them as well. At least there was no children being raised in this environment.
These are a few of the more extreme places that I visited with Bill though. Most of the places we went to were nice well kept houses, that looked like anyone's home.
One place we dropped into which was on the same street as Bill's house was owned by some guys from backwoods Kentucky. They were hillbillies. The house was clean, but cluttered with papers and stuff. Nothing too out of the ordinary. But what was funny about them is that they were completely open about crack smoking. They would sit in their kitchen, or even on their front porch and smoke crack like it wasn't any different than a cigarette. We had a beer with them, and one of them was sitting at the table doing a hit while we talked to him. That's pretty unusual for crack use. But if you keep to small hits you won't get all weirded out when you use it.
Anyway, it was interesting to see, but pretty sad in reality. Me and Bill hung around his neighborhood for a few weeks, but after the novelty wore off I stopped spending time around there except to visit a few of the bars. It`s not a lifestyle for me except to maybe visit once in a while for the novelty.
This exposed me to a lot of people, places, and lifestyles that I would have otherwise never known. I won't relay all of the times with you, but I will write about some of it.
Most of Bill's 'friends' or acquaintances is more like the term, or pretty much anyone that grew up in those neighbourhoods were functional crack and/ or cocaine users. It was just as much a part of their lifestyles as beer was. When I say 'functional' crack/ cocaine users I mean that they all use as part of their lifestyles, but it hasn't affected their lives much more than alcohol has. They live their normal lives, have their careers (at least most of them work anyway), don't look sickly or like 'crack heads', and pretty much are normal people. They don't sit around and use crack all day. They use it just as people use beer or alcohol or weed for that matter. Mind you, this drug starts getting to anyone over continued use. Functional users can remain that way for years even, but usually eventually become addicts or crack heads if they don't quit using over time. Once again, I'm not promoting the drug. It catches up to anyone and starts impacting their lives more and more if they keep using it. Many people cannot be function users either. They become addicts or crack heads pretty much as soon as they start using it. But that is dependent upon the person too. I will say this as well, it is a drug that can creeps up on you too. Even the functional users will crave it more and more and will be willing to do more and more to get it as time that they've been a user goes on. It is a very addictive drug.
Me and Bill were occassional users at this point as well. But we didn't use it while we were out. If we used, we generally bought a little bit at the end of the night and smoked it at my place after hours while talking or watching TV. This didn't last long though as it turns out that Bill used to be much more of a heavy user, and once we started using occassionally he got much more into wanting to use it more. I talked something about that in a prior post.
Anyway, hanging out with Bill in his neighborhood did expose me to a lot of users and their lifestyle. There was one time me and Bill were drinking in his neighborhood (at Dreamer's Lounge) and after hours dropped by a friends house for a couple more drinks. They didn't have any crack at the time, but this was a crack house. Let me describe it to you. First of all, we got there at around 3:00 am. They had a son, who was about five years old. He was in the front yard sitting on his tricycle when we got there. Bill talked to him and asked if his dad was home, and he replied that he was in the house. So we knocked on the door and went in. He cracked us a beer and we sat around talking while we drank the beer. Let me describe the house. It was a small house. Two bedrooms I suppose, but I only saw the kitchen, living room, and bathroom. The furniture was old but functional and there was no carpet. On the kitchen couters and living room coffee table were plates of half eaten food that were just left sitting out. You could see baby cockroaches occassionally running around these plates of food. At one point, I asked to use the bathroom. Running around the toilet were more baby cockroaches. This is the environment that these people were raising their children in. It was quite eye opening.
This also reminds me of the 'three sisters'. I was out with Bill one evening and we were going to pick up a friend of his and go to a party. His friend lived with the three sisters. The sisters were middle men crack addicts. That means that they knew a local crack dealer. I think it was a relative in fact. Most dealers will only deal to people they know. So, when people wanted crack they would go the the sisters house with their money. The sisters would call their dealer and arrange a meeting. Then the sisters would buy the stuff, take their own cut out of it, and sell it to the buyer. Then the sisters would dissapear into their room and use their share. The sisters house looked just like the other house, but even worse. It was bigger. There were PILES of dirty dishes, pots, and pans all over the entire surface area of the kitchen. I mean piles over all the counter tops, and all over the kitchen table as well as on the coffee table in the living room. At least I don't recall seeing any cockroaches while I was there. But that doesn't mean they didn't have them as well. At least there was no children being raised in this environment.
These are a few of the more extreme places that I visited with Bill though. Most of the places we went to were nice well kept houses, that looked like anyone's home.
One place we dropped into which was on the same street as Bill's house was owned by some guys from backwoods Kentucky. They were hillbillies. The house was clean, but cluttered with papers and stuff. Nothing too out of the ordinary. But what was funny about them is that they were completely open about crack smoking. They would sit in their kitchen, or even on their front porch and smoke crack like it wasn't any different than a cigarette. We had a beer with them, and one of them was sitting at the table doing a hit while we talked to him. That's pretty unusual for crack use. But if you keep to small hits you won't get all weirded out when you use it.
Anyway, it was interesting to see, but pretty sad in reality. Me and Bill hung around his neighborhood for a few weeks, but after the novelty wore off I stopped spending time around there except to visit a few of the bars. It`s not a lifestyle for me except to maybe visit once in a while for the novelty.
Disclaimer
Once again, I want to iterate that though these stories are all about me and a bunch of 'crazies' and that I am getting more and more introduced to society's losers and to the crack/ cocaine drug culture that was never part of my life before this. I didn't consider it part of my life at that point either but I was always curious about the lifestyle and that was part of the 'draw' with hanging out with Bill and his 'hood crowd'. I wanted to 'understand' how people that live this way think. It's also mostly that I didn't want to think. I couldn't think. I still had WAY too much pain inside from my failed marriage and my heart was still way too hurt and 'flailing' to be able to feel the pain that I was feeling.
My world had always been about success and living a proper lifestyle. For the first ten years of my adult life my focus was entirely about studying and learning, career success, building a loving relationship with my wife, building a financially secure future, and continually improving my mind, body, and spirit. That was the life that I had always lived, and that is the life I assumed I would always live. That is still what I consider my 'real' life.
