Escape and More on Self and Others

I suppose I should take some time to describe my concept of 'escape' and the role that it plays on my (and I figure pretty much everyone else's) life. I know through much of these posts I've been pretty much describing a life where I live and hang out with a variety of 'partially dysfunctional' types of people. That is true too. And I do realize that I am also living a partially dysfunctional life right along side them. But there is a reason for that. Its pretty much the same reason why anyone is 'partially dysfunctional' I do believe. We are all escaping. In some way, in some sense, I believe that everyone is. Just in very many varying degrees. Let me explain what I'm trying to say.

I had some degree of trauma as a child, and even as a young adult. Not what I would consider severe or even terribly bad trauma. Worse than a lot of people but not anything truly horrible like a great number of people had been put thru. But we all experience some forms of trauma in our lives, and as much as very many people aren't even consciously aware of it, it affects us. It continues to affect us throughout our entire lives. Until we take the time and conscious effort to heal from it. I've done quite a bit of spiritual study throughout the past 20+ years as well. Not religious study per se. More along the lines of metaphysical and so called 'new age'. Spiritual concepts, meditation, and even ceremony to communicate or connect more with 'spirit'. During these teachings and sometimes even ceremonies I have touched or learned more of the topic of trauma and healing and it is a very deep issue. Not one that I will delve into during this post. Perhaps a different post someday. What I will say is that 'escape' does relate closely to the topic of trauma as well as other related things not nearly as severe or deep.

At an early age I became aware of ways that I was 'acting out' that were very different than how I truly felt and truly thought that I was. That led me to a deeper analysis of self and why I behave the ways that I do. Which led to an analysis of when these 'behaviors' originated and why. This put me on a life-long observation and self-study of cause-and-affect psychology, affects of trauma on self, and of the concept of 'escape'.

I figure that we all have what we pretty much consider our 'normal' lives. Full of everything. Love, happiness, joy, pain, sorrow, hardships, and everything else in between. Sometimes life is complicated, or hard, or painful, or confusing, or perhaps mundane or boring. We don't always want to deal with it. Sometimes we need a distraction. An 'escape'. Lots of things are forms of escape. Even something simple like taking a break, clearing our heads, doing something 'different'. Anything to get our minds off of what is either troubling, pressuring, annoying, or even just 'uninspiring' us (in lack of a better word). Having fun is even one of the best ways of escape. And its fun too! Lol. Now fun and distraction can take many forms. Some helpful and healthy, - others not so healthy.

The point is that in order for our minds to function or perhaps at least to maintain our own sanity, the mind needs periods of rest. Not the type of rest/ repair it gets through sleep and dreaming but I mean a rest from thinking, or rest from various troubles or concerns, or just to do/ think/ focus on something different than the 'ordinary'. Or maybe just different stimulation to give perhaps a 'variety' to our 'regular' mental processes or mundane activities or whatever.

At any rate, we need to 'distract' it, or 'rest' it, or give it some form or variety I suppose. This is why we need to 'take a break', especially if you are doing something mentally taxing or on the opposite scale mentally boring. So we vary the things we think about or focus on. This could be as simple as looking out the window, or else reading a book or article, or watching tv, or even just thinking about something different for a while or daydreaming. Or it could be a little more 'involved' or 'intense' such as using mind-altering (or body altering) chemicals or drugs such as cigarettes, alcohol, or using/ abusing more severe drugs. These are all forms of distraction. Distraction of the mind. And distraction can also lead to 'escape'. Which is just a more intense or lengthy form of distraction.

The 'danger' of escape though, is that it can lead to 'alternate' forms of reality or illusions or delusions. Perception or mis-perception can also play a hand in this, but we'll probably leave that topic alone for now. (Though 'perception' is just as big or maybe even bigger topic than 'escape' is. Maybe I'll try to delve into it at a later time.) Now let's say for instance, you've experience one or more terrible/ horrendous forms of trauma in your life. Worse so if it were experienced during childhood before you've had a chance to understand who you are, or how things in 'life' work, or the difference from 'right' or 'wrong'. While you are innocent and/or impressionable and/or vulnerable anyway. All trauma affects our minds and bodies for life. More so if the trauma was horrendous, and even more so the younger and more vulnerable you are when it happens/ happened.

