A Better Adventure Begins?

Well, I think I've found myself in another new adventure. Maybe. I hope so anyway. Time will tell. So I wanna write a quit blurb along those lines before going back to finish the stories of my past two adventures. I keep finding new adventures before I have a chance to write about the past ones. That is a good thing! :)

I keep going back to my hometown, which is Brandon, Manitoba, for a few reasons. My mother died going on four years ago so my Dad is living alone now and at first I was going back 'home' mostly to spend time with him. That's still the case, but not as much anymore. My brother goes back to spend time with Dad it seems almost every month, and Dad does have dozens and dozens of friends and a lot a relatives in the area so he's by no means alone. I also started a different job about 16 months ago that puts me on the road a lot and also allows me to go to Brandon to work for 3 to 5 weeks at a time. That allows me to spend time with my Dad while working too. On top of that, with this job I now find myself living in Brandon about 2 months a year between October and February. So now I'm more interested in having a social life while in Brandon. I am very different than my family, so as much as I love them, I go absolutely stir-crazy when I have to live with them for more than one or two weeks at a time. It used to be only my brother and mother that drove me nuts, because they were always trying to control me and stop me from living the life that I prefer to live. It used to be that me and Dad were the same type of person and always enjoyed going out and socializing together. Now that Dad is nearly 85 years old though, he has changed a great deal. Acts more like my (late) mother used to, and constantly worries that I'm out doing something reckless and stupid. It's an unfounded fear about 99% of the time. I'm actually very responsible and very selective about who I choose as 'friends'. My family has always had an unfounded fear and worry about me and my choices though. They think poorly of me. Think that I cannot live my own life and choose my own associates wisely enough. They're wrong, and their fears and worries are their problems, not mine. I'm in my 40's and have been living on my own and supporting myself since I was 19 years old. I live my own life how I choose to regardless of how much they criticize and try to stop me.

The truth is that partly due to the fact that I am on the road so much, and partly due to the fact that I haven't settled into a career job where I can meet more 'quality' people, I have more of a 'life' in Brandon than I do in the city where I live. When I first transitioning back to Canada in 2006 and 2007 I would spend a couple months at a time (for a few different reasons) living at my parents house. My mother was driving me crazy with her constant attempts to interfere with how I live, so I would get out of the house a lot. Seeing I hadn't lived in town for 17 years at that point, and didn't know anyone in town except for family, I would hang out at the downtown pubs/ bars. That's where the fun, wild and 'crazy' people would also hang out. Not where the 'respectable' people would go. Lol. I had a lot of fun there and hung out with a number of different types of people. There are two persons who were somewhat 'higher-class' than many of the people downtown, who I befriended and hung out with a lot during those months I was in town. Once I started establishing a life in the city I live in, I stopped spending time in Brandon, going back there only for Christmas and spending time only with family, so we lost touch for four years. But since I started going back there for my job, I've reacquainted with them. I have known them for 9 years now. They are my friends. They are also aboriginal, which doesn't help matters with my family because my family just assumes that unless they know them (like two of my cousin's wives) that all aboriginal people are liars, thieves, and social-degerates. Mind you, they think that way of pretty much anyone who lives a different lifestyle than they do.

So I have my two friends that I can spend time with when I need to get away from my family. But what I would also like, seeing I am in town so much now, is someone fun and attractive that I can date and be intimate with while I'm in town. I would prefer it to be more of an 'actual' relationship that has the potential to grow into something truly 'real', but seeing I don't actually live in town that is a pretty tall order. So, I would happily settle for a temporary 'relationship' for the times when I am in town.

I did temporarily find that with Breda (Lee), and that actually grew into something much more than I ever thought it would. As my 3+ posts about her and our time together does state. Months later, my next time in town, I had a chance encounter with Breda's sister, Melissa, that surprisingly enough did start to develop into a temporary relationship. It was ill-fated and short-lived as her 'intentions' and honesty for that matter was very much questionable. I was aware of the type of woman she can be so it was no surprise to me how things did end. But it was a wonderful experience for the time that it lasted none-the-less. I did make an attempt to rekindle it when I went back at Christmas time, but that was a no-go. Ah, well. There are so many things about Melissa that I do like. I did very much enjoy not only being intimate with her, but also our conversations and her company in general. No regrets! :)

Now I've met someone that seems to be much better than both Breda, and Melissa. At first glance anyway. But there's a lot more to it than meets the eye. Still, it has the potential to be something wonderful, and if not that, then at least another great adventure. We will see. Let's tell the tale to date.

Her name is Sherry. I met her my last couple days in town after Christmas. I had wrapped up working in Brandon for the year, and was partying with my friends the final weekend before heading back to the city where I live. I was with my friend Miles, and we went over to Charlie's (Arlene) place. Her man, Brent was over there tho, and he cannot stand my friendship with Charlie. Is civil and friendly to me, but behind my back just detests me. Mostly because of how much Charlie loves and adores me, but there is an initial reason for why he doesn't like me that goes back to when me and Charlie first met, before Brent was even dating her. I'll save that for another time though. Anyway, though nothing was said, it was very obvious that Brent did not want me and Miles visiting, so we had a couple beers then left to go to the bar. A little while after we got there, I struck up a conversation with Sherry who was standing next to our table. She is very attractive (unusual cheeks though, but quite pretty none-the-less) and apparently she was quite drunk but not noticeably so. She didn't seem any more drunk to me than anyone else at the bar. Anyway, we started talking and the conversation was flowing quite well. I was enjoying myself. Then she bought me a drink. Wow. We talked for nearly an hour, then she took off to talk to some other people that she knew. At some point she did make a point for us to exchange our phone numbers tho. So I had her number. I went back to talking with Miles, and the friend's of his at our table. After a little while I went over to Sherry was and we talked for another hour or so. Then she disappeared for a while but left her drink. I assumed she had gone to the bathroom but in reality she took off. She texted me from home and explained that she "didn't kiss on a first encounter" especially not from the bar. Apparently she hardly ever goes to bars. Once every couple months or so. But she did tell me that she would like to go on a date with me. That was good.