I was still in complete shock from my marriage failing and Alison leaving. I was in too much pain and too much shock to be able to deal with it yet. So I needed a diversion so that I wouldn't have to think about it. Work and building my career was my main focus. But that was also falling apart for the first time ever. After the first two or three weeks of hanging out with Bill, I was ready to focus more on career again. But my project was hell, and I needed an escape from that as well. Which is why I was going out and drinking so much.
Then I got out of that project and was placed on the team to write the proposal for the next retirements systems project. Once I was starting that, I started going home at 11:00p on week nights so that I could be fresh for work and produce a quality job. But after four weeks of writing and completing the proposal the client delayed the project an additional six months. So then I was placed 'on the bench' which means I was unattached to a project. Which means you didn't go to a client site, you instead reported to the office and worked on whatever small side projects they had or else you studied. But it was the Christmas season and no new projects were starting until the new year. So the bench was full of people that had just finished up projects. So after a week of being at the office, they told me that they didn't have desks for us on the bench, so could stay at home and study. I was studying to take the PMI (Project Management Institute) exam. But it also meant that I didn't have to be up in the morning. So I was able to stay out all night again. I would generally get up around 10:00a and study for my exam for about four or five hours. Then call Bill around 5:00p and go out. I had just started doing this the week I was seeing Melanie as well. This is why I didn't have to go to work that Monday morning when she called in sick.
So, I could focus on studying throughout the day. But couldn't stay home alone in the evening because all I would do then was to focus on how much pain my heart was feeling and how confused I was from everything collapsing the way that it did. Drinking and partying was a way to keep my mind off of thinking about it. Not to mention that we were having tremendous fun and were meeting lots of interesting and different people.
I had only lived a student, and professional, and a married lifestyle up to that point. I was always curious about how 'the other half' lived. I was curious about how people that lived a drug cultured or reckless lifestyle lived and thought. It was all new to me, and I was interested in understanding it. Exposing myself to it. Not to mention that it was wild and crazy fun.
The other thing is this. It was completely different from my 'lifestyle'. For the time being, I couldn't remain in my lifestyle because all that did was make me think about my life and what had happened to it. I still had no idea what went wrong and why. It was too shocking, and too painfully confusing, and too emotional for me to be able to think about. I wanted to stay away from anything that made me think about my life and my failed marriage. I would have probably slid into a depression if I had to think about it. For my own sanity, I needed to find a temporary escape. So for the first few weeks, I just allowed Bill to decide what we were doing and I went along with it. It is what I needed, and it also taught me a whole lot of things that I was curious about and would never otherwise have the opportunity to learn.
So for a time being, I stepped away from my world and hovered around the fringes of Bill's world instead...
Even when I was inside of it, I never considered it my world. I was there, but just an outside observer. It was like I was watching it all in an interactive movie. Fascinating though...
My world had always been about success and living a proper lifestyle. For the first ten years of my adult life my focus was entirely about studying and learning, career success, building a loving relationship with my wife, building a financially secure future, and continually improving my mind, body, and spirit. That was the life that I had always lived, and that is the life I assumed I would always live. That is still what I consider my 'real' life.
I was still in complete shock from my marriage failing and Alison leaving. I was in too much pain and too much shock to be able to deal with it yet. So I needed a diversion so that I wouldn't have to think about it. Work and building my career was my main focus. But that was also falling apart for the first time ever. After the first two or three weeks of hanging out with Bill, I was ready to focus more on career again. But my project was hell, and I needed an escape from that as well. Which is why I was going out and drinking so much.
Then I got out of that project and was placed on the team to write the proposal for the next retirements systems project. Once I was starting that, I started going home at 11:00p on week nights so that I could be fresh for work and produce a quality job. But after four weeks of writing and completing the proposal the client delayed the project an additional six months. So then I was placed 'on the bench' which means I was unattached to a project. Which means you didn't go to a client site, you instead reported to the office and worked on whatever small side projects they had or else you studied. But it was the Christmas season and no new projects were starting until the new year. So the bench was full of people that had just finished up projects. So after a week of being at the office, they told me that they didn't have desks for us on the bench, so could stay at home and study. I was studying to take the PMI (Project Management Institute) exam. But it also meant that I didn't have to be up in the morning. So I was able to stay out all night again. I would generally get up around 10:00a and study for my exam for about four or five hours. Then call Bill around 5:00p and go out. I had just started doing this the week I was seeing Melanie as well. This is why I didn't have to go to work that Monday morning when she called in sick.
So, I could focus on studying throughout the day. But couldn't stay home alone in the evening because all I would do then was to focus on how much pain my heart was feeling and how confused I was from everything collapsing the way that it did. Drinking and partying was a way to keep my mind off of thinking about it. Not to mention that we were having tremendous fun and were meeting lots of interesting and different people.
I had only lived a student, and professional, and a married lifestyle up to that point. I was always curious about how 'the other half' lived. I was curious about how people that lived a drug cultured or reckless lifestyle lived and thought. It was all new to me, and I was interested in understanding it. Exposing myself to it. Not to mention that it was wild and crazy fun.
The other thing is this. It was completely different from my 'lifestyle'. For the time being, I couldn't remain in my lifestyle because all that did was make me think about my life and what had happened to it. I still had no idea what went wrong and why. It was too shocking, and too painfully confusing, and too emotional for me to be able to think about. I wanted to stay away from anything that made me think about my life and my failed marriage. I would have probably slid into a depression if I had to think about it. For my own sanity, I needed to find a temporary escape. So for the first few weeks, I just allowed Bill to decide what we were doing and I went along with it. It is what I needed, and it also taught me a whole lot of things that I was curious about and would never otherwise have the opportunity to learn.
So for a time being, I stepped away from my world and hovered around the fringes of Bill's world instead...
Even when I was inside of it, I never considered it my world. I was there, but just an outside observer. It was like I was watching it all in an interactive movie. Fascinating though...
Spontaneous Writing
Oh yes, I just realized that I forgot to include the first poem that I wrote the other night (while getting drunk). Here's it is:
"What a Fool"
I have loved and I have wondered about love. What is it that makes love real? A fool in love is still a fool. But he does know love. With that knowledge can he truly be a fool? Ah, love. I do so miss that. I do so envy that fool.