The problem with very many people is that either their trauma was/ is so severe that they do not want to or just cannot cope with it. They cannot face it because it is too painful or perhaps makes them feel too shameful (only guessing) or just that is was simply too unpleasant so they never want to think about or deal with it. They don't even want to acknowledge that it exists. So rather than facing it, and/ or admitting it, and/ or dealing with it so they can heal, they instead run from it. Live a constant life of escape. These are usually the people who fall into a life of drug or alcohol abuse, or perhaps some other form of self-abuse or at least a life that is unhealthy and potentially destructive to themselves or others. Sometimes forever. Rather than face their trauma, or the memory of their trauma, they live in permanent escape. Never acknowledging that they are in pain. Never acknowledging that they do need healing.

Most people do not fully understand or comprehend how severely trauma affects us. And affects us for the rest of our lives if we do not take measures to truly heal from it. Most of us will simply 'push' the memory of the trauma aside and try to act like it never happened. Determine that its over and then proceed to going on with our lives. More sever trauma is so 'unpleasant' or 'horrifying' that people will often repress the memory entirely or at least pretend it never happened and try to tell themselves that it either didn't happen or that it didn't matter and doesn't affect them. These are more severe forms of escape in themselves. And the pain that is being repressed and never allowed to heal will severely affect a person until it is healed. Seeing its never addressed or often not even acknowledged, then it will never heal and therefore will have adverse affect to that person for their entire lives.

Now you've got this unresolved or unacknowledged pain that is being ignored and repressed that is eating away and damaging you. Most people are even unaware of the pain. That its affecting them. Damaging them. Eating at them and making them feel or think worse. They aren't even aware of it, or aware of what is causing these thoughts/ behaviors/ reactions/ emotions or whatever. The cause of their 'ills' are totally unknown, and totally unseen, and even the fact that they have pain or 'ills' at all is often totally unknown to them. Without even knowing that you are in pain, you would never know about finding the 'root' or 'basis' of this pain. Let alone taking the time and effort to actually start or more-so complete the healing process from it so that it will no longer be affecting or hurting you.

Pretty much everyone has these forms of trauma within them that is affecting and/ or hurting them and the greater majority of people have no awareness of it what-so-ever. Often the 'distractions' or 'escape' that we do is not just to take a temporary break from 'reality' or just from 'thinking', but its an attempt to escape from the pain and 'suffering' inside of them that they are mostly unaware of and/ or have no idea what is causing it. This is what drives many people's need for distraction or escape and many times this is what leads to more severe and/ or unhealthy forms of escape such as severe (or even functional) drug and alcohol abuse, or forms of self-degradation or loathing as well. Especially if a person does not have the 'basis' or strength to deal with the pain from the severe trauma they've experienced. That's the situation that Breda (and countless thousands of others like her) is faced with. So I believe anyway. But I'm not going to delve into that in this post.

I'm going to focus most of the rest of this post with how distraction and escape has affected my life and my lifestyle choices in the past 15 years. I will start out with a bit of a disclaimer. The childhood trauma I did face was not terribly severe. In the sense that it did not involve anything sexual and did not (much) involve my parents or any adults for that matter. Not too much anyway. The bulk of my trauma did involve physical and mental abuse and some abandonment but only by people closer to my own age, and not by people who would have 'guardian' or authoritative roles over me. Thankfully, by sheer 'luck' I started analyzing the affects that this had on me, which caused me to identify what was causing these affects, which led me to understanding the trauma that affected me and led me to mostly heal that trauma from the age of 17 thru the age of 21 years old. Then thru some of my spiritual studies which often focused on healing, I was able to determine that I didn't actually fully heal from my trauma when I thought I had, and was able to use various spiritual guidance to further heal as an older adult. Just like everyone else, I do still have affects from my various traumas but have healed a great deal of it, and have greatly reduced the affects of it. I've written about this in my past, and also during some spiritual journals so I'm not going to delve into that in this post either. Once again, perhaps I will at a later time.

What this post is going to deal with is how distraction and escape has played a role in why I've made some of the lifestyle choices that I've chosen over the past 15 years and why I'm often living a slightly 'less-functional' lifestyle than I would still consider my 'normal' lifestyle. In many ways, I'm not fully being 'me' and I've been aware of that all along.