I finished up at the bar with Miles and we went back to his place for a few more drinks. Eventually I crashed there, and when we got up we continued with more conversation and a few more drinks. I was also texting with Sherry, trying to get her to join us. She gave me a maybe later, but never did show. I texted her the next day, but she was at work. The next day I left Brandon to head back to my home. She did text me as I was just about to hit the road tho. So that was good. I texted her a bit along the way as well. its an 11 hour drive. A couple days later, I had an hour to kill, so I sat down n struck up a text conversation with her. Told her I wanted to get to know her more. We texted a little while. I did most of the texting though. Then she disappeared. I had company arriving as well. A couple days later I drove up North for work. When I got settled into my motel, I texted her again. Apparently she broke her knee that day at an accident at work, and the plaster cast was itching like crazy. We talked (texted) about that for a while, then talked (texted) about a bunch of other things. Apparently, she found the concept of a 'text buddy' to be rather bizarre and amusing. Me, on the other hand, don't find it any different than talking. AND I wasn't looking for a text buddy. What I wanted was to get to know her because I was wondering if I should make an extra trip to Brandon, an 11 hour drive, to have that 'first date'. I already knew that I liked her, and that she was hot!

The next evening, we texted all night until after 3:30am. This was a much more 'real' talk. We were 'feeling each other out'. We talked about past relationships, and what we wanted out of future relationships. I found out a little bit about her past and her heritage, and that she likes (or wants) to travel, and doesn't go to bars much and doesn't date people who hang out a lot at bars. This is good, because neither do I. Though when I'm single, I often drink with my friends (and sometimes drink a lot while partying), but I do not want to sit in a bar with my girlfriend or date. I don't want a relationship that revolves around drinking. Not anything past a casual relationship anyway. She also has a ft union job since 1999. Partially owns her own house, and owns her own car. She doesn't do drugs, and generally only drinks on weekends (but can party pretty heavy when she chooses to). She hasn't had many different sexual partners in her life. Never been married but has had two long-term relationships, 8-years (kids w that one - grown now), and 12-years. Both of whom she met thru mutual friends. Both relationships ended poorly, so though she wants to be in a committed relationship, she is also quite leary of men and their commitment to relationships. Apparently, the 12-year relationship ended when her man won big in the lottery. He dumped her and screwed her out of half the money. The additionally f#cked up thing about that (and something to question) is that they owned the house together, and for the past 3 years still live together as roommates but not lovers. And that he doesn't allow her to have men guests over. Hm. Different. And questionable. Ah well. I am VERY MUCH liking this girl though. She also wants a travel companion and is coming out this way in May for a vacation. We decided that we are going to be travel companions, and that in May we will explore this area and the mountains together (I live in Calgary). She also says that I should attend a music festival with her at the end of July and meet her friends. Also says that someday she wants to go to Orlando and hit all the touristy rides. I am very much liking this. Agreed. Definitely. I've been wanting to find a good (and hot) travel companion since I've moved back to Canada.  I like this girl!

We got some sleep the next night but were texting again on Monday and Tuesday. She works during the week though, and goes to bed at 10:00pm on weeknights so we only text until then. On Wednesday we decided that I should use my calling card and call her to actually talk. Turns out I could not call long-distance from my room, but could go to the 24-hour motel office and do it. So I did. We talked for about 90 mins until she had to go to bed. I had also confirmed my schedule for my other job (which also takes me out of town a lot). I don't have to be available for that until Feb. 16th, so that means I can spend a week in Brandon, and even work a little more while out that way. Things are sounding wonderful! BUT, that's when the 'iffy' stuff started to surface. I told her that I would be coming out to Brandon the weekend of Feb. 6th and could stay until the following Sunday. Pretty much the next thing she told me was that she had more x-rays and that her knee wasn't broken after all. When I asked if it was sprained or fractured, she said it was fractured. (Pretty much the same as a break anyway. I hear that it takes even longer for fractures to heal than breaks do.) I found that the 'timing' of telling me that was a bit odd, but I had just asked her how her knee was feeling so let that 'suspision' go. One thing that I had been noting all week though is that she never talked about her broken knee or crutches or cast unless I brought it up, and her activities or life in general didn't seem to be impeded by living on crutches. I also at the time thought it somewhat odd that she could break a knee at work on Friday, and be back to work on Monday. I made a mental note, but for the most part just let it go.

She went out with her daughter on Thursday night, but we were texting again on Friday. She said she was just going to chill at home n have a few drinks, so I suggested mixing my own drink and calling her. We could chill together. She said her roommate was tying up the phone. Then she said that she had a stalker. Apparently an ex-bf was sitting outside across the street from her house and it was freaking her out. She said she was hiding in her room in the dark. Said she was glad she wasn't alone and that her roommate had went out to tell him to take off, but he said there's no harm in sitting there. I asked her when she dated him (because earlier in the week she had told me she hasn't dated in quite some time), and she said  three years ago. So I asked, "and he's just stalking you now?". She said he had been texting her but she always ignored them. I suggested calling the cops, n she said she was thinking about that herself. None of it added up though. Her stories didn't make any sense. Then she said she was really tired so was gonna have a shower to wake her up. She texted me after her shower and we texted a bit but then she seemed to disappear. So I asked if she was still there, and she responded, "Yes, just doing my hair and makeup". So I say, "Oh. You are going out?". She responds, "No. Just always getting ready to do nothing." Also didn't make any sense. Shortly after that she disappeared for the night. Stopped responding to her texts. Ah, well. I just watched a movie and went to bed.