While I have it here, I may as well include the spontaneous writing that I was doing before I started writing the poetry. Like I say, I was at a friend's house just talking and chilling and she wanted to do some writing. So I decided to write too. We also started drinking beers when we started writing, so eventually were on our way to being drunk by the time we finished the writing. Then we got hammered while watching some movies. It was one more of those nights. But, here's what I wrote:
"Life is a never ending process. At times I just like to stare out the window and watch life move on by... I like watching the wind in the trees and I envision the sound that it makes. There's something about the wind and the trees that have a serine effect on me. It reminds me of distance and time and space and somehow it allows me to feel connected to my past present and future. I can feel a part of it.
Have you ever stood outside in the middle of a raging thunderstorm? The serine beauty of it is awe inspiring. I love wathcing that hammering rain smash the pavement like machine gun bursts. Then the lightning that forks down with a brilliant crack and a flash of energy that lights up the sky and makes all known. Following that you wait for the slow rolling thunder that explodes in a burst and then flows with that rolling rumble that tells you this is in the distance. Now in your past. I am a small piece of energy in this glorious display of natures fury and beauty.
God is here on Earth and I am a humbled mortal man. But at that moment I am alive.
Once again the wind. Howling it's rage through the trees and telling us that it is in charge. I love to feel it wash through me and connect me with the universe. I close my eyes and become part of it. I am a child of the universe and we are all connected through the wind and the beauty of the elements. I am here. I belong. And I am one...
Have you stood in nature at night? Out in the wilderness, under the moon and stars. Once again it is the wind through the trees that whispers it's secrets to you. Whoosh, whoosh, swish, and a ripple over the water. Close your eyes and drink it all in. The crickets chirp their lovely steady song. Over and over relentlessly. It is an orchastra that joins the steady rippling of the tides and the swaying of the trees. I stand there perfectly still and am part of it. It is the song and music of nature. My soul reaches out and joins this dance. We are all alive. We are one...
Where do feelings come from? Do you ever notice that they always seem to start at the heart and then branch out to the rest of your body?Why is that?
Love is a flow that seems to connect. It flows out yet fills your heart at the same time. How does it do that?..."
That's where I finished the writing and then decided to write poetry. Starting with the one at the start of this post titled "What a Fool".
"What a Fool"
I have loved and I have wondered about love. What is it that makes love real? A fool in love is still a fool. But he does know love. With that knowledge can he truly be a fool? Ah, love. I do so miss that. I do so envy that fool.
While I have it here, I may as well include the spontaneous writing that I was doing before I started writing the poetry. Like I say, I was at a friend's house just talking and chilling and she wanted to do some writing. So I decided to write too. We also started drinking beers when we started writing, so eventually were on our way to being drunk by the time we finished the writing. Then we got hammered while watching some movies. It was one more of those nights. But, here's what I wrote:
"Life is a never ending process. At times I just like to stare out the window and watch life move on by... I like watching the wind in the trees and I envision the sound that it makes. There's something about the wind and the trees that have a serine effect on me. It reminds me of distance and time and space and somehow it allows me to feel connected to my past present and future. I can feel a part of it.
Have you ever stood outside in the middle of a raging thunderstorm? The serine beauty of it is awe inspiring. I love wathcing that hammering rain smash the pavement like machine gun bursts. Then the lightning that forks down with a brilliant crack and a flash of energy that lights up the sky and makes all known. Following that you wait for the slow rolling thunder that explodes in a burst and then flows with that rolling rumble that tells you this is in the distance. Now in your past. I am a small piece of energy in this glorious display of natures fury and beauty.
God is here on Earth and I am a humbled mortal man. But at that moment I am alive.
Once again the wind. Howling it's rage through the trees and telling us that it is in charge. I love to feel it wash through me and connect me with the universe. I close my eyes and become part of it. I am a child of the universe and we are all connected through the wind and the beauty of the elements. I am here. I belong. And I am one...
Have you stood in nature at night? Out in the wilderness, under the moon and stars. Once again it is the wind through the trees that whispers it's secrets to you. Whoosh, whoosh, swish, and a ripple over the water. Close your eyes and drink it all in. The crickets chirp their lovely steady song. Over and over relentlessly. It is an orchastra that joins the steady rippling of the tides and the swaying of the trees. I stand there perfectly still and am part of it. It is the song and music of nature. My soul reaches out and joins this dance. We are all alive. We are one...
Where do feelings come from? Do you ever notice that they always seem to start at the heart and then branch out to the rest of your body?Why is that?
Love is a flow that seems to connect. It flows out yet fills your heart at the same time. How does it do that?..."
That's where I finished the writing and then decided to write poetry. Starting with the one at the start of this post titled "What a Fool".
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Drunken Poetry
I was drinking at a friend's house last night and we were doing spontaneous writing. I eventually decided to write some poetry. I don't think it's all that bad either. Keep in mind I wrote all these short poems in less than an hour and I was drinking beer at the time. Here they are:
This one is my favourite of the bunch, but was the third one that I wrote:
"Why?"
Love. It usually ends in pain. But we keep going back to it anyway. Why? Because nothing rivals it. I will take every pain imaginable for the possibility of love. Why? Because nothing rivals it.
"Dancer"
To dance is to dream and to dream is to dance. Is the dreamer the dancer or the dancer the dreamer? Ah, I suppose time will tell. At least we're still dancing. Dance you dreamer. Dance.
This next one never started out as a poem, but it kind of ended up as one:
"Me"
I've never been understood. In the end, that's never really bothered me. Not much anyway. It has made life a little more difficult though. But so what? Difficulty makes you think. Thinking. Is that a good thing? I hope so. It's all I seem to be able to do. What I can tell you is that as much as I am misunderstood, anyone that takes the time to know me learns to love me. That's a good thing isn't it? I think so. I love me. That's the important thing. The rest of the world can catch up to me later.
"Anyway"
No matter how much life gets f#cked upI love it anyway. How crazy is that? I don't care. I love it anyway.
"Emotions"
Emotions are real. It doesn't matter if they are warranted or not. The emotions are still real.
This one is my favourite of the bunch, but was the third one that I wrote:
"Why?"
Love. It usually ends in pain. But we keep going back to it anyway. Why? Because nothing rivals it. I will take every pain imaginable for the possibility of love. Why? Because nothing rivals it.