Before I continue, I will add one more blurb about what I mean by 'trauma'. I'm not only talking about extreme or horrendous traumas such as rape, incest, extreme violence, etc. I'm also talking about events that aren't traumatic themselves, but still invoke traumatic responses. These are the traumas that truly go unnoticed. For instance, it could be as simple as this example, that I have one friend who is in his 50's, and will never eat eggs because his parents forced him to eat eggs every day for years as a child. Regardless of whether he wanted them or not. That is not a traumatic event, BUT the response that he steadfastly refuses to eat eggs - EVER, is a traumatic response. The same person feels his father wasn't supportive enough of him as a child, and to this day still goes on these rants about it, and in general is often a very miserable person. Still blaming his father for it. These are not traumatic events. They are not even painful or unthinkable. You'd never call them a trauma. Yet at the same time, they have invoked a painful or unpleasant enough memory that 40+ years later his disdain for it is so severe that it is still negatively affecting this person's actions and life. Nobody would ever call these events a trauma, but they still had a traumatic affect. One that will affect his life until he actually takes the time to heal from these memories. And he never will, because he's not even aware enough about it to realize it affects his behavior. I can site hundreds or thousands of minute examples such as this that are a part of all of us. So when I talk of 'trauma', I don't only mean the extreme or horrendous things that are horrendous and atrocious but also all these little things that none-the-less affect our thoughts, actions, or behaviors for the rest of our lives.

What I'm going to delve into now though is only partially about 'trauma' though. It is amazing about how much trauma does affect the actions and behaviors of our lives but that is only one of the complex set of factors that govern us. That give us need for distraction or escape.  

***Okay, its been six months since I've written in this post. So what I think I'm going to do is delve just a bit more on this topic and just wrap it up and save the subject of 'myself' and 'lifestyles' for another post. 

I am currently out of town selling products at the Summer Exhibitions/ carnivals. Which is a job I do part-time whenever I am in between attempting to form a career job again. Its fun, and for that matter 'different' so in a way a distraction as well. Lol. Anyway, I went out last night and met up with a guy I know who used to be a friend, but now is just an acquaintance. He'd basically shown me in the past (and tried to/ partially did screw me over for money) that he is a very superficial, partially dishonest (but more like conniving), and for-the-most-part a 'fake' person. Or at least fake in the sense that he thinks he is so 'clever' that he can be everyone's 'friend' whether he genuinely likes or cares at all about them. Then he figures he can 'pull the wool' over their eyes and get what he wants from them. He basically thinks that he is so clever that he can manipulate the world to get what he wants and in the process have a lot of fun while doing it. I think he's only partially aware that he's doing that as well. In that sense, I see a lot of 'Me' in him. Sadly enough. We're both 'intelligent idiots' in that sense. Lol. In many ways we are very different 'creatures' and have very different perspectives and approaches to 'life'. But in other ways I do see so much similarities in the two of us. I wish I didn't. I should take measures to correct that. Time will tell whether I do or not. Lol.

If you ask me, he lives pretty much his entire life in denial and escape. He can be very charming, and a lot of fun. Genuinely a very sociable and in that sense 'momentarily' caring person. I'll give him that. He makes sure that he knows everyone in a room, acting like everyone is a friend, and carries his 'alternate personality' heart on his sleeve. But for a guy like me that lives in partial analysis my entire life, everything about him seems fake or not genuine. You know that the real 'person' and his real 'motives' are lurking underneath, thinking they can act and pretend and have fun while 'getting what they truly want' from these unaware 'simpletons' around them. Many people are like this. Unfortunately, I see a lot of me in that too. Especially when I'm hanging around these partially-dysfunctional places, around all these partially-dysfunctional (but often but not always sincere and honest) people.

I do make a note also, that he is always 'broke' and he never lives up to his bold statements, and that he is not happy and not living the life he wants to live. Perhaps he never has. So far 'life' has escaped him. Sadly enough, I'm not living the life that I want either. Not yet. AND similar to him, I'm not really 'exposing' my true self to most of 'this' (as I say 'partially dysfunctional') world either. Like him, I think I'm 'above' the people in this environment. That I am 'better' than that, and only living in 'their' world for fun and some basic 'necessity'. Such as I need to make money and keep busy so need to work and interact among them, until I solve the 'riddle' of getting back to my 'real' lifestyle. Or at least find a true and rewarding 'career' job again.

Its all a sham of course. Both he and I are just fooling ourselves. We may be intelligent, and even somewhat clever. But we're not better than anyone else around us. We may be more intelligent and clever than some, but our perceptions aren't any more acute or 'accurate' than anyone else around us. The only way that anyone will ever be truly 'happy' is by being totally sincere and honest. Both with themselves and with the entire world that they are interacting with. I know this. Yet I don't do it. Not at the moment anyway. Perhaps I never did. I will get there though. Sooner than later I hope.