She started texting me the next afternoon. I was still wrapping up at work but was texting back when I wasn't busy. She was being very chatty. I liked it. I wrapped up at work and started texting her from my room. She said she got sick of being around her roommate (her ex) so got a room at the Royal Oak Inn (a decent hotel) for the night. She rented a movie and was going to watch it and chill. I asked if she was having a drink and she said "its in hand". So I say, why don't I mix a drink and call you, so we can talk and have a drink together. She said that there is no land line there. An obvious lie. I've stayed at the Royal Oak Inn before. Its quite a nice hotel. Been in Brandon for 40+ years. There are phones in every room, and you can make long-distance calls charged to your room even. Still, I brushed that off and continued texting with her. We were flirting and having a  good time, and I started being silly and said. "I like pretty girls like you!". She responded with, "Pretty girls like bad boys." I responded with another flirtatious remark, but she didn't respond. Then I started wondering what exactly she meant by her statement, and asked her what she thought that I was. No response. In fact, I never heard a word from her the rest of the night. Her last text was at 9:10p (her time).

So now I'm wondering, WTF? She plays herself off all week as this sincere, sweet and innocent-type of girl. One that doesn't want to date someone who's always partying and drinking at bars. One who doesn't want a 'player' in her life that is going to deceive her and dump her for a 'better offer'. Then she tells an obvious lie to me so I won't call her. Then she makes this seemingly snide comment that seemed to imply that she'd rather be with a 'bad boy' than with me. Couple that with the other things she had said during the week that just didn't add up so seemed like they were lies, and the fact that she still lives (for the past 3 years) with her ex of 12 years, and all-of-a-suddenly I'm seriously questioning who this girl even is? Has she just been playing with me all week? To what end though? How actually honest is she? And how much of what she has been telling me all week is even true? I was no longer sure. I'm still not sure. She's starting to sound like a player herself. But, that doesn't make any sense either, because she has her own job, her own money, - has offered to pay her own way when we travel. She has nothing to gain from me from lying. However, I am definitely NOT the naïve love-struck school-boy that lots of lower-class fools often mistake me for. If someone is fool enough to try and play a game with me, they always lose, - because I am definitely much smarter and more aware and more strategic than they are. Still, I do hate playing games.

So, I send a longer text to Sherry, spelling everything all out to her. That yes, I am nice. When its warranted. But I definitely am not naïve or inexperienced, and that I can be equally 'bad' when its appropriate or warranted as well. That I don't care what she does or who she does it with when she is not with me. At this point, its none of my business. She's not my gf. We haven't even had a first date yet. That yes, I do like her, and do want to have sex with her, and do want to be f#ck buddies, and am open to seeing if a more committed relationship does develop. BUT I will not tolerate being lied to. There's no reason to lie. You don't have to. That I'm okay with whatever relationship she chooses us to have. Committed. Casual. F#ck-buddies. More. Less. Whatever. It's all good. Just don't disrespect me by lying to me.

It makes sense to me that she wasn't alone at the hotel. Seeing she cannot have male company at her house (due to ex being her roommate), she would have to rent a room to be with someone. Probably was at the hotel both Friday and Saturday night. That's why she didn't want me to call her (both nights) and why she kept making up those stories that just didn't add up. Fact is, I don't care if she wasn't alone. We are not in a relationship. We haven't even had a first date yet, so its none of my business what she does when she's not with me. I would like a relationship to form between us. At least in some capacity or another and we have talked quite a bit about all those possibilities. But, that's the future. If there comes a time that we do decide that we would like to be in a more committed relationship, then I would care more about what she's doing and who she's doing it with when not with me. But we're not at that point, and there's a good chance we never will be. Time will tell. I told her all of that too.

So I'm setting up at work the next morning (Sunday) and she texts me a casual "Good Morning lol". I'm still leary because she was lying to me and now I don't know what if any of the things she told me in the past week were lies or honesty. Essentially I'm wondering if I even know anything about her at all. I ask her how her night was, and she says she went down to the pool and swam most of the night. So I say, "Isn't that kind of difficult with a fractured knee? Or has there been some sort of phenomenal recovery?" She still plays along and says that is possible, and maybe she was just moving around and not swimming. So I say, "In a plaster cast?". She continues her game and says that she had a bag over it and didn't care if it got wet. So finally I tell her to just stop with the lies and to be honest with me. I lay into her about whether any of the things she's told me were true, and questioned how honest she actually was. We talked it out. She assures me that she is honest and sincere. Pretty hard for me to be convinced of that. But I spell it out how it makes it seem like she`s deceitful and perhaps trying to play me ( - though once again she would have nothing to gain by it. She has her own money and everything else.) I basically spell out that we can be anything we choose to be for each other as long as were open and honest about it. Then I asked her if she did truly want me to come to Brandon to see her next week. She said ``Yes``. So we agree that is what I am going to do. It was a good talk actually. Kind of cleared the air between us. I felt better and the mood started to get lighter between us again.Then she texts me a while later to see what I`m doing. I`m still working but text her back. Then she asks me if I want a photo of her. I say ``yes``. So she asks if I want one with clothes on or off? I say "both". So she sends me a picture of her topless wearing jeans. F#cken amazing body! I also noted that she did not have a cast on at all, and was standing normal with both legs. Then the picture she sent me with clothes on she was wearing shorts, and her knees were both completely fine. I never bothered to bring that up. But why would you lie about something like that? Eventually I may ask her. But not until we have spent some time and gotten closer to one another. If that ever happens that is.