"Dancer"
To dance is to dream and to dream is to dance. Is the dreamer the dancer or the dancer the dreamer? Ah, I suppose time will tell. At least we're still dancing. Dance you dreamer. Dance.
This next one never started out as a poem, but it kind of ended up as one:
"Me"
I've never been understood. In the end, that's never really bothered me. Not much anyway. It has made life a little more difficult though. But so what? Difficulty makes you think. Thinking. Is that a good thing? I hope so. It's all I seem to be able to do. What I can tell you is that as much as I am misunderstood, anyone that takes the time to know me learns to love me. That's a good thing isn't it? I think so. I love me. That's the important thing. The rest of the world can catch up to me later.
"Anyway"
No matter how much life gets f#cked upI love it anyway. How crazy is that? I don't care. I love it anyway.
"Emotions"
Emotions are real. It doesn't matter if they are warranted or not. The emotions are still real.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Superman is born
It was the weekend after I had met Melanie but before we started dating. I picked Bill up Friday after work. We did our usual bar hopping and of course drinking. After hours we went back to my house and continued drinking into the next day. I imagine we crashed at some point, but who knows, there was a lot of 'all-nighters' back then.
The next day, Bill wanted to go to the South side of town to visit a friend. We grabbed a six pack of beer 'for the road' and we went to his friends place. Once again, I let Bill drive as we were drinking. I pretty much always let Bill drive once we started drinking. We got to his friend's place and there was a bunch of them there partying. We joined in.
At some point some cute chick said they were all going to buy some crack and asked if we wanted to join in. Me and Bill threw in $20 each and she went on her way for a pick up. We continued to drink with her man and the others at the party.
She eventually returned with the goods and we loaded up and did some hits. Me and Bill had done crack together twice before, but this was my first time using an actual crack pipe (which is essentially a straight glass pipe with some chore boy in it). They showed me the proper way to load it, and how to rotate the pipe as you lit the hit and the proper ways to puff on it to get the best out of your hit. Once again, it really is a remarkably wonderful feeling of a high. Also once again, I wouldn't recommend it for anyone as most people completely f#ck up their lives once they start getting into it.
Let's talk about crack for a brief moment. The high is like no other. At least as far as I know. I've only done a few different types of narcotics. But a crack high hits you instantaneously. While you are exhaling you get an instant release in the back of your head, at your spinal column. It instantly takes all stress and tension out of you. You are also hit with a wave of euphoria and everything seems to slow down and relax. Your brain seems to move slower and if you talk you sound like you are half asleep. It drops every care or concern you have and you just feel this slow euphoric relaxed warmth. You feel good. You just feel like sitting back and 'chillin'. Endorphins are also released in the back of your head and it honestly feels very similar to the the euphoric feeling you get when you orgasm. The euphoric feeling lasts maybe five or ten minutes then dissipates. The slowness and relaxation lasts maybe an hour or two. This is what it feels like when you do small hits. Doing larger hits has a much more extreme effect as well as some less than pleasant side effects. Coming down is a different experience and also varies depending on the size of your hits and how much you smoked. I'll talk about it in more detail some other time.
Anyway, we sat around the table passing the pipe around and using up all our hits. $20 each doesn't go very far so we were all used up within an hour or two. Like I said, we were only doing small hits so there was no 'noiding' or 'weirdness' to it. Just the pleasant affects. We continued drinking and partying for another couple of hours.
As me and Bill were preparing to leave, 'little Chickadee' wanted us to give her a ride so she could pick up more crack. It was in the direction we were heading anyway. So we drove her to her supplier's place which was in this building in an industrial section of town. She asked if we wanted any more and we decided to pitch in another $20 each to use later. But then she never came back.
We went back to her man's house, rather pissed off from her stealing our money and Bill threatened to beat or kill her and him if we didn't get our money back. Everyone knows that Bill can get a little crazy at times and everyone believed that he would follow through on his threat. So he apologized for her and gave Bill $40. We thanked him (sort of) and were on our way.
I don't think we did sleep the night before because I was feeling pretty wiped out. As usual, I let Bill drive. We got on the Interstate to head back to my side of town and I dozed off in the passenger seat. I awoke abruptly to my car doing spins at 70 mph on the Interstate highway. Somehow Bill had lost control of the car and we were now in a tail spin. We spun around about three rotations and then the front bumper hit the guard rail and somehow that caused the car to stop spinning and to straighten itself out going the correct way on the Intersate. So here we are travelling at highway speed normally on the interstate as if we were never spinning in the first place. There wasn't even a single scratch on the car or any indication that we almost got into a serious accident in my black dodge neon.
It all happened so fast we didn't even have time to get scared, mad, or concerned. It was kind of like we were watching the whole thing on a movie screen. All I could say to Bill was, "What the F#ck was that?" Bill replied with a chuckle and said, "Relax G, I got us out of it didn't I?" All I could respond with was, "Ya, I suppose so." Then I smiled and laughed. All's well that ends well I suppose.
From then on, we called that car "Superman".
The next day, Bill wanted to go to the South side of town to visit a friend. We grabbed a six pack of beer 'for the road' and we went to his friends place. Once again, I let Bill drive as we were drinking. I pretty much always let Bill drive once we started drinking. We got to his friend's place and there was a bunch of them there partying. We joined in.
At some point some cute chick said they were all going to buy some crack and asked if we wanted to join in. Me and Bill threw in $20 each and she went on her way for a pick up. We continued to drink with her man and the others at the party.
She eventually returned with the goods and we loaded up and did some hits. Me and Bill had done crack together twice before, but this was my first time using an actual crack pipe (which is essentially a straight glass pipe with some chore boy in it). They showed me the proper way to load it, and how to rotate the pipe as you lit the hit and the proper ways to puff on it to get the best out of your hit. Once again, it really is a remarkably wonderful feeling of a high. Also once again, I wouldn't recommend it for anyone as most people completely f#ck up their lives once they start getting into it.