We'll talk more about me in a later post though. 

:)

As Suspected, It was a Bust - Or was it? Apparently not.

Well, I did go out to Brandon to confirm what I had started to suspect. That Sherry is just a chronic liar and never meant any of the things she had told me over the two or three weeks we were corresponding. Strange though. Not that she's a liar, but that she had nothing to gain from the lies. Just gets off on f#cking around with people I guess. A pretty low-class person none-the-less. Which is what I made the additional trek back out to Brandon to find out. Originally she had said (besides that she did want to go on a date with me) is that she wanted to be travel companions and was coming out this way (Calgary) in May and wants us to travel Banff and Jasper and area together. Well I wasn't about to talk and text with this person long-distance for a number of months only to find out in May that she is a liar. I don't want to waste any more of my time than I need to. So I scheduled work out towards Brandon so we can actually go on that first date and actually get to know one another in person. In reality.

As I was saying in my last post, that I had caught her in a number of lies already from our texting, so of course was now quite suspicious as to whether any of the things she had told me were true. Including whether she did actually want me to come to Brandon so we can go on that date. She assured me that she did. So I said I will be there for February 6th and can stay as late as February 15th if need be. She agreed to that, and agreed to spend that first weekend together so we can actually get to know one another. So I did schedule some work out that way. But ever since I did, she got more and more distant and it got harder and harder to get any concrete answers from her as to what she wanted to do on our first date, or even what day should I get into Brandon, Friday or Saturday and what time and where should we meet? That alone made me think this was not going to happen and that she has just been lying to me (for her amusement I guess). But, I was going to go and find out. Ride it out. I did make sure I scheduled work, and made sure my friends were available for a visit just in case I never did see her or spend time with her in town. Plus I was going to be living at my Dad's place, and when not there could crash at my friend's place. I was only going to rent a motel or hotel room if things between me and Sherry did work out and we needed a place for 'privacy'. By this point I really didn't count on it though.

Sure enough. I finally had a decent chat with Sherry on Wednesday. The day before I left. She gave me some more reassurances too. Which was nice. But once again, I was still quite leary. The next day I left and drove 9 1/2 hours to my first work location, which was Moosomin (140 kms from Brandon). I texted her when I got there but didn't get a response from her. I texted her the next morning and still got no response. Then I went to work. I also texted her after work. No response. So, I was pretty much thinking this first date thing was a bust and was not going to happen. I worked a half day Saturday and then travelled the 90 minutes to Brandon. I got there about 3:30pm. I did text my friend before leaving Moosomin and told her that I'm probably going to be crashing at her place and partying with her the next couple days. I didn't want to go to my Dad's place yet. Regardless of who I was doing it with, I wanted to party with friends (or a date) for the weekend before going to my Dad's place and doing the 'family things'.

So I got some beer and got to my friend's place. After settling down to some drinks, I texted Sherry again and basically told her that I was in town and something along the lines that said "as suspected, she was just a chronic liar, and a generally low-class person." Then she did text back. For the first time in 3 days I may add. She said that she had been in the hospital so couldn't text me. I scoffed, and asked her if she had fractured her knee? She then pretended to get hurt and angry and said she was in pain, and that I should read the paper tomorrow if I didn't believe her. I scoffed again and told her no problem, I can be anywhere in Brandon within 5 minutes. Let me know where you are, and I'll come and see you. (I don't think that she believed that I was actually in Brandon.) There was no response, so after another beer I texted her back and told her she was a f#cken liar, a loser, and just a waste of my time. She then replied back and said "who's the liar? I'm not hear to judge."

I got the impression that as much as she was lying to me all along in those three weeks we'd been talking, that she also thought I was lying as well. I don't think she even thought I was in all the towns I was texting her from. I'm thinking the only reason that she had me call her that one night was to see where I was calling from. Which was from an Internet phone in the motel office, so it didn't have an area code. (BUT as stated before, at that time we did talk for about two or more hours about a number of things, and it was exactly the conversation you would have if you were getting to know a person that you were starting to date. Then we talked about talking on the phone on a regular basis from that point. Which of course didn't happen. But still - weird.) Anyway, she certainly was calling me a liar now, and it appeared that she didn't think that I was actually in Brandon at the moment. I guess she thought that I was bluffing all along. All through the past three weeks, and that she would just keep calling me on my bluff. Except, I had never once lied to her, and I was never bluffing. We just left it at that though, and our correspondence stopped. Another friend of ours called me back, but he was at a party with family and wanted me to call back later. So me and Charlie (Arlene) just kept visiting and having drinks into the wee hours of the morning. Then we crashed. In separate beds I may add. Actually, I had the couch. Me and Charlie (Arlene) have been friends for 9 years, but there is a 12-year age difference between us (I'm younger), and we have never been anything but friends. I have never had any interest or attraction beyond that. Just saying.