So I am not sure what is going to go down this weekend when I go to Brandon. She has been very distant ever since and very hard to get any answers from her about what she wants us to do on our date. Once in a while she will text with you and have a bit of a chat, but most of the time she has just been using one or two word answers (when she answers at all) and often only texts you when she is at work so cannot chat. I am half expecting her to stand me up once I get to Brandon. Still not sure. BUT I finally did get her to open up a little yesterday. She told me there has been a lot going on with her this week, and there was an incident that happened with her in January that has gotten her more cautious lets say. But she did say that we are going to spend Saturday alone together. That is very positive! So I guess I will just have to ride it out and see what happens when I get to Brandon.

She's disappeared again. I'm supposed to be meeting up with her tomorrow afternoon but she hasn't responded to me since Wednesday afternoon (2 days ago). So I guess I'll find out tomorrow one way or another. Unfortunately, I've seen this scenario (or others very similar) very many times before. The part that gets me is how much this situation is so very much like my situation with Heather. A girl I briefly dated and fell in love with about 11 years ago. I was going to talk about it, but it would take too much time, so I'll save most of it for another post.

In a nutshell though, I met Heather and things seemed to be going great. She was attractive, educated, had a reasonably professional job, caring, and liked to go out and do things like sing karaoke. She seemed exactly the type of person I wanted in my life. I was very much liking her. It also seemed like we were both going thru the same 'periods' of our lives, just that I was a year ahead of her in everything we were both going through. It didn't take me long to start falling for her.

Her extremely unhealthy and abusive marriage supposedly broke up a year earlier when her husband (at the time a police officer) won big in the lottery. Then he bought a bunch of low income rental properties and basically became somewhat of a slumlord. He had dumped Heather, his wife, but they had a one year old child together, so were still 'linked' to each others lives. Heather was also living in one of his properties for free, and he was still the owner of the car she had. In reality, he was still controlling her and making sure she never 'strayed' from him (even though he dumped her). Long story short, even though she was a wonderful and honest person at heart she was always covering up what her life really was so was a chronic liar. About pretty much everything. Always making up stories that weren't quite true, and always had reasons that we couldn't see each other or why she always had to leave at certain times, or not stay very long. She talked at lengths about how much she wanted to be with me but always had reasons why she couldn't. Still we started spending more time together, and becoming intimate, and eventually sexual (though it was very 'reserved' on her part. ie. She didn't allow herself to orgasm. Always stopped herself before she came. Once we started to get closer, she started to get more and more distant and our once long, personal and intimate conversations started getting shorter and shorter and more and more distant. Still, she did fall for me as well. We both admitted that we were in love with each other.

Once that happened, she basically freaked out. Essentially she was so traumatized by her supposedly ex, that she couldn't bear getting close to anyone because it made her too vulnerable and she was terrified of going thru again what her husband had put her thru. (Actually, was still putting her thru.) So once she fell in love with me, she couldn't see me. She barely talked to me on the phone anymore. Constantly stood me up when we were supposed to get together. Just didn't show up about 90% of the time we had plans. Usually would only call me from her work so she could keep the conversation non-intimate and say after 10 minutes that she has to go back to work. Once in a while she would admit that she did love me but was just to terrified to love again. Its those honest times that we would be together again and be open and honest for that moment. They were too few and too far between though so after 3 weeks of that, I finally sat down with her and said we should just admit that we are not in a relationship anymore and if she just wasn't ready for it, we should step away until she was. This devastated her and then she wouldn't see or talk to me at all anymore. But it had to be done. It devastated me too. I had to break up with the woman I loved because she was also in love with me.

I've had much more experiences in ways similar to what I'm currently going thru with Sherry as well. Let's see, aside from Heather, there was also Hollie, Koosje, and the very first time was with another Sherry. But unlike my time with Heather where we actually did briefly get into a real relationship, then other ones ended before they really started. Like my current situation with Sherry is looking like.
Mind you, there was some lovely intimate times and they all looked like they were going to go somewhere. But nope. Too much unresolved trauma.

There are reasons why attractive and seemingly wonderful (and seemingly responsible) people are single. They are too wrapped up in the quagmire of their trauma-filled pasts.

Ah well. There are a lot of damaged people out there living very unhealthy lives. Such is life. I'll just ride this one out. See where it goes. See if I can at least get some good sex out of the deal. And walk away if I have to. Unfortunately, I'm too used to having experiences with people who are traumatized from past relationships and cannot stop themselves from living an unhealthy life. Hm. Whatever.

The 'Right' Path? (with additional sidebars and disclaimers)

Okay, seeing I've sort of gotten on this topic, I guess I will continue to go on a tangent and add a bit more background detail before continuing with my prior stories/ perspectives/ thoughts. I want to talk a bit more about what I mean when I use the term 'loser' and add some more about my evolution of perspectives.