Let's talk about crack for a brief moment. The high is like no other. At least as far as I know. I've only done a few different types of narcotics. But a crack high hits you instantaneously. While you are exhaling you get an instant release in the back of your head, at your spinal column. It instantly takes all stress and tension out of you. You are also hit with a wave of euphoria and everything seems to slow down and relax. Your brain seems to move slower and if you talk you sound like you are half asleep. It drops every care or concern you have and you just feel this slow euphoric relaxed warmth. You feel good. You just feel like sitting back and 'chillin'. Endorphins are also released in the back of your head and it honestly feels very similar to the the euphoric feeling you get when you orgasm. The euphoric feeling lasts maybe five or ten minutes then dissipates. The slowness and relaxation lasts maybe an hour or two. This is what it feels like when you do small hits. Doing larger hits has a much more extreme effect as well as some less than pleasant side effects. Coming down is a different experience and also varies depending on the size of your hits and how much you smoked. I'll talk about it in more detail some other time.
Anyway, we sat around the table passing the pipe around and using up all our hits. $20 each doesn't go very far so we were all used up within an hour or two. Like I said, we were only doing small hits so there was no 'noiding' or 'weirdness' to it. Just the pleasant affects. We continued drinking and partying for another couple of hours.
As me and Bill were preparing to leave, 'little Chickadee' wanted us to give her a ride so she could pick up more crack. It was in the direction we were heading anyway. So we drove her to her supplier's place which was in this building in an industrial section of town. She asked if we wanted any more and we decided to pitch in another $20 each to use later. But then she never came back.
We went back to her man's house, rather pissed off from her stealing our money and Bill threatened to beat or kill her and him if we didn't get our money back. Everyone knows that Bill can get a little crazy at times and everyone believed that he would follow through on his threat. So he apologized for her and gave Bill $40. We thanked him (sort of) and were on our way.
I don't think we did sleep the night before because I was feeling pretty wiped out. As usual, I let Bill drive. We got on the Interstate to head back to my side of town and I dozed off in the passenger seat. I awoke abruptly to my car doing spins at 70 mph on the Interstate highway. Somehow Bill had lost control of the car and we were now in a tail spin. We spun around about three rotations and then the front bumper hit the guard rail and somehow that caused the car to stop spinning and to straighten itself out going the correct way on the Intersate. So here we are travelling at highway speed normally on the interstate as if we were never spinning in the first place. There wasn't even a single scratch on the car or any indication that we almost got into a serious accident in my black dodge neon.
It all happened so fast we didn't even have time to get scared, mad, or concerned. It was kind of like we were watching the whole thing on a movie screen. All I could say to Bill was, "What the F#ck was that?" Bill replied with a chuckle and said, "Relax G, I got us out of it didn't I?" All I could respond with was, "Ya, I suppose so." Then I smiled and laughed. All's well that ends well I suppose.
From then on, we called that car "Superman".
Sunday, April 12, 2009
This Dating Thing is Easy...
Well, eventually I want to get to talking about the things going on in my current life and the things that are currently on my mind. There's plenty of recent thoughts and events that I would like to write about as well. However, I really do want to get this personal history of my past nine years recorded. Especially the first two years after me and my wife parted ways. It would also allow good insight into the events that have motivated or altered my life. I guess that means I have to try and write a little more regularly in order to 'catch up' to current day.
So, let us talk about Melanie for a moment. It was about three or four weeks into my nightly partying with Bill. By this time we were just starting to hang out at the other karaokee bars (besides just the VIP) and it was the first week we were selling 'stuff' to Jeff and Jack.
It was a Thursday night and we went to Eldorados bar because they were having karaoke that night. We got there at about 8:00p (when we usually got to the bar). Karaoke doesn't start until 9:00p and the bar is pretty sparse until then. Me and Bill were shooting pool with this f#cked up red-headed chick with crooked teeth. I may mention her sometime as she developed quite the crush and even obsession over me in the next year or two, but we'll save that for another time. She DEFINITELY wasn't my type. Her life was full of drama, she wasn't very intelligent, and she was well overweight. Three huge strikes and an OUT right there! Anyway, I digress.
A little while later this good looking chick named Melanie (who was there alone) asked if she could shoot pool with us. We of course said, "sure". Same as us, apparently this was the first time that Melanie had been to this bar. Meanwhile there was this other regular at that bar that was also shooting pool with us. This other dude (whom over the years I later got to know) was hitting pretty hardcore on Melony but she wasn't really giving him the time-of-day. On the other hand, me and Melony were hitting it off rather well and we were both talking lots and flirting quite heavily with one another.
In the meantime, Bill was on the phone with Jeff and Jack seeing if we could make a little 'side money' for the evening. It also made Bill feel really 'big' because he could talk and act like a 'real' drug dealer. So anyway, Bill comes and says "We gotsta Go! There is a business deal that we have to make." So, I talked a little more with Melanie before excusing myself, but not before getting her phone number for a date "sometime soon". Me and Bill left, did the Jeff and Jack thing for a while, then went bar hopping elsewhere. We also had a crazy weekend in another part of town so I didn't get calling Melanie until maybe Tuesday after work (yes, I was still working at this point).
When I called her we talked for a few hours, getting to know one another and all that stuff. I let her know that I had recently ended a marriage "a few months ago" (not quite admitting it was only about three weeks ago) but felt I would really like to go on a date with her and wondered if she wanted to get together and go out on Friday. She liked to idea, so we made plans to meet at her place and 'play it by ear'. I talked to her again on Thursday, once again for a couple of hours, then met her at her place on Friday evening.
The date went very well, and I'll give some details but first I will say that it was very awkward 'dating' again so soon after leaving a nine year relationship. I was quite comfortable with Melany, and found her quite attractive, and wasn't thinking of my wife at all. Even though we were still married and were separated less than a month I already considered her as part of my past. She betrayed our love and trust when she initially walked out, and then made her 'decision' to end it when she decided not to come back so that we can work on our issues. As far as I was concerned, she made her decision, we were done, and I was moving on with my life.
What was awkward about dating again was that for the past nine years everything I did, I pretty much did it with Alison (my wife). Every story I have at that point was with her, and I am used to automatically saying "We" instead of "I". So everytime I went to relate a story (about whatever) to Melanie, I would start saying "We", catch myself before saying it, then reflect on the fact that women probably don't want to ever hear mention of your ex, and while pondering this, would end up not telling the story at all. So I kept starting to say something, then ended up not saying it. To tell the truth, I think Melanie kind of liked it. It made Melanie think I was being mysterious, when really I just wasn't used to being 'single' anymore and didn't know how to talk like a 'single' person.