We slept about four hours, then got up and finished the last of the beers from the night before. Then talked for a while. Around 1pm I left to go find some cheap pizza and while I was out I did text Sherry again. After all, I still wanted to see if I could salvage a date with her. I still was in Brandon specifically to see her. I also still wanted some sort of explanation about what the past three weeks of correspondence was all about. I didn't get a response though, so left it at that. Picked up some pizza, and some more beer and then headed back to Charlie's for another night. I wasn't going to tell my Dad that I was in town until the next morning. The great thing is that I could still charge my employer nightly for my 'travel allowance' expense for both those nights, because I worked on Saturday (made good commission on top my travel allowance to boot), and could charge Sunday as a travel day. So all the beers we were drinking were essentially free, and I was still getting paid some extra on top of that! :D

So I was drinking one more night at Charlie's place. Later that evening, her former son-in-law, Rob dropped by. A seemingly good guy by the way. He had some drinks with us and we got to talking. I told him why I was in town, and that I was being stood up. And told him the whole story.

After a while, he all-of -a-suddenly asked Sherry's name again. It turns out that he knows her. Knows her father and knows her ex-boyfriend who dumped her. Apparently, she wasn't any of the things that she said she was. According to him, she is quite the barfly. Goes to bars all the time. Pretty much weekly. She's not the innocent 'choir girl' that she says she is. Apparently she's got a different man every time he sees her. And she doesn't own her house and live with her ex, she lives with her Dad and its his house. Her ex did win a lot a money and dumped her, but he didn't leave her high-and-dry, he left her with $100K before he took off. Then she hooked up with a guy about 9 years younger than her and he took her for all her money. Once the money was gone, he took off in the brand new Ram truck that she bought him. They told me that she is a typical downtown Brandon girl, who does lots of drugs (pops pills) and goes home with the older desperate men from downtown so she can play them for money. They said that they didn't even know if she worked at all. That I think she does do. She's not a good enough (consistent enough) liar, which is how I am able to catch her all the time in her lies. But the one thing she does do, is go to bed every night at 10pm during the week and only stays up late drinking on weekends. So she is going to work everyday. She's not good enough to 'fake' that. She's just not consistent enough when she lies, so I would have caught that. so I'm pretty certain that she does at least have a job. Anything else she's told me, who knows? I guess I don't know this person at all. She does appear to be quite the piece of work though. Whatever.

This news very much perturbed me. THIS is who I made the trek all the way back to Brandon to go on a date with? A typical downtown Brandon girl? Wow. How embarrassing. Whatever. BUT this did upset me somewhat and I started drinking MUCH more heavily. We had lots of beer to last us until morning. I texted her a few times. When Rob would tell me something new, I would text her about it. Of course I wasn't getting any response. She hadn't responded to any of my texts since she said she had been in the hospital and then suggested that I was the liar. At first my texts were more "civil", but calling her out on what her real life actually is. Then a few hours later, when I was now REALLY drunk, I send her some much more scathing messages. No reply. I left it at that and continued drinking with Rob and Charlie and eventually we crashed for the 'night' (probably around 6am tho). I got up a few hours later and then called my Dad to let him know that I was in town, and would be over in an hour or so.

So I went home to Dad's house and did the 'family' thing for the day. Later that day, I decided to teach Sherry a bit of a lesson for making me drive all the way to Brandon to be stood up. I started texting her, but pretending that I was upset and pretty much a 'psycho'. Told her things that I knew about her, and that we knew where she lived, and things along that line. Then throughout the day and evening (and part of the night) kept texting her. Repeating a lot of the same things and really sounding like a crazy angry person. Eventually she texted me back trying to get me to stop. Even said she was going to call the cops. Which made me scoff, and reply back, "What are they going to do, trace this number to an address in Calgary?" Then I kept on with my psychotic texting. Eventually I quit. But not until into the am. Then the next day, I texted back and said, "Ah, just kidding. I'm not psycho. Don't know any crazy friends any more, and were never actually mad or upset with you. You can live in whatever type of life you want to create for yourself. Take care!". Then I never texted her again. That was that. Over and done.