Let's look at how I was originally raised to believe by my immediate family. I was raised to believe that the number one priority in the world (aside from love of family) is to build a solid financial foundation for yourself. Everyone outside of a marriage has to get a paying job (not necessarily a great paying job or super responsible one, but a paying job none-the-less), and then proceed to save money week after week and build a 'cushion' of wealth for yourself. In a marriage or family, at least one person has to be doing that so that the whole family has that financial cushion or comfort. That's priority one. Security. Financial security.

Mind you, one thing to also understand is that my Dad was the youngest of 6 brothers and he was born in 1930. His oldest brother was born in 1914. Mom was the youngest of 5 siblings, and was born in 1935. So, they did see hardship. They lived thru the Great Depression as well as World War II. Dad's oldest brother was even alive during the First World War. That would tend to leave a psychological imprint on the importance of money, stability and comfort. I suppose that is one little sidebar to consider.

Of course its also very important to love your family and show tremendous love, loyalty, and support towards them. That is very good. In fact, its all wonderful, and very secure, and also very practical. 'Practical' being a very key word to describe my upbringing. The one thing that a large number of my family members (immediate and extended family alike) don't show a lot of priority or emphasis on is in passion or passionate love, or even displays of passion or even displays of intimacy. To my family, everything is practical. We have tremendous love for one another, but its all a 'family' love. No passion. Passion for the most part is frowned upon. I guess its just not practical enough.

A number of my family members, not only the older ones like my parents, aunts and uncles, but also a large number of my cousins stopped showing physical affection to one another years and years and years ago. For the most part, most passion, including even kissing your spouse pretty much ended (entirely) around the age of 40ish. After that, its simply raising a family (if you have one), building a home, and building a solid financial foundation. Once again, lots of love amongst spouses and family, and emotional affection (though rarely displayed, especially in public), but very little if any physical affection (beyond hugging and holding that is - actually, even that is often rare). Not even kissing. Its not important. Love, - yes. Passion and intimacy, - no. Passion is not frowned upon so long as its not visible, and so long that it doesn't get in the way of the practical business of securing a comfortable financial future. But its not regarded as having any importance to the 'family structure'.

So, the way I was raised by my immediate family is to make sure you are always living comfortably but usually rather frugally, and always building and saving money. If you are not doing that, you are wasting your life, and living like a 'loser'. In other words, if you are not building a cushion of money, then you are a 'loser'. Other 'losers' can live that way. But we certainly cannot. Not only that though. Emphasis is also on building a secure and solid 'life' and/ or family structure. That's by also living productively (not destructively). Being a 'good' and honest person, being hard-working (relates to the money topic), showing support and goodwill to those around you, and also maintaining a proper 'image'. ie. Not doing things like being obnoxious, not being drunk in public, not doing drugs of any kind, not being aggressive or loud or rude, and never fighting. Generally, being a 'good' person and NEVER deviating from this structure. Ever. Even things like not going to bed at night, or not getting up in the morning are scrutinized. Stupid things like that even when they have no relevance to your life or schedule. Its just what the 'good' people do.

Though I have rebelled against many of these staid and rigid beliefs that I have been raised with, this upbringing with the emphasis on saving money and building a comfortable financial cushion does have significant impact on my own perceptions. (I've always been the 'black sheep' when it comes to passion, intimacy and sex though. That is an important priority to me. Not the only priority, but a significant one. Just saying.) So, when I am expressing that a person is a 'loser', I'm often referring to their 'lifestyle' not necessarily them per se. Often I'm also more referring to the fact they have no money and are not taking steps to build more money. Or just living a destructive or obnoxious, or dishonest lifestyle is also someone I would generally call a loser. Money or not. Because, from my upbringing, that's what a 'loser' is. Mind you, because I've grown up with the perception and the word itself of 'loser' (mostly by my older brother. He's extremely judgemental, and sadly enough, usually wrong) it is a word common in my vocabulary, and has a great multitude of meanings. There is somewhat of a grey area when I talk about 'loser' and 'loser lifestyle'. Often I do not think a person is a loser per se, but rather that they are currently living a loser lifestyle. So, are being a loser. Or I'm really referring to only certain aspects of them, and not the person as a whole. It's a fine line. I grew up with a pretty inflexible and quite judgmental upbringing (more so from my brother and mother, but also from much of my other family.) Regardless of how much I grow and learn from my own experiences, which makes me more and more flexible and open-minded, I still am quite judgemental. In fact, I have a very heavy emphasis on levels of ignorance and social skills or adaptability that is often more judgemental than my family. But that's me. It is just part of my upbringing. BUT I am more flexible than most of my family. Many or most of them just think a person that doesn't conform to their standard of 'normal' is pretty much a loser. Once again my brother (and also late mother) were some of the worst for that.

I also have spent a great deal of time throughout the past 27 years focussing on, observing, and studying 'self' and of cause-and-affect psychology particularly when it comes to trauma that also makes me analyze where a person's particular character traits originate from. I know that hardly anybody considers this when they are expressing their behavior/ reacting to stimuli so I often consider a person's ignorance factor towards self, and can be a little more forgiving or certain behavior if I feel the trauma that is causing it is significant or deep enough. But then again, I also frown upon ignorance, - especially self-ignorance, so there is a fine line in regards to my tolerance to trauma-prompted behavioral traits as well. It depends. Haven't fully determined what it ALL depends on though. Ah well.