So, details of our date. I met her at her place. We sate with her roommate (some guy) and talked for about an hour. Just chatting. Then me and Melanie decided to go down the street to this local bar that she frequents and has a great band playing later that night. It had snowed earlier than night, and when she took one step onto her icy stone stairway her feet flew out from underneath her and she landed HARD on her tailbone. Ouch! I really thought the date was going to end right there. She hit VERY HARD and I wondered if she could even now walk. But, being the trooper that she was she wanted to continue this date.
So we got to the bar a few blocks away. She chatted briefly with the doorman whom she knows from hanging out, then we started playing pool. At the time, I was okay at pool but not really that practiced yet. Melanie who was living a 'single' life much longer than me was quite good at pool. I knew she was a better pool player than me, but she let me win every game. I knew she was letting me win. I thought that it was kind of cute. We played for about an hour, and the band was now just starting to set up. We decided to go down the road further to a karaokee place that she liked to frequent. We could come back later to hear to band if we wanted to.
I think she was trying to indimidate me as this bar we were going to was a gay bar. Unbeknownst to her, about 75% of my wife's coworkers were either gay or lesbian and seeing they were more fun than most of my 'stuffy' corporate office coworkers we usually hung out with her (more colorful) friends. So for the past two years, at least half the bars I was hanging out at(with my wife) were gay or lesbian bars. Going to a gay bar with my date didn't bother me at all. In fact, it was a bit flattering as I was still in shape and got hit on a lot by gay men. Of course I was only interested in my wife, and DEFINITELY wasn't interested in men, but it was still flattering having people tell you how attractive you are.
Anyway, while me and Melanie were walking to the karaoke bar, she stopped and said to me, "If you get nervous being there, then you can either grab my hand, grab my ass, or kiss me." I replied, oh, let me practice, and as I repeated what she had said, did grab her hand, then grab her ass, then kissed her. Then we kissed a while longer before preceding to the bar.
She sang karaoke there pretty much every week so everybody knew her there. We sat at a table with two pretty-boy gay twins whom everyone just called "the Twins". She got left me there and went and bought us drinks. In fact, she bought all the drinks at that bar. There was a time where Melanie dissapeared for about 40 minutes. I just stayed at the table talking to the Twins. One of them had just been dumped, and was pouring his heart out to me about the ordeal. That's when Melanie returned and was quite shocked. She said, "The Twins don't talk to anybody, and here they are pouring their hearts out to you!" I simple replied, "Well, I guess I'm just a likeable sort of guy!" She seemed to like this, as she sat on my lap for the rest of our time there.
A while later, she looked somewhat devilish at me and said, "You know, my back is starting to get REALLY sore, and I think I need to go to bed." I responded with an equally devilish look and said, "Well then, I think I'd better join you." We left the bar at that point (around 12:30a) and went straight to her bed. We had sex, made out, talked, made out more, had more sex, slept more for the rest of the evening and into Saturday. This was approaching Christmas time, so I had a black-tie optional Christmas party to attend that night (put on by my employer). So I left her bed at 5:00p. Went home. Changed into my tuxedo and then went to my party. Ate lots of food, drank tons of free liquor, and partied with some of the younger coworkers until 3:00a.
I called Melanie the next day and we met for brunch. Then she came to my house and we watched a movie together then ended up going to her place so she could tape her 'favourite show'. We hung out for another couple of hours, then she said (once again with a devilish look), "You know, I think my back is going to be too sore for me to make it to work tomorrow." And I replied, "Well then, I prescribe plenty of bed rest!" With that we went straight to bed. Same routine as last time. I didn't have to go to the office that week because I had finished an assignment and was interviewing for the next, but seeing it was Christmas time there wasn't a need to actually report to the office. You just had to be available in case they wanted you to do a task or interview with a client. So, she called in 'sick' the next day and we spent Monday in bed together. Laying together, talking, watching TV, making out, having sex, dozing off the sleep, etc. etc.
She had a pool league to go to that night, and I really did have to go home to make sure the office didn't try to contact me. So I left her bed around 4:00p and went home. We had plans to go to my favourite bar (the VIP) on Wednesday for karaoke. The following weekend I was flying home for Christmas and was returning on the day of New Year's Eve. We had also made plans for her to pick me up at the airport and to spend New Year's Eve together.
Monday night I had talked to a friend of mine who lived in Pittsburg. He was the recruiter for the company I worked for my first year in Columbus. Eventually he took a job in Pittsburg (where he is originally from). When I had met him a few years earlier, he had just broke up with his live-in girlfriend of 5+ years and was now on the 'dating scene' for the first time in years. I remember at the time, he was telling me "This dating thing is crazy. The girls are really strange out there!" Me, who had been living with Alison the past 4+ years, could only reply, "Well, I couldn't tell you man. I haven't been out there in a while either."
So now that I was dating again, and the past few days was my first date in over nine years. I would have to say that the date went VERY well. So I told him with a laugh, "Well man, I don't know what you are talking about, but this dating thing is Easy!"
I called Melanie Tuesday after work but only got her machine. I left a message letting her know that I generally get to the VIP by 9:00p, and asked if she would like to go out for dinner together first before going to karaoke.
I never heard from her. So around 5:30 on Wednesday (the night we were supposed to go out) I called and left her a message to give me a call when she got home from work. I called again around 6:30p before I made something for myself to eat. Then I called again around 8:30p letting her know that I was heading to the VIP to meet up with friends and left her directions on how to get there in case she was planning to join us. Then I picked up Bill and we went out and had our usual ball with the VIP karaoke crowd.
I still hadn't heard from her by Thursday evening and was figuring something was up. I figured if she doesn't call by Friday then something went sour and we were no longer seeing one another. Friday rolled around, and there was still no word from her. So I left a final message on her answering machine pretty much stating "Okay, I get it. You're not going to call me, and I am assuming that we are no longer seeing one another. This confusing me somewhat because I was under the impression that we were getting along quite well. But, oh well. Look I would love to hear from you, and I would love to continue seeing you, so you know how to reach me if you want to."