Seeing I obviously wasn't going to be spending the week and weekend with Sherry, I decided to cut my Brandon time a couple days short and schedule some work for myself throughout Saskatchewan for the weekend. I scheduled a day at the COOP at a town 30 miles West of Moosomin for Friday, and then a town just East of Regina (Balgonie) for Saturday. That way I could work my way back to Calgary. I took the tuesday off spending it with family, knocked some business doors on Wednesday, then spent more time drinking at Charlie's until Thurs morning. Then spend Thursday with Dad and a cousin, and got up around 6am Friday and drove 2 hours to work. Made good money, then drove to my next destination and got a room for the night. A snow/ wind storm was starting to brew but I made it before it started. Checked out where I'd be working in the morning. Checked out the local pub but only stayed for one drink because it was boring. Then bought a bottle of blackberry rye (never tried that before) and had a few drinks while texting friends and watching tv. The snow/ wind storm hit by then, but I got up in the morning and went to work. As it turns out, I made GREAT money that day because all the people that were going to go to Regina for the weekend, cancelled all their plans and went to get groceries, alcohol, and/ or movies instead. The place where I was working was all those things plus the local post office. So I made decent money. packed up after work, and hit the road back to Calgary. The severe wind storm was still raging and highway travel wasn't recommended as it was completely white out conditions with no visibility but there was no ice and it wasn't slippery so I decided to go for it. I did NOT want to spend a second night in Balgonie, Sk.

(NOTE: I'm just getting back to continuing this post after about an 8 month break. A lot has happened since then, but I'll just continue where I left off...)

I figured me and Sherry were now completely done. On Monday I was picked up by my other employer and we headed to Vancouver to sell products at a 5-day trade show. It was now the Spring Home and Garden trade show run which is always good money. As fate would have it, Me and Sherry were NOT done. Three days into the trade show, and about eight days after we last texted, Sherry texted me (around midnight). Asking what I was up to, and apologizing for having me drive to Brandon and for standing me up. I had realized that I had a big smile on my face from hearing from her and despite it all I still liked talking/ texting with her. It is what it is. With or without her I will still be doing my semi-regular trips back to Brandon in the Fall/ Winter and would still rather have her in my life while there than not. So we continued corresponding regularly again. Not the lengthy conversations (texts) we were having while I was in Slave Lake, but regular correspondence none-the-less. She also told me that someone had 'booked up' the time she was supposed to have off in May so woudn't be traveling to Calgary (perhaps another bs story about the swiped vacation time) but I wasn't expecting a May visit from her by now anyway. So all is good.

The Spring trade show run finished in mid-April and I wasn't supposed to start up again with STARS until around June so I had time off. My correspondence with Sherry continued to go well, so I decided to make one more trip back to Brandon the last two weeks of May. True, it was mostly to see if we could actually go on the elusive date we kept talking about, but this time I wasn't going 'for' her. My other friends were still available to socialize and party with and my Dad was selling his house (our family home) in August so it would be my last chance to live in 'our' house and I could help him start to pack some things up. I was no longer banking any plans on Sherry's ability to follow thru with what she was saying. So I went to Brandon, not counting on anything, but still with the idea that we would have that 'first date' on Saturday evening.