My family's views are, and probably always will be, very staid and rigid when it comes to 'how' to 'judge' a person. ie. The criteria of what makes a person a 'good' person, a 'respectable' person, or a 'loser'. My views/ perceptions on the subject is always in a state-of-flux. I continue to experience new things, learn the lives and perspectives of a varying group of people, - even continue to befriend a varying group of people. What I'm also continuing to learn/ teach myself is how not to 'judge' at all. I am much less judgemental than I used to be, and my acceptance level of all the different perspectives and lifestyles of all the different people I spend time with continues to grow and evolve. The more time I spend NOT with family also is a great aid to this, for they are even more judgemental towards me than they are to anyone else 'out there'. When I spend time with them (because I do love them and do cherish the strength and beauty that I gain from their love), they are constantly trying to stop me from learning and growing, and are constantly trying to stop me from associating with (in their beliefs) the 'wrong type' of person (ie. the losers), and are constantly trying to get me to conform to the views that I was raised to believe. To their rigid and judgemental views. They judge and fear any view or lifestyle that is not their own. Even more so, they are worried and terrified that I have 'lost my way' and am becoming or have become 'a loser'. Once again, they don't understand, as I do, that you don't have to pick only one perspective, or view, or lifestyle (one 'way' to be) and stick with it. Rather you can decide to live many or even all (or most) of the different lifestyles and have a varying degree of perspectives or understandings and still not 'lose your way' and still be a 'decent' and responsible person. The path to 'truth' is probably to learn how to not judge at all. To just 'be', and to allow others to just be as well.

With that said, I will never be as rigid in my beliefs than the rest of my family, or as the environment that I was raised in, but I will never be entirely without judgement. I don't know if I'd want to be. Time will tell I suppose. I do believe that everyone has the right to do whatever they want, and live how ever they want, so long as their words, thoughts or actions do not infringe upon those same rights of anyone else. BUT, I also do believe that there is a 'better' or even 'best' way to live. A better or best lifestyle. One that creates happiness and contentment and self-healing, and is productive to self and even to society in general. However, a person must be free to find or choose or live their own 'path' towards that state of being. Or to whatever state of being they choose to move towards. If their path is too destructive, or too 'lost' and they never find their way, then so be it. Their path is still their own choice to make.

I guess the bottom line, beyond anything else I have written in my past few posts is that I think that everyone should find or choose their own path towards what they consider a 'successful' life. We have the right to define our own definition for 'success'. I personally believe that a successful life, is one where you have found happiness, and contentment, and are free of your pain and past trauma. You are just happy. If you have found that, then more power to you. You have been very very successful. It doesn't matter what path you took to get there. The thing that matters is that you are there. Congratulations. Very very few people ever have or ever will achieve that. I know that I'm not there yet. But I continue to work towards it. Or at least continue to try to work towards it. AND I am finding and choosing my own path to get there. Everyone else, including myself should just step aside and allows others to do the same. So there! Ahmen. 

:)

Awareness (then a huge tangent of disclaimers)

I'll take a little time to describe how I feel my 'awareness' came from and perhaps along the way it will describe a little bit about what I consider 'aware' to even be.

What I touched on in my prior post is that I am naturally analytical and analyze everything. That's just part of the things I was born with. How I am. So, at a very early age, I started thinking about all the views and perspectives and beliefs around me and continually questioned everything. 'Why?' or 'How come?' were questions that were always in my thoughts. By the time I was about 10 years old, I started to internally question all the things I had been taught. About religion, about the concepts of 'proper' or 'right and wrong' and topics along those lines. I also started trying to look at things from the views and perspectives of others and to try and understand how and why everyone around me thought. Once again, how and why everyone thought the way that they did. Why the things that were 'right' or 'proper' were that way. Likewise, why the things that were 'wrong' or 'improper' were that way as well. Regardless of what I was 'taught', I would think hard on what I truly believed and form my opinions based on that. Its not that this was a conscious decision to be this way, nor was I aware of it. Once again, its just how I naturally am.

Questioning everything is one way to build awareness. I do believe. An even better way to build awareness is by being exposed to different viewpoints/ mindsets or opinions and even more so from being exposed to varying experiences.

As I talked about in my last post, having a differing mindset than my parents (especially mother) and older brother also enabled me to understand that people do think and feel differently, so at an early age it started opening my eyes to the differences in people and environments and how that affects or changes judgement or ideas. Once again, being a child/ teenager I was not conscious of this awareness but it was sinking in none-the-less. Don't get me wrong, as touched on in the last post, I did believe in what I was being taught by my parents and their/ my immediate environment (same  as everyone) and I still believe in that. Some of the basic 'truths' the I grew up with were in honesty, integrity, loyalty, hard work, determination, and in goodwill to family, friends, and anyone around you. That is still me. Your family, AND family 'name' was also very important to all of us. A sense of pride, and a name that had to be honoured and 'lived up to'. That is also still very important to me. Same as everyone in my not only immediate family, but in all of my relatives (and ancestors for that matter). That is me. That is us. BUT because I had a tendency to look at a 'bigger picture' (shall we say) at even quite a young age, and to look at things not only thru how me and my family viewed it, but also how a variety of others believed and viewed things it made my perspectives, understanding, and outlook a little bit different than my family (who were my initial teachers). This in itself gave me a basis of 'awareness' that there is not only one way to look at and consider situations, beliefs, or events. Rather there are many ways. I believe that this gave me the initial basis of awareness at an early age. Then the fact that this perspective made me think differently and at many times had me disagree with how my parents and brother thought, it also furthered my capability to question what I'd been 'taught' and as a result to see things differently. More openly. Made me more aware.