And I left it at that. We never called one another again. Eventually I did see her again as a few months later she started hanging out at the VIP and Eldorados for karaoke. By then, me and my friends owned those bars during karaoke. At first she was very cold to me but eventually warmed up and started talking to me again once she realized that I knew and hung out with EVERYONE at those two bars. I never asked about "what happened" but of course the question never left my mind. One day she approached the subject and asked if I would like to know why she never called back. Of course I said "yes" but her explanation was just a superficial excuse. If she ever even knew, then she wasn't saying so.
To tell the truth, when we were seeing each other those few days she acted like she was completely enamored by me. Meanwhile as much as I loved spending time with her, after all it was a wonderful distraction, and very emotionally and physically intimate, but I knew she wasn't the type of person that I wanted a long-term relationship with so I thought that I would have to 'let her go' in a couple of months. As it turns out, she let me go after a few days.
I've lived much more the 'single lifestyle' since then and have seen much crazier things happen since, but at the time that was the most bizarre incident that had ever happened to me (as far as things turning on a dime anyway). I know a lot more about Melanie now, and her inconsistent actions no longer surprise me, but to this day I still don't know why things ended the way that they did. I can speculate. But I never bothered. I was looking forward to continuing my time with her, but at the same time, it didn't matter to me either. I was just living one day at a time back then, and keeping the good times coming so that I wouldn't have to cope with the pain inside that I wasn't ready to face yet.
I do remember calling my friend in Pittsburg back a few days after I stopped talking to Melanie and telling him, "I was wrong man. You are right. It is crazy out there!"
So, let us talk about Melanie for a moment. It was about three or four weeks into my nightly partying with Bill. By this time we were just starting to hang out at the other karaokee bars (besides just the VIP) and it was the first week we were selling 'stuff' to Jeff and Jack.
It was a Thursday night and we went to Eldorados bar because they were having karaoke that night. We got there at about 8:00p (when we usually got to the bar). Karaoke doesn't start until 9:00p and the bar is pretty sparse until then. Me and Bill were shooting pool with this f#cked up red-headed chick with crooked teeth. I may mention her sometime as she developed quite the crush and even obsession over me in the next year or two, but we'll save that for another time. She DEFINITELY wasn't my type. Her life was full of drama, she wasn't very intelligent, and she was well overweight. Three huge strikes and an OUT right there! Anyway, I digress.
A little while later this good looking chick named Melanie (who was there alone) asked if she could shoot pool with us. We of course said, "sure". Same as us, apparently this was the first time that Melanie had been to this bar. Meanwhile there was this other regular at that bar that was also shooting pool with us. This other dude (whom over the years I later got to know) was hitting pretty hardcore on Melony but she wasn't really giving him the time-of-day. On the other hand, me and Melony were hitting it off rather well and we were both talking lots and flirting quite heavily with one another.
In the meantime, Bill was on the phone with Jeff and Jack seeing if we could make a little 'side money' for the evening. It also made Bill feel really 'big' because he could talk and act like a 'real' drug dealer. So anyway, Bill comes and says "We gotsta Go! There is a business deal that we have to make." So, I talked a little more with Melanie before excusing myself, but not before getting her phone number for a date "sometime soon". Me and Bill left, did the Jeff and Jack thing for a while, then went bar hopping elsewhere. We also had a crazy weekend in another part of town so I didn't get calling Melanie until maybe Tuesday after work (yes, I was still working at this point).
When I called her we talked for a few hours, getting to know one another and all that stuff. I let her know that I had recently ended a marriage "a few months ago" (not quite admitting it was only about three weeks ago) but felt I would really like to go on a date with her and wondered if she wanted to get together and go out on Friday. She liked to idea, so we made plans to meet at her place and 'play it by ear'. I talked to her again on Thursday, once again for a couple of hours, then met her at her place on Friday evening.
The date went very well, and I'll give some details but first I will say that it was very awkward 'dating' again so soon after leaving a nine year relationship. I was quite comfortable with Melany, and found her quite attractive, and wasn't thinking of my wife at all. Even though we were still married and were separated less than a month I already considered her as part of my past. She betrayed our love and trust when she initially walked out, and then made her 'decision' to end it when she decided not to come back so that we can work on our issues. As far as I was concerned, she made her decision, we were done, and I was moving on with my life.
What was awkward about dating again was that for the past nine years everything I did, I pretty much did it with Alison (my wife). Every story I have at that point was with her, and I am used to automatically saying "We" instead of "I". So everytime I went to relate a story (about whatever) to Melanie, I would start saying "We", catch myself before saying it, then reflect on the fact that women probably don't want to ever hear mention of your ex, and while pondering this, would end up not telling the story at all. So I kept starting to say something, then ended up not saying it. To tell the truth, I think Melanie kind of liked it. It made Melanie think I was being mysterious, when really I just wasn't used to being 'single' anymore and didn't know how to talk like a 'single' person.
So, details of our date. I met her at her place. We sate with her roommate (some guy) and talked for about an hour. Just chatting. Then me and Melanie decided to go down the street to this local bar that she frequents and has a great band playing later that night. It had snowed earlier than night, and when she took one step onto her icy stone stairway her feet flew out from underneath her and she landed HARD on her tailbone. Ouch! I really thought the date was going to end right there. She hit VERY HARD and I wondered if she could even now walk. But, being the trooper that she was she wanted to continue this date.
So we got to the bar a few blocks away. She chatted briefly with the doorman whom she knows from hanging out, then we started playing pool. At the time, I was okay at pool but not really that practiced yet. Melanie who was living a 'single' life much longer than me was quite good at pool. I knew she was a better pool player than me, but she let me win every game. I knew she was letting me win. I thought that it was kind of cute. We played for about an hour, and the band was now just starting to set up. We decided to go down the road further to a karaokee place that she liked to frequent. We could come back later to hear to band if we wanted to.
I think she was trying to indimidate me as this bar we were going to was a gay bar. Unbeknownst to her, about 75% of my wife's coworkers were either gay or lesbian and seeing they were more fun than most of my 'stuffy' corporate office coworkers we usually hung out with her (more colorful) friends. So for the past two years, at least half the bars I was hanging out at(with my wife) were gay or lesbian bars. Going to a gay bar with my date didn't bother me at all. In fact, it was a bit flattering as I was still in shape and got hit on a lot by gay men. Of course I was only interested in my wife, and DEFINITELY wasn't interested in men, but it was still flattering having people tell you how attractive you are.