I got into Brandon on Thursday and spent Friday evening at Charlie's place having drinks. As usual, I crashed there on the couch (actually she had a spare mattress for me which I could pull out for my visits) and when I woke up in the morning I texted Sherry. She was up and said we can see each other 'now' if I wanted after she had a shower. She even gave me her address to come pick her up. Wow. Okay. I gave her an hour and then went to get her. I still half expected her to stand me up, but no, she was there and we went back to Charlie's. That Rob guy that told me 'the truth' about Sherry arrived at Charlie's just before I left to get Sherry and another one of Charlie's cousin's was in town from Edmonton with a bunch of money she just inherited. So there was plenty of money for beer. I was taking it easy though because I wanted my day to be spent getting to know Sherry. Plus, Sherry wasn't drinking any beer. She was drinking cola from the big travel mug that she brought from home. It didn't occur to me at the time, but it wasn't just cola, she had alcohol in it as well. I thought we were going to just take it 'easy and casual' like we talked about. I didn't mind taking it slowly to get to know one another but after a little conversation she wanted to kiss. So we did that a bit here and there while talking. We were still in mixed company at Charlie's place. Out of the blue though, around 2pm, Sherry decided that she wanted to go home and shower and freshen up before we went out together that night. I thought that a bit odd as she had a shower before I picked her up around 11am. But whatever. I offered to walk with her, but she wanted to take a cab. So we called a cab and she was on her way.One thing that I did note though, is that though Sherry remembered Charlie from 'back in the day' they didn't act like they knew each other much, and Rob and Sherry didn't act like they knew each other at all. I noted it, but passed it off as maybe because Rob's wife was with him. I stayed at Charlie's for another couple beers but then walked home to my Dad's house around 3:30p. I wanted to be 'fresh' for the evening as well. I cleaned up then texted Sherry to see if she wanted to go out for dinner or if I should eat with my Dad. She didn't get back to me right away, so I had dinner with Dad. She finally got back to me around 7pm saying she had slept and still needed an hour to 'freshen up'. An hour went by and she had another story as to why she wasn't ready and told me to wait another hour. Then another hour went by and I couldn't get a hold of her. Seeing I was going out for the evening, Dad had already left to visit someone else. I went back to Charlie's place and she was also gone. So I went back to Dad's place and sat home alone on Saturday night. Eventually I got a hold of Charlie and went over there for the night. With being stood up yet again, I now wanted to drink and socialize. Seeing they had all that money from her cousin, they had been drinking most of the day and were in a strange mood. Rob eventually came back from some sort of 'hiaideous' and said he saw Sherry at the bar only a couple hours ago, and she was still wearing the same clothes she was wearing when she left at 2pm. This was not pleasing news to me, and made me drink faster. Lol. I figured I was once again done with Sherry.

 But I was out to dinner with Dad a couple evenings later and decided to send her another text trying to figure out why she kept lying to me. I had also sent her a few much more 'scathing' texts that morning while drinking with Rob and Charlie and the cousin. She texted back and we talked it out a bit. It was a decent talk. I asked her if I was ever going to get to spend some 'alone time' with her while in town, and she said 'probably'. I was heading back to Calgary sometime 'next week' but she also had the week off of work. She said we can get together then. Fair enough. We were still 'in play'.

 We talked (texted) more in the coming days and while running around tried connecting but it still proved to be elusive. She would text me while I had plans with Dad, and then when I was available she wasn't. But at least we were still talking about it. I had made some more comments to her, at times calling her out on some of her 'stories' that Charlie and Rob had debunked (and she hadn`t denied when I called her on it at the time), BUT now she`s saying that all the things she initially told me about her job, house, living conditions, et al were all true. She had me call her and we talked it out over the phone. When I talk to her, I do believe her and think she is sincere. Aside from the stupid little stories that didn`t make sense and the fact the she kept standing me up I have always got the sense from her that she is a sincere and honeest person. My ìnsticts`have always told me that she is `real`. Not perfect by any means. But who is? It was always  the sense I got from her. I once again believed her now too. You could hear her sincerity it in her voice. Anyway, we also made plans for me to meet her at her house in the morning as she had the day off. 

It turns out that it was mostly Charlie and Rob who were lying to me about Sherry. I sometimes forget how much Charlie is in love or at least infatuated with me. As much as she pretended that it didn`t bother her that I met a woman and was trying to spend time with her, I guess in reality she didn`t like it. Thinking back I remember now how possessive she was of me that first Spring that we met. Some times I even had to leave becuase she got so possessive of me talking to other women. Even though we`ve never been any more, or any less than only friends. Some day I`ll write more of that time. It was quite interesting. To me anyway. Some of the things that Charlie and Rob were telling me were things that Sherry may have done or was like 10 or 20 years ago (when she was still being influenced by her loser father and the loser mentality of downtown Brandon), but Charlie was making it sounds like these events were only months ago. Some of the other stuff Charlie and Rob were telling me were just downright lies. Designed for me to not pursue spending time with Sherry. I`ve got to know Rob a bit more since then too. He really is pretty much an ass and just a lower-quality of person. A `loser`pretty much. I guess he was just lying for the heck of it. It did become apparent when I brought Sherry over to Charlie`s place that the three of them didn`t really know one another. Charlie and Rob had originally made it sound like they knew each other quite well and drank together on occasion.That was all BS.