Another thing that would be useful to note is that not only is the age difference between me and my parents greater than usual, - my Dad was 40 and mother was 35 years old when they had me, but also they were the youngest of five and four siblings respectively so my entire family (save my older brother) were all much older than me. By the time I was born, my parents were two generations older than me, my cousins were 9 to 22 years older than me, my aunts and uncles were 40 to 55 years older than me, and my grandparents (if still alive) were 75 to 85 years older than me. This also set me apart from the rest of my family, who of course were my initial teachers and role models. This I do believe also contributed to me thinking or perceiving a little bit 'beyond' how I was taught to believe, and made me more let's say, 'open minded'. On top of that, it also meant that ever since I was born most of the people I spent time with and socialized with (outside of school and sports that is) were quite a bit older than me. In comparison, my cousins were around the same age as most people's aunts or uncles. My parents and aunts and uncles were often the same age as other persons grandparents. It even gave me a different 'perspective' about death even. Because my family is all so much older than me, I have been watching mine and my family's loved ones die (of old age) ever since I was born. I am just as familiar and comfortable with death as I am with life. I feel no ill towards death. It just seems very natural to me. That also gives me somewhat of a different perspective than most people have. I believe it also contributes to a 'heightened' awareness.

These age differences between me and my family also contribute to me having different perspectives than my parents and family (initial teachers) and also contribute to me being able to not only at an early age look beyond what I've been taught, but also to start forming 'alternate' lives. I was too young to not have a teacher/ student relationship with my parents and family, so couldn't openly state my differences or disagreements with how they showed/ taught me to believe and behave, but at the same time had to follow what I did truly believe. Rather than oppose them, I just adopted both or multiple views and multiple ways of thinking/ living. That was the basis at an early age of my desire and need to live multiple lives or perspectives at the same time. Perhaps anyway.

Similar with my peers at school or sports. My familiarity with spending a lot of time with many people older than me, mixed with my multiple ways of viewing situations or ideas led me to think differently that most of the people my own age and led me to concealing parts of my perspectives, thoughts, and beliefs. I have always been a very social creature and made friends very easily at school with the kids my own age, and didn't want to be different than they were, so I acted as they acted, and conversed only as they did. Meanwhile I had much more perspective and thought going on in my mind. I kept that all to myself. I sort of felt like they hadn't caught up to me yet. So even in my own mind, I had different worlds where I simultaneously lived. All my life I have often or always concealed parts of my thoughts and perspectives as well as outwardly (not truly though) adapted the thoughts, actions, and perspectives of those around me so that I can enjoy myself during the time that I spend with them. It wasn't until I got to university and started spending time with other like-minded people that I could actually open up and talk freely about what I truly thought and believed. Before that, it didn't seem to me that anyone around me would be able to understand me. Correct or not, I guess I felt like they still needed to catch up to how I thought. I guess I still feel that way about most (not all) of the people in many (not all) of the circles I spend time with, as I have always mixed with a large variety of people from various ages, backgrounds, and environments.

Let me take another sidebar for a moment to once again add a disclaimer related to my prior post. Anyone that I felt could think, comprehend, and converse at a 'varied' level, I considered an equal and a peer. Ability to think, comprehend, and convey thoughts is what is most important to me. Intelligence. As well, those intelligent people that also were sociable and could easily interact in public were the ones I liked, admired, and wanted to spend time with. Discipline was also a very admirable quality to me. That's why I loved university so much. I especially liked the people who were in a more professional or directed course of study such as the maths or sciences, commerce, engineering, or any Masters or Ph.D level programs. Even better if they kept active and physically fit or at least in decent shape. To tell the truth, I can get along with and 'like' anyone (provided they are not too obnoxious or rude) but the ones I really liked and admired were the ones who were intelligent, especially if they were also aware, sociable, and disciplined (or 'directed' is a good word too). The rest I felt still had to 'catch up' and also felt many if not most of the 'others' weren't smart enough to ever 'catch up'. Another disclaimer though, is that as the years have gone by, and I've gotten older, more aware, and more mature and also spent more and more time with a great variety of people I do realize that my views were skewed and yes, - wrong. I doubt that anyone (provided they do respect the people around them) are better or superior than anyone else. I know that I am contradicting myself btw. But the more variety of people I get to truly know and the more mature I get, the more I realize that everyone is wonderful, and powerful, and beautiful all in their own way. And that we are all affected good and/ or bad from the circumstances, situations and traumas that we are subjected to and live. I do grow. I do learn. Continuously. That growth and learning curve is one of the things that I want to convey in my writings. Natural growth that comes from learning and experience. However, seeing I am on the topic, I will touch on what I was saying a little further (and continue to sidebar from the initial topic of my post).

Like I was saying, pretty much everyone that I find to be of 'adequate' intelligence I respected and considered to be my 'peers'. 'Equals' lets say. I've always used my perceptions of the concept of  'intelligent'. Basically, anyone that could think in a manner that I consider intelligent and convey those thoughts in conversation. Also it was always important to me that people think and convey thoughts in an objective and 'open-minded' manner. So they can consider other perspectives and ideas regardless of whether they fully agreed with those thoughts, perspectives, or ideas. I use university as an example a lot because that is where I met the most intelligent and open-minded people in my life. In reality, I don't care if someone has a university education or not (per se), - what I do care about is if they can have intelligent open-minded thoughts, and convey them in conversation or discussion. Most of the people I have met outside of university, - even most of the people I have met in the work-force I have considered to be either rather close-minded, one-minded, simple-minded, ignorant, unobjectionable, or just plain stupid. They seemed that way to me anyway. Mind you, that was more a reflection of the project teams that I had a tendency to get mixed with. Most of them were ten to twenty years older than me, and obviously were hired long before actual 'skill-level' was the primary hiring consideration. I was often brought in to handle a lot of the workload that they couldn't do, so had a tendency to work around a number of people that I often consider 'inadequate'. Often anyway. Then in the past 14 years, its been even worse because I meet a lot of the people I have talked to or associated with at pubs or bars. Even the coworkers I considered unintelligent were light years ahead of the 'bar crowd' in regards to open-thought, or just plain ability for thought. Its even worse since I've moved back to Canada because I've so far given up my professional career, so most of my coworkers are even less intelligent, less skilled, and have less integrity than the professional coworkers I used to have. So, when I do talk of 'intelligent people' I do have a tendency to refer back to university or university references. A bit of prejudice on my part I suppose. Ah well.