Anyway, while me and Melanie were walking to the karaoke bar, she stopped and said to me, "If you get nervous being there, then you can either grab my hand, grab my ass, or kiss me." I replied, oh, let me practice, and as I repeated what she had said, did grab her hand, then grab her ass, then kissed her. Then we kissed a while longer before preceding to the bar.
She sang karaoke there pretty much every week so everybody knew her there. We sat at a table with two pretty-boy gay twins whom everyone just called "the Twins". She got left me there and went and bought us drinks. In fact, she bought all the drinks at that bar. There was a time where Melanie dissapeared for about 40 minutes. I just stayed at the table talking to the Twins. One of them had just been dumped, and was pouring his heart out to me about the ordeal. That's when Melanie returned and was quite shocked. She said, "The Twins don't talk to anybody, and here they are pouring their hearts out to you!" I simple replied, "Well, I guess I'm just a likeable sort of guy!" She seemed to like this, as she sat on my lap for the rest of our time there.
A while later, she looked somewhat devilish at me and said, "You know, my back is starting to get REALLY sore, and I think I need to go to bed." I responded with an equally devilish look and said, "Well then, I think I'd better join you." We left the bar at that point (around 12:30a) and went straight to her bed. We had sex, made out, talked, made out more, had more sex, slept more for the rest of the evening and into Saturday. This was approaching Christmas time, so I had a black-tie optional Christmas party to attend that night (put on by my employer). So I left her bed at 5:00p. Went home. Changed into my tuxedo and then went to my party. Ate lots of food, drank tons of free liquor, and partied with some of the younger coworkers until 3:00a.
I called Melanie the next day and we met for brunch. Then she came to my house and we watched a movie together then ended up going to her place so she could tape her 'favourite show'. We hung out for another couple of hours, then she said (once again with a devilish look), "You know, I think my back is going to be too sore for me to make it to work tomorrow." And I replied, "Well then, I prescribe plenty of bed rest!" With that we went straight to bed. Same routine as last time. I didn't have to go to the office that week because I had finished an assignment and was interviewing for the next, but seeing it was Christmas time there wasn't a need to actually report to the office. You just had to be available in case they wanted you to do a task or interview with a client. So, she called in 'sick' the next day and we spent Monday in bed together. Laying together, talking, watching TV, making out, having sex, dozing off the sleep, etc. etc.
She had a pool league to go to that night, and I really did have to go home to make sure the office didn't try to contact me. So I left her bed around 4:00p and went home. We had plans to go to my favourite bar (the VIP) on Wednesday for karaoke. The following weekend I was flying home for Christmas and was returning on the day of New Year's Eve. We had also made plans for her to pick me up at the airport and to spend New Year's Eve together.
Monday night I had talked to a friend of mine who lived in Pittsburg. He was the recruiter for the company I worked for my first year in Columbus. Eventually he took a job in Pittsburg (where he is originally from). When I had met him a few years earlier, he had just broke up with his live-in girlfriend of 5+ years and was now on the 'dating scene' for the first time in years. I remember at the time, he was telling me "This dating thing is crazy. The girls are really strange out there!" Me, who had been living with Alison the past 4+ years, could only reply, "Well, I couldn't tell you man. I haven't been out there in a while either."
So now that I was dating again, and the past few days was my first date in over nine years. I would have to say that the date went VERY well. So I told him with a laugh, "Well man, I don't know what you are talking about, but this dating thing is Easy!"
I called Melanie Tuesday after work but only got her machine. I left a message letting her know that I generally get to the VIP by 9:00p, and asked if she would like to go out for dinner together first before going to karaoke.
I never heard from her. So around 5:30 on Wednesday (the night we were supposed to go out) I called and left her a message to give me a call when she got home from work. I called again around 6:30p before I made something for myself to eat. Then I called again around 8:30p letting her know that I was heading to the VIP to meet up with friends and left her directions on how to get there in case she was planning to join us. Then I picked up Bill and we went out and had our usual ball with the VIP karaoke crowd.
I still hadn't heard from her by Thursday evening and was figuring something was up. I figured if she doesn't call by Friday then something went sour and we were no longer seeing one another. Friday rolled around, and there was still no word from her. So I left a final message on her answering machine pretty much stating "Okay, I get it. You're not going to call me, and I am assuming that we are no longer seeing one another. This confusing me somewhat because I was under the impression that we were getting along quite well. But, oh well. Look I would love to hear from you, and I would love to continue seeing you, so you know how to reach me if you want to."
And I left it at that. We never called one another again. Eventually I did see her again as a few months later she started hanging out at the VIP and Eldorados for karaoke. By then, me and my friends owned those bars during karaoke. At first she was very cold to me but eventually warmed up and started talking to me again once she realized that I knew and hung out with EVERYONE at those two bars. I never asked about "what happened" but of course the question never left my mind. One day she approached the subject and asked if I would like to know why she never called back. Of course I said "yes" but her explanation was just a superficial excuse. If she ever even knew, then she wasn't saying so.
To tell the truth, when we were seeing each other those few days she acted like she was completely enamored by me. Meanwhile as much as I loved spending time with her, after all it was a wonderful distraction, and very emotionally and physically intimate, but I knew she wasn't the type of person that I wanted a long-term relationship with so I thought that I would have to 'let her go' in a couple of months. As it turns out, she let me go after a few days.
I've lived much more the 'single lifestyle' since then and have seen much crazier things happen since, but at the time that was the most bizarre incident that had ever happened to me (as far as things turning on a dime anyway). I know a lot more about Melanie now, and her inconsistent actions no longer surprise me, but to this day I still don't know why things ended the way that they did. I can speculate. But I never bothered. I was looking forward to continuing my time with her, but at the same time, it didn't matter to me either. I was just living one day at a time back then, and keeping the good times coming so that I wouldn't have to cope with the pain inside that I wasn't ready to face yet.
I do remember calling my friend in Pittsburg back a few days after I stopped talking to Melanie and telling him, "I was wrong man. You are right. It is crazy out there!"
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