I was supposed to go to Sherry`s around 8am, but as it turns out I woke up at around 5am that morning and when I texted her around 6:30am she was up and told me to come over `now`. Her roommate (ex) was at work, so he wouldn`t know that she had a male guest over. I had to shower but said I`d be right over. I was still half expecting her to stand me up, but I certainly was going to go for it. I quickly had my shower. I didn't want to give her any additional chance to cancel and I grabbed some beers that I had left over and went to her place. I knocked on the door, still half expecting her to be gone, BUT she was actually there. She had a drink in hand and we sat on the porch and talked. I was into my second beer and she gave me a nice tour of her place. It is small but nice and very well kept. It turns out that she does live with her ex, and sleeps on the couch, as she had said. And they were living together for a number of years before he struck it big in a lottery and then dumped her. Instead of her going for half of his winnings (as they were married by common law) he made some other BS agreement with her to share a house and pretty much allow him to keep all of the money. She agreed. Too bad on her part. Its not a good arrangement as she had numerous restrictions placed upon her in her (supposedly) own house. On a side note, she still probably can get a lawyer and go for a share of the winnings. After all, they were legally married by common law rules for years before he won the money and broke up with her. But apparently they did draw up some sort of legal terms when they decided on the compromise. Whatever. Not my issue.

One thing to note is that from the time I picked Sherry up a week before to take her to Charlie's place she was always making comments about how small my hands were. My hands are relatively small but actually quite normal. I still need to buy large-sized winter gloves. But I was soon going to realize why it was such a big deal for her. After a couple drinks, I used her bathroom. Just as I was finishing and was zipping up my pants she opened the door. Okay. No big deal. Then she used the bathroom but dropped her pants without closing the door right in front of me. Once again, not a problem. I had no problems watching her as we talked. When she finished, she made the comment, "Well, now that you've seen me, I think I should be able to see yours." I had no problems with that so opened my pants so she can take a look. She said something along the lines of "Wow. It's big. With such small hands I thought that you would have a small cock." (My cock is actually pretty much average-sized but I don't mind the compliment.) I replied, "Are you kidding? Have you seen the size of my feet?" (I have size 11 feet, and am 6 foot tall, so I'm not small in any way.)

Then she says, "Well, I think we should have a quickie!" I had no problems with that so we stripped down on the couch and had some fun. And it was fun. Then we went back out to the porch and talked some more over another drink. She decided that we should lay down and sleep for a while, but when we started spooning on the couch I started massaging and rubbing her a bit and it was on again. Longer than a quickie. I wasn't complaining. By now it was getting more into the afternoon so I had to be ushered out as her roommate (ex) would soon be coming home from work. We talked and kissed a bit more and I was on my way. It was a very pleasant morning and afternoon. I had only had about 3 full beers the entire time too, so was fine to drive.

Hm. This girl continues to both surprise and confuse me. But ah well. All's well that ends well is how I look at things. I was only going to be in town a couple more days before heading to Calgary, but I did stop by to see her one more time before I left. Just for an hour and only to talk and hug and kiss a bit. It was nice. So I went back home to Calgary. We continued texting regularly though. Or at least semi-regularly. We would go through a spell of texting nearly daily, and then she would become scarce for a while. A couple times she blurted a text out saying along the lines that she "was done with me, and moving on". They were always just out of the blue and not prompted by anything on my end. So I would persist and eventually get her talking to me again and everything went back to as 'normal' as we always had it anyway. Of course, what is 'normal' anyway.

So that leads us towards December. Around October or so she had her last 'blow up' about being done with me. That took me a good three or four weeks to get her corresponding again but I did win over. We got back into regular correspondence in November and then it started tailing off. She had mentioned that a lot was going on with her lately. I eventually asked her what exactly was going on and she admitted that she did have a boyfriend all this time (for years actually - but a different one that her ex who she lives with) but was cheating on him. But now he's moved to Vancouver as of December 1st and she now regrets all of it. Hm. That does explain a lot. Not everything. But a lot more about some of her more 'erratic' behavior. I had never known that she had a bf, but it didn't surprise me. I always knew more was going on with her life than she was telling me.

But it is what it is. We left it at that. I don't know nor care about any additional details. We decided that seeing I'm going to be in Brandon for a couple of weeks over Christmas anyway, and since Dad had sold his house this year I am going to be in a motel, that we would spend time together while I'm back there. So we did that. But I will leave those details for another post as this one has gone on long enough and has been in 'production' for nearly a year now.