Mind you, the main reason that I have been hanging out at bars and pubs the past 14 years is mostly because it is different lifestyles and different perspectives than my peers at home and/ or at work. My professional work back then anyway. Keep in mind that most of the people I knew as friends, coworkers, or family were all 'professional' people with professional jobs, and 'married' lifestyles. They didn't associate with people unlike themselves, and didn't go to bars or pubs. They had family lives. Honesty and integrity are mainstays, and to lie or cheat or steal or deceive would be to lower yourself to a substandard level and would make you a much lesser human being (I still believe in that btw.)The women are not promiscuous and generally will only have sex with their steady partners (if even that) and everyone lives 'proper' and 'respectable' lifestyles. Pretty staid. Once again, that was pretty much the way I was raised, and always has been and continues to be what I consider my 'actual' lifestyle, regardless of which lifestyles I have been 'visiting' the past bunch of years. With that in mind, a number of the people that I have been associating with in the past bunch of years that spend all their social time in bars/ pubs, or drinking, or doing drugs I've always considered to be more-or-less 'losers', or at least living a 'loser lifestyle'. With that said, I have often wanted to 'escape' reality for a spell, and also experience different lifestyles of perspectives and have gladly joined that lifestyle. BUT all the while, my attitude is that I'm hanging with the 'losers' and living their 'loser lifestyle'. Then, when I'm ready to 'go back' to my regular lifestyle, I simply walk away from it and 'go home'. There is a great freedom in the fact that you do not care about what the people around you think, or what they think of you for that matter. That way you can do anything you want, and be anyone you want for as long as you feel like it and it will not affect your 'real world' because nobody from that world will ever know about it, or ever know or even associate with anyone from this 'loser' lifestyle that I have been playing in. I have always considered it my 'playground'. Once you're immersed, it does get much more 'complex' than that though. Especially once you start getting to know and forming friendships (or perhaps 'forms' of friendships) with a number of them (generally the 'higher-class' of the people in this lifestyle, but still living a 'loser' lifestyle none-the-less). When you start making friends with some of them, and start spending time with each other more in our 'own' worlds rather than just at the bar things do change somewhat. Somewhat. Not all though. Regardless, this is my 'attitude' from the start when I do join 'this world' and live the pub/ bar lifestyle. I consider them losers. I consider myself acting out, or 'playing' the loser lifestyle, and enjoying the freedom of it. But, admittedly, I've always considered myself and/ or my 'actual' lifestyle to be much 'superior' to them. Right or wrong, that is how I started out feeling about it, and for the most part still feel that way. Just saying.

More disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer. One again, this is how I used to feel about things. BUT for the most part, still feel this way. Partly anyway. Maybe mostly still. It's hard to say. It is partly how I was raised. To believe that one particular way of living and/ or thinking is 'right' and 'proper' and the rest just "doesn't measure up" the same way. Is an 'improper' way of living/ thinking/ being. I've spent most of my life questioning that mentality and a great portion of my life living experiences outside of what I was taught to be 'acceptable' in an effort to not only understand alternate thinking or alternate lifestyles but also to experience them for the 'awareness' and perspectives that one gains from them. In living alternate ways of thinking or doing things (living), my perspectives have changed - have grown. So yes, I say it's a 'loser' lifestyle, but that's probably not quite exactly how I feel about it. Probably not quite the best way to describe it. But its not entirely inaccurate about how I think of it either. It's really difficult to say. In living different lifestyles, and even more importantly in getting to know and even becoming friends with a number of people that do think and live differently than how I have been raised has made me understand better, - made me much more aware and has changed my perspectives. The whole point of the 'exercise' to begin with I suppose. I also contradict myself by saying that I do not agree with how I was raised to believe that one way is 'right', and all else is 'wrong', then go ahead and calling all other lifestyles 'loser' lifestyles. It is a little difficult to explain. Difficult to even fully understand I suppose. I don't consider all these people 'losers'. Some perhaps.  Before I experienced different ways of living and thinking I suppose I mostly did consider these people 'losers' or at least as I've said, at least considered them living a 'loser' lifestyle. Upbringing mostly, - I suppose. I am somewhat haughty towards the perspectives I was raised with. That is true. Still even now. Whatever. But I will say that with different experiences, and especially with knowing people with different perspectives, my own viewpoints have changed. Have grown. So I guess it is all still formulating. Still in a state of flux. I guess I just don't fully know. Sort of. Or something like that. I guess I'll just have to keep living and continue to figure out exactly what it is I do truly believe. What it is I'm even trying to say. We'll think and talk more and more and more about this as I learn and grow and live. For now, we'll leave it at that.

Okay, back to the original topic. Actually, this diarrhea of thought has gone off on such a jumbled tangent of disclaimers that I think I will end this post here and pick up the next post with a continuation of the original topic/ thought on 'awareness'. Next time then!  :)